si te vas

i am beginning to realize that the delicate "friendships" that exist between boys and girls is not as easy to cultivate as we become men and women (though most, if not all, of the "men" are still boys; i will continue to use "men" here to represent males in their adult years). i have had my fair share of male friends in high school and college. we could talk and hang out. and all was well.

i thought.

now that i think of it, i was in some form of a relationship during the last 8 years. so maybe i only had male friends because i was taken. [gasp] i never thought it could be true! that men and women could not be friends... then again, i have only recently left my childhood days behind. as i have been entering adulthood, the things that were once normal and important amongst my friends have diminished and given way to mating worries and rituals.

a friendship between two of my close friends burst into flames with me in the middle, sending my naivete swirling into the harsh Hades of reality. the woman was an unsuspecting friend, who put all her trust in the man because she thought there was no interest from him. but then he sprung on her and confessed his feelings. and she was shocked and then disappointed. what happened to the friend she saw as a bro? and so, it ended. with a snap of a finger. and a burst of fiery hate.

because i am friends with that man, i have been reevaluating my own position. i do not want the drama of getting "broken up" with as a friend. or the drama of being black-listed. and the discomfort of keeping both of us at bay. and then i think about my other "friendships" with men. and i try to recount all of them but i realize i only have a handful who are heterosexual.

what happened to all my friends?

until i can make more sense of this realization, i am going to keep my distance. and figure out how to establish boundaries.

what do you think?