you're never gonna find your way

as i find myself interested in new people in my life, i recognize the fact that i need a clean slate. i need to be able to move forward without keeping one foot in the past. if i don't, it will be like i didn't learn anything this past year...

with the last person i was attracted to, i kept missing the signs and signals, the hidden meanings and nuances; i was too distracted with my hectic life. i also hadn't moved on from my previous relationship; when i finally had, it was because i realized my unhappiness was a by-product of my dissatisfaction and both of us were suffering. but my timing was off and, ultimately, i missed my chance.

i don't want that to happen again.

i'm not over him yet. the last year i've been traveling down the road of heartache and not until recently did i find the road of healing. but while laying in bed this morning, i realized that i couldn't keep holding on because what i've been holding has been hopes and fantasies, all fabricated and unreal. i finally made sense of the signs and hints of rejection from moooonths back. i've either been very stupid or very meek. whichever it's been, i'm happy that i wasn't proud.

i've never been able to figure him out. i had a difficult time decoding the signs of interest and i had a rough time with rejection. i guess sometimes you can meet someone who seems to be a perfect match, except for the part where he/she doesn't fit into your life.

so when my back foot finally breaks free, i will move forward without regret or hope.

i mentioned earlier that i've been watching several television shows lately: "samantha who," "ugly betty," "pushing daisies," and "chuck." for those of you who know me, you know that that is a LOT of TV for me. all throughout college, the only shows i watched religiously were "buffy the vampire slayer" (remember watching in phat's apartment?) and "felicity" while i was in mexico for study abroad. gluing myself to the tube this year (and computer for online streaming) is a result of a combination of things: saving money, saving gas, being afraid to socialize, and apparently, being afraid to live my life.

i came back to the mainland filled with hope: i had finally seen what i had been doing for the previous 2 years and knew that i had to make a change. i was ready for that. but i also returned with my same old fears and many new ones. though i realized for the first time in my life that i was in responsible for my own happiness, i did not know what i was supposed to do to create that happiness. i had left everyone to do some soul-searching so i really didn't think that it mattered to many that i had come home. my unemployed self could not find motivation to find a job. transitioning back to california was harder than i envisioned. so in freaking out, i locked myself up (except for a few scattered souls who knew of my whereabouts and with whom i leaned on for support -- thank you!). i had a few outlets; i went to some classes at a community college, i played volleyball, i spent time at home with my parents. and i also watched television shows to forget how lonely and worthless i felt at times -- for those half-hour and hour blocks, i was not thinking about my own sad thoughts; i was witnessing someone else's life. and it all became habit within the blur of "routine and apathy."

recently, i've been trying to return to my writing. something inside of me has been wanting to express everything i've been bottling up and ignoring. some of my creative inspiration from before has even come back into my life.

but a young woman who i work with said something (among many) last friday that stuck with me and came up when i was trying to write this weekend: " you can't do stuff in life just by reading about it." so that when my soul was excited to put my pink pen to paper and translate all of my feelings and thoughts, my mind stopped my hand and thought, "instead of writing about life, why don't i live my own?"

i never thought that i had trust issues. i saw it plague my friends around me, as they kept people at bay and stopped themselves from fully experiencing relationships. but i understood why they did not let people into their hearts; they had been hurt before and didn't want to feel it again. but i was not afraid of hurting.

recently, i had an intense conversation with a good friend. and i started to piece together why i have had trouble sharing my feelings and concerns: i have not always felt that what i had to say would be safe with the other person. in awe, i tried to think of the people that i have had a track record of completely opening up to and there were only a handful. in my lifetime. and then it dawned on me that this fear of being emotionally rejected or not accepted has kept me from saying what i really feel and think, and ultimately, not trusting.

on a lighter note, i need to control my retail therapy. and cook.

thebff and i had been wanting to rewatch "the notebook" to see if it was as bad as we thought. and though it was pretty sappy and cheesy and i could live without the last bed scene, it had a surprising lesson for me that was summed up in noah's last letter to allie. here it is:

"My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah"

i knew i had to move on and let go of everything. but i felt torn between continuing to look back the way i had been and traveling down a new path with potentially happier or sadder moments. but a friend said it best when she told me: "he's obviously a huge part of your life still, but the fact is, he's not there anymore."

i really want to get to the point where i can stop being bitter: at him, at me, at timing, at the world. i want forgiveness to fill me so i can stop carrying around the pain and the hurt. i want to stop hoping for an opportunity to know if it was real or not. i want to be truly happy if i ever saw him again.

i have no other way to deal with my disappointment in him other than telling myself that words do not have the same meaning to everyone. and even though i try really hard to believe it, i cannot help but feel angry at him. and that anger boils and brings to surface all of the other empty promises he told me.

but i let him get to me. i give him the power to make me upset at one thirty in the morning.

one day i will have to forgive his lack of follow-through. or inconsiderateness. whatever it is. i have to live my life for me.

