this holiday season, i'm going for "less is more." and because i have everything i need and most of everything i want, if you feel like you have to get me something, refer to my list. maybe you could make a tribute donation in my name! :)

holiday wish list:

donate to girls inc and help improve programming, pay for underprivileged girls to attend, etc.!

volunteer at girls inc of oc!

give the gift of clean water, food, and other necessities for those in need!

i am also looking to supplement my writing contest for my students with 2nd and 3rd place prizes and/or gifts for participating. if you want to help me with that, please let me know!

you're never gonna find your way

as i find myself interested in new people in my life, i recognize the fact that i need a clean slate. i need to be able to move forward without keeping one foot in the past. if i don't, it will be like i didn't learn anything this past year...

with the last person i was attracted to, i kept missing the signs and signals, the hidden meanings and nuances; i was too distracted with my hectic life. i also hadn't moved on from my previous relationship; when i finally had, it was because i realized my unhappiness was a by-product of my dissatisfaction and both of us were suffering. but my timing was off and, ultimately, i missed my chance.

i don't want that to happen again.

i'm not over him yet. the last year i've been traveling down the road of heartache and not until recently did i find the road of healing. but while laying in bed this morning, i realized that i couldn't keep holding on because what i've been holding has been hopes and fantasies, all fabricated and unreal. i finally made sense of the signs and hints of rejection from moooonths back. i've either been very stupid or very meek. whichever it's been, i'm happy that i wasn't proud.

i've never been able to figure him out. i had a difficult time decoding the signs of interest and i had a rough time with rejection. i guess sometimes you can meet someone who seems to be a perfect match, except for the part where he/she doesn't fit into your life.

so when my back foot finally breaks free, i will move forward without regret or hope.

INFJs

Life

Gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive

Artistic and creative; live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities.

Constantly define and re-define priorities

Know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. Are usually right and usually know it.

Have uncanny insight into people and situations; get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. Some report experiences of a psychic nature

Protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it.

Quite private and typically difficult to understand. Hold back part of themselves, secretive.

As genuinely warm as complex; hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring.

Concerned for people's feelings; try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone; very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Conflict may drive them into a state of agitation or charged anger. Tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because instincts are trusted above all else, may be stubborn and ignore other people's opinions.

Are perfectionists: doubt that they are living up to their full potential; rarely at complete peace with themselves. Believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments.

Have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right.

Have high expectations of themselves and frequently of their families. Don't believe in compromising their ideals.


Relationships

Seek out and promote relationships that are intense and meaningful

Always striving for the Ultimate Relationship. May fall into the habit of moving from relationship to relationship, always in search of a more perfect partner.

Deeply warm and caring person who is highly invested in the health of their close relationships and puts forth a lot of effort to make them positive

Seek long-term, lifelong relationships, although they don't always find them.

Strengths

Warm and affirming by nature

Dedicated to achieving the ultimate relationship

Sensitive and concerned for others' feelings

Usually have good communication skills, especially written

Take their commitments very seriously, and seek lifelong relationships

Have very high expectations for themselves and others (both a strength and weakness)

Good listeners

Are able to move on after a relationship has ended (once they're sure it's over)

Weaknesses

Tendency to hold back part of themselves

Not good with money or practical day-to-day life necessities

Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism

Have very high expectations for themselves and others (both a strength and weakness)

Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship

dear darling,

it's another year to add under your belt and a new year to look forward to! what will you do? what do you want to accomplish? what do you want for yourself?

i hope this year brings you closer to all your hopes and goals. i hope you are in the company of marvelous people. i hope that you are overflowing with joy. i hope your talents and skills are being utilized and appreciated. i hope you see life's most beautiful creations. i hope you see your power to have the life you want.

i miss you. i hope i can see you soon and catch up.

happy birthday, darling!

love,
dear.

recycle your old shoes so they can be turned into basketball and tennis courts and tracks!


sam's club recycles old electronics!

less for the holidays

i mentioned earlier that i've been watching several television shows lately: "samantha who," "ugly betty," "pushing daisies," and "chuck." for those of you who know me, you know that that is a LOT of TV for me. all throughout college, the only shows i watched religiously were "buffy the vampire slayer" (remember watching in phat's apartment?) and "felicity" while i was in mexico for study abroad. gluing myself to the tube this year (and computer for online streaming) is a result of a combination of things: saving money, saving gas, being afraid to socialize, and apparently, being afraid to live my life.

i came back to the mainland filled with hope: i had finally seen what i had been doing for the previous 2 years and knew that i had to make a change. i was ready for that. but i also returned with my same old fears and many new ones. though i realized for the first time in my life that i was in responsible for my own happiness, i did not know what i was supposed to do to create that happiness. i had left everyone to do some soul-searching so i really didn't think that it mattered to many that i had come home. my unemployed self could not find motivation to find a job. transitioning back to california was harder than i envisioned. so in freaking out, i locked myself up (except for a few scattered souls who knew of my whereabouts and with whom i leaned on for support -- thank you!). i had a few outlets; i went to some classes at a community college, i played volleyball, i spent time at home with my parents. and i also watched television shows to forget how lonely and worthless i felt at times -- for those half-hour and hour blocks, i was not thinking about my own sad thoughts; i was witnessing someone else's life. and it all became habit within the blur of "routine and apathy."

