attachments are hard to break from. they are deeply embedded. you become conditioned. to a certain routine, a certain comfort, a certain belief that something is there with or for you. so when you are cut off, it is like you are getting pummeled by a wave. gasping for the air that you grew so used to. something that you needed. flailing your arms in hopes of finding something to hold onto. because you thought that it would always be there, like a lifesaver in an ocean of changing tides.

but that is the lesson to learn. no matter how important or fulfilling something becomes in my life, i have to always be aware that it is not permanent. it is not for always. nothing is. nothing ever will be.

it is so strange because when i was younger, i never believed in "forever." never invested too much. did not believe in anything that had no tangibility, no proof. i was ready for the impermanence of the world. then, i grew up and started collecting cushions to break my fall from loneliness, heartache, the "real world," stress, etc. and all of these justifications that i accepted for my human existence has only set me up for more pain.

i just wanted to believe that life could be more than fleeting moments; more than the suffering that comes with desire, aversion, and ignorance; more than the loneliness that accompanies a single soul; more than sadness.

i was wrong.

i am buying a one-way ticket to square one after the grieving is done with and the healing is fully underway.