Monday, September 27, 2004

you're beautiful, that's for sure

happy 21st birthday, alli-bubba-son!!!

i started my on-campus job today. worked for 1.5 hours and then i exhausted my tasks. so i got to do homework for 1.5 hours. too bad i didn't get too much done. but it deprived me of my daily power nap. so i am tiiiired. must save myself.

in other news, i still want coffee bean. and to swim in the beach.

my love, do you ever dream of candy coated raindrops?

Sunday, September 26, 2004

yes i pray that you do love me

sometimes a curse is also a blessing. like the fact that there are TOO many fields i could go into with a liberal arts degree but the fact that i am not limited. like being in a relationship where we have so many differences that we hardly do anything together but having the freedom to still go outside of the relationship and do whatever it is i want.

its funny how important romantic relationships are to us at this age. if we're in one, if we're not in one, if we want one, if we don't want one -- somehow almost all of my conversations with friends always come back to romantic relationships. we're all trying to sort out the madness; we're all trying to make sense of such a complicated and nebulous aspect of our lives.

can we ever break down the problems that have always been there? what does it take?

you say, "stay."

Saturday, September 25, 2004

i cut so much you thought i was a dj

change is too hard. i give up! but wait, i didn't decide to change that behavior yet! oh well! i give up frustrated.

um...maybe i could just destroy my endocrine gland so i don't have hormones anymore. they are stupid and i hate being moody before my monthly friend comes. boo!

so here are my alternatives to feeling blue on a saturday night:
* watch a movie.
* study at barnes and noble.

except, i cant concentrate so i dont know if i should study. arf!

please, i know im inconsistent but im currently just feeling blah.

foolish of me to tell them all that every night and day you call, when you could care less.

and i know that i should be looking for more

Friday, September 24, 2004

when you're with me, baby, the skies will be blue for all my life

sorry for disappointing you. i will try to make amends.

ive been a bit crazy. letting go. getting sucked in. and trying to resurface. but ive been happy. i asked myself, what is happiness? and for me, happiness is the state of being where I am appreciative and satisfied with my life and surroundings. This is usually associated with optimism, along with the ability to constructively deal with the stressors that life brings, perhaps even brushing them off as insignificant. Happiness is being able to look at the bigger picture and feel assured that I have done all that I can, tried my best, and stayed in line with my values and beliefs. Also, happiness is not holding in.

so what did i do? swam at 630 in the evening with strong winds. studied away from the same place. sweet slurpees. random boba run. completely random spinach dip and mixed drinks night. practiced swimming with my face under water.

what's next? i am yet to see. but i think whatever's coming will be worth it. this is my life. i'm ready to live in the world and im ready to take control of the reigns.

are you game?

everything i have is for you

Sunday, September 19, 2004

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." --Mark Twain

Saturday, September 18, 2004

you have only been gone 10 days but already im wasting away

the truth is, i approach every relationship the way that i have always done it in the past. i always feel like i have to be what the other person wants because i dont think that im worthy of their love. so i try to please them, i try to be extra attentive so i can give them everything they want or need as i simultaneously deny myself their reciprocity. this is how i think i can win their love. this is how ive always tried to belong. this is how i think i can belong.

as i grow older and understand myself better, i realize that these patterns cannot be healthy. together with an uncanny tendency to repress negative feelings and suppress my opinions, i am a serious threat to all healthy relationships.

i should have worn a sign that said: "beware: avoider." but i didnt and people came in and out of my life, often struck down by my fears and insecurities and ousted by my own dissatisfaction. maybe if i had just approached the situation and spoken up, i wouldnt have lost many of the relationships that i did, i wouldnt have learned to give up on people so easily. but that wasnt me, that wasnt the way that i knew. i mean i always thought that it was better to keep the situation calm without my emotions in the mix of things. i always thought that no one needed to hear my opinions. i thought it was best for everyone.

but here i am, realizing that i cannot continue this way. i cant resent people for not knowing what i need or want when i dont tell them. i cannot bottle up my feelings until i explode and need an escape.

