"if you're lost, you can look and you will find me, time after time."

once i knew these lyrics would always be true. now, it seems impossible.

eight and a half years ago, i fell in love. and i believed that we would make it through and that we would end up together. though we had rough patches and he wasn't ready to commit and i wasn't healthy and we could hardly communicate, he was my all and i wanted him to always be.

but the story wasn't perfect.

a year and some odd months after being officially apart, though estranged and hardly a part of each other's lives, it continues to be hard to move on. pesky facebook updates poured salt into my wounds. a couple of chance encounters left me crying for hours. you'd think that all of the hardships and the obvious incompatibility and R&R would be evidence enough that it wasn't working out and that i should let go but apparently, it isn't that easy.

i know i'll finally move forward when i can let go of that strong hope of him being the one. that unwavering optimism in my first love. the notion that i can have a happily ever after with him.

because it seems we've run out of time.

i visited one of the teachers at my former site, a friend. and while we had lunch, she told me about everything that was going on. and it was crazy. as usual. but one of the things she told me about is a theme that has been plaguing my thoughts lately.

the students that i used to work with have had to deal with a lot of adversity. many times the people who were supposed to take care of them disappeared and at a young age, it was hard to deal with. so they've grown up untrusting and keeping people at bay so that they don't have to get so hurt.

but it made me remember some of my friend's situations, and how they met super cool people and really want to keep them in their lives. but it doesn't always seem to happen the way you want.

so even as adults, it's hard to lose people. the ones who make you feel human. and who you take for granted... because you think he'll be around. but then one day, he falls off your radar or ties get cut off and you're sad. lost. empty. and there's really nothing you can do, even after months when you catch him standing across the street from you. and you've dreamed of that moment. and your heart swells. with memories and hopes and possibilities. but "a breath between [you] could be miles," (sarah mclachlan, "i love you.") and then he's gone as quickly as he came into sight. and you're left with only your disappointment and an engulfing sadness that swallows you whole the way a blazing brush fire in the middle of southern california's santa ana winds claims the hills around it. your breaths shorten and as you drive away, you can't think straight. and the circles you drive are the ones that are spinning inside of your head. while the music drifts into your ears. and "the tears in [your] eyes burn," (bob marley, "waiting in vain"), sliding down your cheek. every distraction is futile. every tear a reminder of each memory you should be letting go of.

i went to the cafe that we went to last year. and ordered stracchiatella for old times sake and blood orange for new beginnings. i walked over to the fountain and found the bench we sat at. and ate my gelato. and though many would have seen it as masochistic, it was me paying my respects to something that meant a great deal to me. something i probably won't ever get over. but will find a way to live with symbiotically.

and though i was, and am, still sad, one day it will all make sense.

ur hard to get over.

i know that bigger things are happening in the world right now: 22,000 people found dead in Myanmar after a deadly cyclone, at least 10,000 dead in the aftermath of a 7.8 earthquake in China...the list goes on!

but something burns inside of me tonight, a deep desire to reach out to you and make you feel exactly what i am feeling. somehow opening up and finding the right words. that will evoke the precise sentiments beating in my chest.

yet, a huge wall restricts me: a fear of being honest. i remember the last time i tried to express myself and how it backfired on me. and i ran far and away, hiding under my covers from the humiliation that would not leave me alone. and i vowed not to expose myself again.

that's the tricky thing though. creating and writing are subject to criticism and misinterpretation, and although i have written for a huge part of my life, i have hardly let my writing be judged; i hardly had an audience. so maybe i'll dedicate myself to working on "tender scrawls" so i can reach my 2009 deadline and finally open myself and my writing up. it'll be good for my ego. hopefully, i'll learn to take criticism.

so i bid you adieu, as i attempt one last time tonight to "study" for bio.

what was the feeling that i so desperately wanted you to feel?

tonight, i am sad.

can you feel it?

darn. i still remember...

and it makes falling asleep hard.

but all's well that ends well, right?

darn.

joyful, joyful, lord, we adore thee

SAD? yeah, it's coming up. that infamous day...

i've only officially been a valentine twice. and both times, i sorta asked the guy. and neither one was my significant other.

i mean, i love hearts! and i love red and pink. and flowers are beautiful! and being romantic seeps from my cytoplasm (don't mind my bio speak). but, maybe it's never been a big deal because it's kinda forced. and who wants to force something as powerful as love? or sweet as romance?

i still like the thought of pampering/celebrating myself because i know exactly what i want: candles flickering. great music playing. cookie eating. red tulips decorating.

and maybe i've yet to have a partner who would appreciate my sentimentality and romance for such a day.

i hope that this year's SAD is not sad. it could very well be, considering everything. but i was proactive and at least i won't be alone. :)

here's to chaya. and a little indulgence!

to you and yours!

