you have only been gone 10 days but already im wasting away

the truth is, i approach every relationship the way that i have always done it in the past. i always feel like i have to be what the other person wants because i dont think that im worthy of their love. so i try to please them, i try to be extra attentive so i can give them everything they want or need as i simultaneously deny myself their reciprocity. this is how i think i can win their love. this is how ive always tried to belong. this is how i think i can belong.

as i grow older and understand myself better, i realize that these patterns cannot be healthy. together with an uncanny tendency to repress negative feelings and suppress my opinions, i am a serious threat to all healthy relationships.

i should have worn a sign that said: "beware: avoider." but i didnt and people came in and out of my life, often struck down by my fears and insecurities and ousted by my own dissatisfaction. maybe if i had just approached the situation and spoken up, i wouldnt have lost many of the relationships that i did, i wouldnt have learned to give up on people so easily. but that wasnt me, that wasnt the way that i knew. i mean i always thought that it was better to keep the situation calm without my emotions in the mix of things. i always thought that no one needed to hear my opinions. i thought it was best for everyone.

but here i am, realizing that i cannot continue this way. i cant resent people for not knowing what i need or want when i dont tell them. i cannot bottle up my feelings until i explode and need an escape.

with small steps, i figure i can make something happen and be more at peace.

someday, oooh someday