recently, i've been trying to return to my writing. something inside of me has been wanting to express everything i've been bottling up and ignoring. some of my creative inspiration from before has even come back into my life.

but a young woman who i work with said something (among many) last friday that stuck with me and came up when i was trying to write this weekend: " you can't do stuff in life just by reading about it." so that when my soul was excited to put my pink pen to paper and translate all of my feelings and thoughts, my mind stopped my hand and thought, "instead of writing about life, why don't i live my own?"

i've been bobbing my head to this one lately. although i am a fan of the original acoustic version, this one makes my drive happier. :)

this is one of my favorite songs on the album "spirit." i couldn't quite understand why i was so drawn to it but last night while driving home and listening to it, i finally made sense of it...

The Best You Never Had
Leona Lewis

I was so in love with you
There was nothing I could do
Wouldn't give me the time of day
Now you wanna be with me
You say you wanna be with me

You said I was the best
Gave your love out to the rest
There was nothing I could say
But now it's going good for me
You say you wanna be with me
Now

Yeah, you're telling me that I am where it's at
But I ain't having none of that....

Because I told you, you'd live to regret it,
and now I don't wanna make you feel bad,
But when it comes to me just forget it,
I'll be the best you never had,
You put me through so many emotions,
Now baby it's your turn for that,
'cause in your empty heart I have left a mark,
The best you never had.

No, No, No

You saw me as a friend,
Baby I don't want revenge,
But if you must know the truth,
What you didn't see in me
That's what you will never be now,
When you're telling me I was always the one,
I feel your desperation.

Because I told you, you'd live to regret it,
and now I don't wanna make you feel bad,
But when it comes to me just forget it,
I'll be the best you never had,
You put me through so many emotions,
Now baby it's your turn for that,
'cause in your empty heart I have left a mark,
The best you never had.

Back rubs, good love, my stuff
That's what you missed out on
My touch... so much we could have
You miss,
My kiss,
My lips,
The love I had for you
Our song, so long
Baby, don't it make it sad?

Because I told you, you'd live to regret it,
and now I don't wanna make you feel bad,
But when it comes to me just forget it,
I'll be the best you never had,
You put me through so many emotions,
Now baby it's your turn for that,
'cause in your empty heart I have left a mark,
The best you never had.

Because I told you, you'd live to regret it,
and now I don't wanna make you feel bad,
But when it comes to me just forget it,
I'll be the best you never had,
You put me through so many emotions,
Now baby it's your turn for that,
'cause in your empty heart I have left a mark,
The best you never had.

Well I will always be the best you never had

The best you never had

...i'm the one being sung to.

Poll

which writing prompt do you like best? i'm trying to choose one for the contest i'm going to do with my students:

1. Write a letter to the President of the United States telling him what you think should be changed to make the United States a better place to live.

2. Who do you respect most in your life? Write a letter to the person telling them why you respect them so much.

3. List up to four of your best qualities. Pick one that you think helps you succeed in life. Write about how this quality helps you overcome day-to-day obstacles.

4. Think about a time when you faced a challenge. Write a story about that time, including how you dealt with the challenge and what its outcome was. Be sure to narrate an event or a series of events and to include specific details so that the reader can follow your story.

5. Think of a person you have known who has been important to you. Describe why he or she made such an impression on you or made a difference in your life.

"The goal of life, the goal of anybody’s life, in fact the only real goal in all of our lives, is to leave this world a better place. To create a lasting impression that you were there, that you made a real difference. To touch lives, to love and be loved."
- Dr. Bill Steinbech

"Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake."
- Henry David Thoreau

"Our greatest glory consists not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall."
- Oliver Goldsmith

"Don't waste your life in doubts and fears: spend yourself on the work before you, well assured that the right performance of this hour's duties will be the best preparation for the hours or ages that follow it."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us."
- Helen Keller

"Happiness resides not in possessions and not in gold; the feeling of happiness dwells in the soul."
- Democritus

"Happiness is not a matter of events, it depends upon the tides of the mind."
- Alice Meynell


Happy birthday, Scorpio I's.

halloween and october are done with and we're already a few days into november! time is flying by! i have to get started on my personal statement for my msw application for csulb and i am already trying to plan my birthday.

here is someone i found at santa ana's artist village this past saturday night for art walk: check him out. naco bought a matted picture of koi fish and got a magnet too.

i went to the "realizing a vision" conference for leadership and entrepreneurship for young women ages 14-18. we got free giveaways (including 4 pairs of affordable fashion shades and a book on success) and got to hear some famous/well-known speakers! it was very inspiring and coupled with "the secret," i am well on my way! take that, sadness! i'm kicking this depression funk to the curb! as one of my tweens said to me, i ain't getting any younger. i need to move forward and do what it takes to get to where i want to be.

anyone familiar with long beach? any cool spots for a social gathering? perhaps a cool bar? or restaurant? all information welcomed!

may you be happy and healthy.