attachments are hard to break from. they are deeply embedded. you become conditioned. to a certain routine, a certain comfort, a certain belief that something is there with or for you. so when you are cut off, it is like you are getting pummeled by a wave. gasping for the air that you grew so used to. something that you needed. flailing your arms in hopes of finding something to hold onto. because you thought that it would always be there, like a lifesaver in an ocean of changing tides.

but that is the lesson to learn. no matter how important or fulfilling something becomes in my life, i have to always be aware that it is not permanent. it is not for always. nothing is. nothing ever will be.

it is so strange because when i was younger, i never believed in "forever." never invested too much. did not believe in anything that had no tangibility, no proof. i was ready for the impermanence of the world. then, i grew up and started collecting cushions to break my fall from loneliness, heartache, the "real world," stress, etc. and all of these justifications that i accepted for my human existence has only set me up for more pain.

i just wanted to believe that life could be more than fleeting moments; more than the suffering that comes with desire, aversion, and ignorance; more than the loneliness that accompanies a single soul; more than sadness.

i was wrong.

i am buying a one-way ticket to square one after the grieving is done with and the healing is fully underway.

song for the final bout...

i have human biology, spanish, and dance classes. i have my parents. i have good interactions with selective friends. i have guitar. i have volleyball. i have chatting.

but i'm just coasting. there aren't low lows or high highs. very moderate. everything is. and everything i feel. even though i'm "sad" now, it's not very sad at all. this is all very new to me. i'm going to feel it out for a bit longer before i decide if i like it or not.

but it is interesting.

once, i told someone, "i get controlling when i don't get it." and at the time, i had a little bit of doubt that i made my point clearly. and months later, the doubt has grown. so if i could, i would clarify that i get controlling when i don't understand, that i try to get answers so that it can make sense in my head. and maybe because i didn't make that point, i was and still am confused.

i've been crying as i try to fall asleep lately. and the thing that helps right now is to blog out the gunk that is poisoning my engine. that way, no one gets any late night phone calls. and my mind isn't overwhelmed. i wish i had a pensieve...


Living In Your Letters
By: Dashboard Confessional

I'm always assuming the worst,
but you're going on nonetheless
and there's nothing to cushion your heart led fall.
Letters from further away
keep pulling me close to home.
And there's something to cushion my callous sighs.
And I know that you hope for
longer good-byes
embracing for forever
and falling in your eyes.

Pouring over photographs.
I'm living in your letters.
Breathe deeply from this envelope
it smells like you and I can't be
without that scent. It's filling me
with all you mean to me.

Continually failing these trials
but you stand by me nonetheless
and you won't let me sink
though I'm beggin you, I'm begging you
Phone calls from further away
and messages on my machine,
but I don't ever tell you this distance
seems terrible.
There is no need to test my heart,
with useless space.
These roads go on forever,
there will always be a place, for you.. in my heart

So I'll hit the pavement
it's gotta be better than waiting
and pushing you far away
cause I'm scared.
So I'll take my chances
and head on my way up there.
'Cause turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten.

i have a lot of heart but not enough drive. so when i am in something, i am good to go. i give it my all, even if i'm not thrilled. but when i need to get in, it is very slow and challenging. i hardly try. and i wallow waiting for something to come to me. maybe i am afraid of something new, of being the new kid on the block, etc. but i should realize that once i get in, i will be okay.

i cannot believe it is march. three months... it has gone by slowly. but somehow i have made it this far. i have faith that things will continue to improve and that my life will go on. hopefully my heart too. :)

maybe it's due to circumstances, but i have felt like a kid again living with my parents. but maybe now that things are moving along and that i am going to turn 25, i should shed the dependency and get it together. i'm sure my parents had good intentions when they decided to provide and give my brothers and me what we wanted and needed. but i'm sure they didn't expect it to backfire like it has: we've turned out to be less resilient than they are.

let me try to get it together. for me and for my family.

love is crazy, pretty baby, take it real slow

i have decided that i need access to a swimming pool as much as possible. this fish feels weird out of its waters! running is not good unless it is in a pool or ocean. and anything involving running is bad too! no soccer. no basketball. i don't even know how i can handle volleyball. but perhaps it is because i have not learned how to tread water just yet. so if i can afford it, i will get me a pool! arg!

my hands are cold. it may be time to study before bedtime.

<3.

someday we'll know why i wasn't meant for you

you might not know this about me, but i have a pretty big ego. it's usually dormant. asleep. but rears its ugly head here and there. and it is my ego that keeps me from telling someone i am sorry. or looking at someone when i have felt embarrassed or ashamed. so i figure it is my ego, as it is probably the case for others too, that gets me to stop talking to someone important to me.

i hope my ego stops feeling butt hurt and goes back to sleep soon.

never find a love like this

being that i am now an official part of z's mandala, it makes me very grateful to have extended family. having grown up solely within my nuclear family, i missed out on knowing what it is like to be a part of a community: not being able to hide out in your room when you are upset, learning how to use humor as a way to relate to people, dealing with issues whether or not you want to, asking for help, etc. it is also very touching to know that you do not have to share the same blood to be cared about or loved.

this i also learned from my roomies in hawai'i. it scared me to think that i could ever feel at home without my parents and brothers; i resisted for as long as i could. but i realized i can create ties and bonds that are just as strong.

i <3 the people that are in my life. and i wish we could always be together in the same space. but as i spread my wings, i am learning that we will always be together in thought and mind.

peace.

i'm not gonna write you a love song 'cause you asked for it...

