Thursday, July 31, 2008

crazy busy!

good times were had since july 20th till july 29th. including a 2nd interview. spending quality time with chi 3! spending quality time with em and company. spending quality time with the brothers and company. ending with quality time with mitzi at a concert. here are some highlights!

at cha with my fave june 27th cancers!

my hot date!

we like bus shots! on our way to pageant of the masters.

in front of pirates!

getting ready to go out!

me, em, and june!

i finally got me some indian food!

backseat antics!

crazies at luka's. courtest of antmang.

our own at&t ad. courtesy of antmang.

angry shot. courtesy of antmang.

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Sunday, July 20, 2008

thebff and i had been wanting to rewatch "the notebook" to see if it was as bad as we thought. and though it was pretty sappy and cheesy and i could live without the last bed scene, it had a surprising lesson for me that was summed up in noah's last letter to allie. here it is:

"My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah"

i knew i had to move on and let go of everything. but i felt torn between continuing to look back the way i had been and traveling down a new path with potentially happier or sadder moments. but a friend said it best when she told me: "he's obviously a huge part of your life still, but the fact is, he's not there anymore."

i really want to get to the point where i can stop being bitter: at him, at me, at timing, at the world. i want forgiveness to fill me so i can stop carrying around the pain and the hurt. i want to stop hoping for an opportunity to know if it was real or not. i want to be truly happy if i ever saw him again.


Friday, July 18, 2008

i have no other way to deal with my disappointment in him other than telling myself that words do not have the same meaning to everyone. and even though i try really hard to believe it, i cannot help but feel angry at him. and that anger boils and brings to surface all of the other empty promises he told me.

but i let him get to me. i give him the power to make me upset at one thirty in the morning.

one day i will have to forgive his lack of follow-through. or inconsiderateness. whatever it is. i have to live my life for me.


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

for jo.

16 facts about me.

1. crying takes over my body, mind, and spirit and leaves me feeling fully alive.
2. i am drawn to people who are by themselves and seem to feel as out of place as i do at social functions.
3. my locus of control has been impacted by my cultural upbringing: i feel like destiny has its plans all set for me.
4. i get excited about trying something new (i.e. piano, biking), but if i am not good at it or do not see immediate progress, i get over it quickly.
5. i feel like i will be lost and unsatisfied till i find my passion, my purpose, in life.
6. writing is my preferred method of communicating.
7. i have problems with my t-zone and i wish i knew how to help it.
8. i am sheltered.
9. i do not get restful sleep at night, probably because i hold onto all of my unsaid's and undone's, so i remember a great deal of my dreams.
10. i used to eat rock sugar, and though it hurt sometimes, it was worth it.
11. crunchy foods are my weakness, especially chips and tostada shells.
12. i drive like my mother and i am very proud of that.
13. the next thing i want to learn to do is drive on a race track.
14. if i could have been GOOD at anything, i would have wanted to be an amazing singer.
15. i am thorough.
16. i want to be happy. again.


Friday, July 11, 2008

"Our best decisions, the ones that we never regret, come from listening to ourselves."


Thursday, July 10, 2008

"Dusk & Summer"

She smiled in a big way, the way a girl like that smiles
When the world is hers and she held your eyes
Out in the breezeway down by the shore in the lazy summer
And she pulled you in, and she bit your lip, and she made you hers
She looked deep into you as you lay together quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer

But you've already lost
When you only had barely enough to hang on

And she combed your hair, and she kissed your teeth
And she made you better than you'd been before
She told you bad things you wished you could change in the lazy summer
And she told you, laughing down to her core, so she would not cry as she lay in your lap
She said "nobody here can live forever, quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer"

But you've already lost
When you only had barely enough to hang on

She said, "no one is alone the way you are alone"
And you held her looser than you would have if you ever could have known
Some things tie your life together, slender threads and things to treasure
Days like that should last and last and last

But you've already lost
When you only had barely enough of her to hang on


Thursday, July 03, 2008

Ready For Love
By India.Arie

I am ready for love
Why are you hiding from me
I'd quickly give my freedom
To be held in your captivity

I am ready for love
All of the joy and the pain
And all the time that it takes
Just to stay in your good grace
Lately I've been thinking
Maybe you're not ready for me
Maybe you think I need to learn maturity
They say watch what you ask for
Cause you might receive
But if you ask me tomorrow
I'll say the same thing

I am ready for love
Would you please lend me your ear?
I promise I won't complain
I just need you to acknowledge I am here

If you give me half a chance
I'll prove this to you
I will be patient, kind, faithful and true
To a man who loves music
A man who loves art
Respect's the spirit world
And thinks with his heart

I am ready for love
If you'll take me in your hands
I will learn what you teach
And do the best that I can

I am ready for love
Here with an offering of
My voice
My Eyes
My soul
My mind

Tell me what is enough
To prove I am ready for love

I am ready

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4 Things You Cannot Recover...
* The stone after the throw
* The word after it's said
* The Occasion after the loss
* The time after it's gone

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

"traffic." by marie digby.

this is the third time this week
that I find myself wandering down your street
and i can't seem to give it up.
i've even stopped making these excuses
for why you're stuck here in my thoughts
when it's been long enough.

i try to keep myself moving, but i'm not getting anywhere..

i wait in the same spot
brain like a parking lot
you're the traffic in my head
you're the reason that i'm wrecked
i pray for it to stop
like rain on the sidewalk
traffic in my head
you're the traffic in my head
there's just too much to forget

guess i should be happy now
everything is back to how it was
before you came around
i'm already changing
i've even tried to find a new distraction
but still you surround
as if it's not hard enough

and i try to keep myself moving but i'm not going anywhere

I wait in the same spot
brain like a parking lot
you're the traffic in my head
you're the reason that i'm wrecked
I pray for it to stop
like rain on the sidewalk
traffic in my head
you're the traffic in my head
there's just too much to forget

a part of me thinks that i'm going crazy
the world's spinning
my vision is hazy
and none of this makes any sense
i never meant for this to end
i can do what i have to do..
if i could only get around you

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