Excerpt of
Ghost of a Good Thing
By Dashboard Confessional

I guess it's luck, but it's the same
Hard luck, you've been trying to tame
Maybe it's love, but it's like you said,
"Love is like a role that we play."

But, I believe in you so much
I could die for the words that you say
But, I believe in you so much
I could die from the words that you say

But, you're chasin' the ghost of a good thing
Haunting yourself as the real thing
It's getting away from you again
While you're chasin' ghosts

Just bend the pieces til they fit
Like they were made for it
But, they weren't meant for this
No, they weren't meant for this

i guess we all chase things that were once good. because we want it or we want it back. and it's probably hope that keeps us running. that false sense of optimism that pushes us to believe when there is not much else. but at some point, if necessary, we have to see that there really is nothing. and we must let go.

one of these days maybe your magic won't affect me

i just finished rereading a blog where i only wrote for myself. i was really honest. and it was interesting to see where i was, and how i am still dealing with what i wrote about years ago. but things are finally coming to life. here i am. ready to confront.

on another note, it is so hard not to hear my mom's nagging as implying, "you are so incapable!" every time i hear her, i talk back. because i want to assert myself. but i do so when i am upset. so she gets hurt. and the rift grows even wider between us.

other than that, i think i am ready to eat by myself. and do things by myself. wee!

these days, when i wipe my eyes and nose with tissue, it is not for my dissatisfaction in relationships or arguments had with a close other.

these days, i cry because of my immobility, my lack of purpose, my feelings of inadequacy. i cry because i feel lame when i hear where others are going or are. i cry because there is an empty feeling inside of me for everything i have lost. i cry because i wonder "should i have left hawaii?" i cry because i am someone's last hope and i don't want to be. i cry when i look up jobs to pay the bills and cannot see anything i can do. i cry because i am afraid.

and then i go into bed. and hope that if i am meant to, i will wake up in the morning. and i will. and then i go another day lackluster and dull, making my mother sad because i am not happy and she sees it. when i run out of tissues, i throw out the empty box and whip out a new one. because i will need it.

not to say that any of this is justified. or that anyone should feel sorry for me.

it is just how i feel. right now.

si te vas

i am beginning to realize that the delicate "friendships" that exist between boys and girls is not as easy to cultivate as we become men and women (though most, if not all, of the "men" are still boys; i will continue to use "men" here to represent males in their adult years). i have had my fair share of male friends in high school and college. we could talk and hang out. and all was well.

i thought.

now that i think of it, i was in some form of a relationship during the last 8 years. so maybe i only had male friends because i was taken. [gasp] i never thought it could be true! that men and women could not be friends... then again, i have only recently left my childhood days behind. as i have been entering adulthood, the things that were once normal and important amongst my friends have diminished and given way to mating worries and rituals.

a friendship between two of my close friends burst into flames with me in the middle, sending my naivete swirling into the harsh Hades of reality. the woman was an unsuspecting friend, who put all her trust in the man because she thought there was no interest from him. but then he sprung on her and confessed his feelings. and she was shocked and then disappointed. what happened to the friend she saw as a bro? and so, it ended. with a snap of a finger. and a burst of fiery hate.

because i am friends with that man, i have been reevaluating my own position. i do not want the drama of getting "broken up" with as a friend. or the drama of being black-listed. and the discomfort of keeping both of us at bay. and then i think about my other "friendships" with men. and i try to recount all of them but i realize i only have a handful who are heterosexual.

what happened to all my friends?

until i can make more sense of this realization, i am going to keep my distance. and figure out how to establish boundaries.

what do you think?