Sunday, June 30, 2002

I feel unworthy. Like I am not of value to anyone. Like everyone would be perfectly fine without me.

Why do I feel like this?

I am too affected by my environment? I care too much about what others think about me? I don't care enough about what I think about myself? I have hit some point in my life where I feel useless?

I don't know how important it is to discuss my worth with others. I wanted to. That's the first place I wanted to go. To others. To have them validate me as a person of value. I knew that if I went to someone, they could fill the uselessness with value. But I abstained. I figured that this time, I need to validate myself. Even though I haven't begun and I still feel like crap. I have no idea how to go about sustaining life from within, like a succulent plant that can replenish itself from within. How do you go about doing that?

I have to determine how I feel about what I "have." Do I settle or do I chase after what I want? Do I cherish what I have, even if it isn't what I want? Do I change my notions of what I want to fit the situation? Where is the median? Do I push until things break and I am left with nothing? Do I push or do I leave things alone? Do I force change or compromise what matters to me? There has to be some happy median.

I hope I find some sage advice from someone with experience. Especially in how to be strong. Within my body. Must narrow down and focus. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. Spiritually.

Sigh. This is what living is all about. Even if it's the hardest thing to figure out.

Dear Lilly,

Freakish video. I saw. Oh my. You need to see it. Oh my.

And guess what's playing on 94.3 now? Saints and Sailors. Dashboard Confessional. I know! I freaked out when I heard it. And they are taping video for it today at the El Rey theatre. Oh my. Oh my.


Dear Andrew,
I'm sorry I haven't been reachable or unbusy. I'm sorry if you needed me when you called me the other night. I'm sorry I haven't been able to call you back yet.

Did you cut your hair? Change it up a bit? How is it being home?

How are you? What's going on?

How is your cousin? Have you been taking care of him? How is your family? Is it nice to see them?

We must talk soon. I'm going to call you on Monday. But I don't know when is good. Hmmm...I'll surprise you!

Thank you for being my friend.


Thursday, June 27, 2002

A Beautiful Mind made me believe in love again. But it did not make me forget about how relationships rely on so much more than just feelings, those things which can wash away so quickly.

I want to be like Alicia. Nash. Strong. Elegant. Smart. Loving.

Sunday, June 23, 2002

I want to more than just pretty. I am more.

Friday, June 21, 2002

So tomorrow is the anniversary of mine and ug's tragic moment: saying goodbye to each other for a week, a week that revealed something deeper in how I felt towards him. It was a painful day: blurry, surreal, hot, and depressing. I couldn't believe that I just sat there and let myself lose him, to circumstances, even though he was really important to me.

Now this fear of ug's fatalism is here in front of me. But perhaps this anniversary is a mere WARNING that I can spare unnecessary heartache by putting my foot down smack on his fatalism to reveal what I truly want: to work it out without drama and clean-cut endings.

If only I could figure out what we're doing tomorrow. And so he doesn't refuse. I want to go out. No staying in. We have to be more than what we've been for the last months: house bums.

Wednesday, June 19, 2002

Yes...I need this.

My Friends Over You
New Found Glory
"Please tell me everything
That you think I should know
About all the plans
You made when I was
No where to be found
And it's alright to forget
That we still talk
It's just for fun
Isn't it?
It's my fault that it fell apart

Maybe you need this
And I didn't mean to lead you on

You were everything I wanted
But I just can't finish what I started
There's no room left here on my back
It was damaged long ago
Though you swear that you are true,
I'd still pick my friends over you."

Tuesday, June 18, 2002

candy apples

i want to take voice lessons. i want to learn how to play songs on the piano. i want to be held. i want my relationship with my father to improve. i want to be able to conversate with my dad. i want to find a great summer job. i want to see my friends. i want to see ug. i want to find my artsy glasses. i want to finish cleaning my room. i want to sleep. i want to run/jog. i want to be in shape. i want to be comfortable in my body. i want so much...i can't breathe.

i must learn to let go and to stop dwelling so much. i am such a worry-wort too. i don't think that helps the situation any. and i must catch myself when i assume. oh! and i must be more aware of the consequences that my actions have on others. i am not always conscious. i can't let it consume me, because i still have to be true to myself.

i have to find a balance.

cool whip is tasty. so are pepsi floats.

quite interesting.


What Do I Want?

My friend, Mindy, asked me what I wanted in a romantic relationship with someone. And I did not have a clear answer for her. Why is that? Is it because I do not know what I want? Is it because I'm not supposed to expect anything from relationships because I am supposed to be happy with what comes along? Is that the way love works? Or am I supposed to know exactly what I want, but I just have no clue.

My fear in 9th grade was that I would end up old and alone...all by myself. And throughout the years, my bitterness and cynicism has led me to thoughts that I am destined to be alone. Throughout my life. That I am too complicated for anyone to want to hold on, but I am too picky to stay with someone who does want to. Maybe Mindy was right; maybe I need a confident guy to stabilize myself. But the guys that I have gone out with have been confident in themselves. All in different aspects, I am sure. But is she speaking of all around confidence? Because I am sure that the guys that I have dated have felt awkward in some aspects of their lives (and in some time of their life).