with small steps, i figure i can make something happen and be more at peace.

someday, oooh someday

Thursday, September 16, 2004

and ive come home even though ive never had so far to go

today is independence day in mexico. at midnight (10 hours ago) on september 16 of the year1810, miguel hidalgo made a call of arms to the people of mexico (non spanish) to shake off the reins of spanish domination. and now, i sit here missing the incredible experience i had a year ago in guanajuato with lexi, liz, nathan, and my familia. there was something incredibly moving about the pride within each person. and when thousands of them were together in one area, i was completely enveloped. for once, i felt patriotic and interestingly enough, i felt mexican. my familia helped me realize that holidays arent about getting time to yourself but for spending time with the people who are the most important to you.

its okay that sometimes i relate more to mexicans than vietnamese. maybe cuz it was more recent, my trip to mexico. and maybe it was because when i went to mexico, they accepted me.

can i go back? maybe then i wouldnt be so stressed about the future and so confused about stuff.

there is only you in my heart

Sunday, September 12, 2004

now im stuck in the web you're spinning

we're all just figuring everything out. so let's be patient with ourselves. and with others. we'll figure it out. maybe that's what life is all about. getting it right before we die.

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear
That you can't carry
I'm right up the road
I'll share your load
If you just call me

so lets help each other on this journey through life. we never know when things will fall apart or end. but in the meantime, let's make the most out of it. together.

just call me when you need a friend

Friday, September 10, 2004

dont blink. everyone's watching.

i totally forgot to post a bit that should have been a part of yesterday's happy blog!

so i was in the school cafeteria yesterday when i saw ramsey. we said our hellos and he said, "i didn't know you drove such a cool truck." and i was like when did you see me driving? and he said, "i was walking by it and saw how it said uyen is a hero or something." and i clarified it to him: "uyennie saves the day." mind you, my sophomore year, i had asked him if he wanted to go to a saves the day concert with me. hehe, anyways, he was like "OH YEAH, you're into saves the day." there was a bit of a pause. to make a long story shorter, he basically made a connection with saves the day and dashboard confessional and asked me if i liked them or not. he then told me that he might be able to get us backstage passes cuz his uncle is friends with the brother of the DC guitarist!!!!! oh my gosh! i have to see DC before i die, just like sarah mclachlan, but how rad!!!

in other news, i love areed! thanks for your love and concern. i know im not always around or in the scene. but i appreciate every moment we spend together. rock on!

my mom is soo cute. she brought back gifts from her labor day/anniversary trip. eeek! and she asked me to come home early today because we havent seen or talked much in a week.

ps: you can post comments where it says, "no comments yet" at the end of each post.

when you're all alone and you need a friend, someone to help you to the end...ill be there

Thursday, September 09, 2004

i cant work in fast food all my life

if you know me and what ive been thinking about for my future the past two weeks, you know that that lyric is sooooo appropriate. although at the moment, id like to think that fast food can be my friend. heheh...

last night i felt happy. i had this pervasive feeling that resonated throughout my entire being (mind). it was quite warm and fuzzy. made me feel at peace. and today, after returning to the strong natural waters of the ocean, i felt this profound sense of peace. perhaps it came from the reminder that the world is a lot bigger than my tiny life. that or it came from the fraternity i felt by being apart of something bigger than my own thoughts. hehe, furthermore, it could have been me letting go of the desire for control and being washed up with the waves. amazing. i could be happy if i went to the beach everyday. i must be a beach bum or surfer girl. please.

quiero hablar mas espanol.

there was a new bounce in my step this evening and it was such a nice feeling. honestly.


pick up line of the day: "You must be windows 95 because you gots me so unstable."

i laughed sooo hard today that people were like what? i was singing a song by snow and told them something i had heard: he's a canadian white jamaican guy. hearing it outloud from me made me laugh like no other. hahah.

shoot the moon and miss completely

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

i think ill go home and mull this over

areed is right. all the stress that GREs are causing is not really worth it. it's time i take my future in my own hands instead of hiding behind the busy work. and as areed and mle keep telling me, if i'm not happy, i gotta do something about it. here we go...

welcome gypsygrig to the world of blogs!

i need the tools to address issues and concerns when i experience them, instead of using my crying tool. no guy wants a girl who breaks down at everything. right? but how can i stop?

do you believe in what you see?