[edit]

wow, three times in one day. i guess i have a lot to say...a lot of thoughts that need expelling.

haha, expelliarmus!

though i have no wand, i'm forcing some things to fly away. i'm packing up knick-knacks and trinkets. i'm gonna put some things away. shed some old skin.

it has been a constant battle between the past and the present. first i was in denial. that didn't last too long. then i tried being all mad! grr! probably for a day or two... maybe i bargained... but i wasn't aware of it if i did. and i guess now i'm in the next stage. sheesh! i have to keep trying new tactics to be present. i had to do a big sweep of my music on my iPod and iTunes. laaame.

not to mention that i could not study for the life of me today. i finally succumbed to the fact that it wasn't going to happen after 9 hours of trying and only 30 minutes of productivity.

i'll try tomorrow. and if i can't will myself to do it, i'll just have to accept that i won't do well on this first exam. wow, i guess i'm growing out of my hard-core student nature. haha...

it's your godforsaken right to be loved, love

when i am around certain people, my heart calms and opens up wide, giving and receiving love freely. it listens. acts. and respects. it feels and empathizes.

but i have long moments and relationships, where i am less than loving. half-awake. reactive. toxic. and the level of relating is minimal.

the term is mindfulness. being present and aware. and i can be mindful naturally.

but i have to keep trying and i have to be aware with those certain relationships.

these days, when i wipe my eyes and nose with tissue, it is not for my dissatisfaction in relationships or arguments had with a close other.

these days, i cry because of my immobility, my lack of purpose, my feelings of inadequacy. i cry because i feel lame when i hear where others are going or are. i cry because there is an empty feeling inside of me for everything i have lost. i cry because i wonder "should i have left hawaii?" i cry because i am someone's last hope and i don't want to be. i cry when i look up jobs to pay the bills and cannot see anything i can do. i cry because i am afraid.

and then i go into bed. and hope that if i am meant to, i will wake up in the morning. and i will. and then i go another day lackluster and dull, making my mother sad because i am not happy and she sees it. when i run out of tissues, i throw out the empty box and whip out a new one. because i will need it.

not to say that any of this is justified. or that anyone should feel sorry for me.

it is just how i feel. right now.

i heard someone say once that hope kills. i understand that now.

for the last few months, lyrics to colbie caillat's "the little things" clung to me. in doses. now, the last dose is key: "don't just leave me hanging on."

so instead of hanging on and having those strings of hope, i am going to cut it off. and stop waiting for someone else to do the cutting for me.

so here is my own dedication to myself:

It Ends Tonight
The All-American Rejects

Your subtleties, they strangle me
I can't explain myself at all
And all the wants, and all the needs
All I don't want to need at all

The walls start breathing, my mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone
A weight is lifted on this evening
I give the final blow

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight, it ends tonight

A falling star, at least I fall alone
I can't explain what you can't explain
You're finding things that you didn't know
I look at you with such disdain

The walls start breathing, my mind's unweaving
Maybe it's best you leave me alone
A weight is lifted on this evening
I give the final blow

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight, it ends tonight
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight, it ends tonight, it ends tonight

Now I'm on my own side
It's better than being on your side
It's my fault when you're blind
It's better that I see it through your eyes

All these thoughts locked inside
Now you're the first to know

When darkness turns to light
It ends tonight, it ends tonight
Just a little insight won't make this right
It's too late to fight, it ends tonight

si te vas

i am beginning to realize that the delicate "friendships" that exist between boys and girls is not as easy to cultivate as we become men and women (though most, if not all, of the "men" are still boys; i will continue to use "men" here to represent males in their adult years). i have had my fair share of male friends in high school and college. we could talk and hang out. and all was well.

i thought.

now that i think of it, i was in some form of a relationship during the last 8 years. so maybe i only had male friends because i was taken. [gasp] i never thought it could be true! that men and women could not be friends... then again, i have only recently left my childhood days behind. as i have been entering adulthood, the things that were once normal and important amongst my friends have diminished and given way to mating worries and rituals.

a friendship between two of my close friends burst into flames with me in the middle, sending my naivete swirling into the harsh Hades of reality. the woman was an unsuspecting friend, who put all her trust in the man because she thought there was no interest from him. but then he sprung on her and confessed his feelings. and she was shocked and then disappointed. what happened to the friend she saw as a bro? and so, it ended. with a snap of a finger. and a burst of fiery hate.

because i am friends with that man, i have been reevaluating my own position. i do not want the drama of getting "broken up" with as a friend. or the drama of being black-listed. and the discomfort of keeping both of us at bay. and then i think about my other "friendships" with men. and i try to recount all of them but i realize i only have a handful who are heterosexual.

what happened to all my friends?

until i can make more sense of this realization, i am going to keep my distance. and figure out how to establish boundaries.

what do you think?