remember when he told you he was 'bout the benjamins

it hurts so much. and its not even real or tangible. im sitting here crying so hard that my head feels like its going to explode and my nose feels like seven concrete walls are stuffing up my nostrils. im still stressing out and now its transforming into hopelessness and fatality.

at first, GRE class today was not helping at all. all the trite questions that only seem like test after test, instead of being a method to learning strategies. i dropped my head onto my book, bruno said dont, i disregarded him and took off during my break. with my headphones blaring. i found this passageway overlooking a window and i sat down listening to garden state. and the frustration manifested itself in tears. and as i stared blankly through the glass at the buildings of school, i longed to get out and stop studying. because in my mind, studying keeps me from living. always keeping me occupied with busy work. then when the second set of tears were streaming down my cheeks, nira showed up and sat down next to me. i wasn't embarassed that i was crying and i didnt try to act like everything was cool. but she sat with me and tried to calm me down. before we could really get off to any detail, mayer showed up. and we all chatted. eventually i found out that he had gone to whitney and we went to KC convention and spirit rally but never knew each other. haha. so i felt much better. a lot lighter. like i was breathing in life again.

but because im down, i need some consolation. but i talked to the wrong person and they aggravated my grief. and i shut down towards them. and i remembered just how stressed i was and now im back at AHHHHHH! i know they have their own crap going on. i should stop making my problems knowns.

after all you're the one who turns me off, you're the only one who can turn me back on