Monday, September 06, 2004

lets go surfin now, everyone's learning how, come on a safari with me

what do i generally associate with conflict?
* pain
* disputes
* anger
* discomfort
* insecurity

what would i like to change those associations to?
* opportunity for growth
* change

i guess change is scary. its unsettling. disturbing of your routine. but its gonna happen, no matter what i try to do to curb it. might as well go with the flow, huh?

see ya later, dude

Friday, September 03, 2004

remember when he told you he was 'bout the benjamins

it hurts so much. and its not even real or tangible. im sitting here crying so hard that my head feels like its going to explode and my nose feels like seven concrete walls are stuffing up my nostrils. im still stressing out and now its transforming into hopelessness and fatality.

at first, GRE class today was not helping at all. all the trite questions that only seem like test after test, instead of being a method to learning strategies. i dropped my head onto my book, bruno said dont, i disregarded him and took off during my break. with my headphones blaring. i found this passageway overlooking a window and i sat down listening to garden state. and the frustration manifested itself in tears. and as i stared blankly through the glass at the buildings of school, i longed to get out and stop studying. because in my mind, studying keeps me from living. always keeping me occupied with busy work. then when the second set of tears were streaming down my cheeks, nira showed up and sat down next to me. i wasn't embarassed that i was crying and i didnt try to act like everything was cool. but she sat with me and tried to calm me down. before we could really get off to any detail, mayer showed up. and we all chatted. eventually i found out that he had gone to whitney and we went to KC convention and spirit rally but never knew each other. haha. so i felt much better. a lot lighter. like i was breathing in life again.

but because im down, i need some consolation. but i talked to the wrong person and they aggravated my grief. and i shut down towards them. and i remembered just how stressed i was and now im back at AHHHHHH! i know they have their own crap going on. i should stop making my problems knowns.

after all you're the one who turns me off, you're the only one who can turn me back on

with you, i fall so fast

second worst feeling in the world, following feeling lonely around other people, is fitful sleep. lying in bed, waiting for your alarm to go off so you can grudgingly go through your day upset that you could not sleep and groggy from your bad sleeping experience.

i can tell when i will have bad days when i wake up at odd times of the day.

so i know i couldn't sleep because im stressing over some news that i heard that i have not been able to confirm yet. i guess the uncertainty is hurting me. and the belief that it is true. although "there is beauty in the breakdown." although, in a weird way, its kinda helping me too, in terms of thinking outside my limited box. he says that our accredidation will not be retroactive. this means (1) my GRE class is a waste of time; (2) i might have to go back to get another bachelor's; (3) if i'm too lazy to do 2, i have to find a job; (4) im moving out of state to portland; (5) im moving out of the country to mexico; or (6) ill open a flower shop or become an emt.

and i havent talked to the boy in 4 days or heard from the bff. i miss you. hope everything is alright. and you're settling in to your new situation.

but this is life. and this is it. might as well just go with it, get swept up in it. not care too much. whatever happens will happen regardless of whether or not i stress or freak out. why not take the chill road? im tired of being uptight about school...

i wish you were here

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

pacific sun, you should have warned us it gets so cold here

communication is so so important. so why can't i do it? argh.

during some moments in life, words are flooding in your heart but your mind puts the dam up to stop them from flowing out because it feels like it is inappropriate to say. so because good-byes are hard, i'll say it here.

i thought it was something that we slowly and subtlely became the same kind of person. hehe. we're twins! ...thank you for your endless support and companionship. this summer would have been sad without you... i am ever so grateful that our lives were thrown together four years ago... by my definition, you'll always have a home if you have your friends around so don't fear that home seems to be slipping away into memories... as a friend quoted, "where your treasures are, you will find your heart."

nobody knows it but me