This does not make sense to me. So let me figure out what I've always wanted from my ideal partner...
  • Compassionate
  • Understanding
  • Loving
  • Caring
  • Intelligent
  • Handsome
  • Friendly
  • Romantic
  • Nice
  • Sweet
    Now, what is it that I want now?
  • Possess the awareness that growth goes on long into your life
  • Open to new activities, new people, and new discoveries
  • Willingness to change
  • Willingness to conversate
  • Patient
  • Faithful
  • Possess the ability to get through my stubborness
  • Ability to compromise
  • Willingness to let me into his world and to partake in mine
  • Possess the awareness that we each should have our own lives but share one together

    Hmm, and now...have what you want or want what you have?

  • Monday, June 17, 2002

    I don't want to know what it's like to be without ug.

    Saves the!!!

    You, Vandal
    Last night I dreamt you called from Costa Rica
    The place you've been for the last two weeks
    You said, "I miss you, oh sweet boy, and will you come on down?"
    I woke up to my cold sheets and the smell of New Jersey
    When do I get to wake up to you?
    Today I can't forget that I've got these open wounds
    It's such a drag
    I can't forget you've gone
    My ribs have parted ways
    They said, "We're not going to protect this heart you have."
    Oh no, what can I do?
    My lungs are breathing open air
    And my spleen is dripping from my pants
    You've left me here in the cold
    And I miss you
    You never told me it would be this hard
    I think my body's saying so
    When you're not here, it's leaving me
    But I hope that you're o.k.
    Even though I'm dying
    I hope that you're still trying to have a killer time
    Go see the volcanoes
    Go see the rainforests
    I'll be fine by myself
    I'll be fine without these bones.

    Three Miles Down
    Oh great
    here I go again I'm stuck in this rut
    and I'm not sure how to begin- should I tell you everything?
    I'm feeling out of luck so I won't see you soon
    'cause I know it's too soon for you to see me-
    if this is the last thing you do just tell me that it's o.k. for me to have these feelings for you
    and that it's normal to want to call you.

    Oh I'm dialing the phone and I'm letting it ring for hours and I'm pretending to hear your voice-
    Why does my heart always beat before yours does?
    After a while you can make yourself believe in almost anything,
    so I'm making myself believe in you.

    Sell My Old Clothes, Im Off To Heaven
    There's a beautiful sky tonight and
    if you were by my side then we could share it, but you're gone.

    So come at me with your moon and burn me in the stars
    cause nothing matters anymore.
    If I could only see you now for about an hour
    maybe just a minute
    just to ask
    What has he got that I don't have?
    Is it his brown eyes?
    I know blue eyes get boring but I'll wear dark glasses all the time and
    hey if you want me to, I'll take a knife to my own bright eyes.
    If I could only see you now for about an hour
    maybe just a minute
    just to ask
    what has he got that I don't have?
    Is it his brown eyes?
    Well, I'll give you a thousand reasons that tonight you should grant me this one wish.
    Like the one year of my life that I gave to you and
    now you put me through hell.
    You break me up.
    I should hate you, but I can't replace you in my heart.

    Why am I so pathetic?
    I don't get it why you won't return my calls.
    Can't you look at me once?
    And please if you got a minute,
    enjoy this lonely sky with me.
    It'll swallow us whole if we only let it.
    If I could only see you now for about an hour
    maybe just a minute
    just to ask
    what has he got that I don't have?
    Is it his brown eyes?
    Well, I'll give a thousand reasons that tonight you should grant me this one wish.
    Like the one year of my life that I gave to you and
    now you put me through hell.
    You break me up.
    If this sky's going to eat us then I'd like to be digested into a million pieces with you.
    I'd love to be scattered to hell with you.
    To hell with you.

    Every day seems the same to me
    I sit around and think about how alone I feel
    then I wind up rather enjoying loneliness because it's the comfort of being sad-
    sometimes it feels so right

    and sometimes I'd like to be around no one for ten straight years
    but I know this feeling can't bring me places
    and I know I'm losing lots of ground
    but to keep up means to get up and why does it have to be
    the world keeps on changing while I just stay the same?
    I feel like being down doesn't mean enough to anyone anymore
    and I guess the world has made emotion obsolete
    and I don't think I feel the same 'cause after all
    who says what happy really means?
    Tonight I will redefine everything and tomorrow I will start in on my better days
    and so each their own definition of happiness

    but no one ever reaches it so I don't think I'll breathe that way
    but happiness is when there's nowhere left to go
    because in that state of mind there is no state of self
    so how was I supposed to know?

    Holly Hox, Forget Me Nots
    Somewhere under water maybe you could find my heart
    'Cause that's where I threw it after you had torn it out
    Three days ago
    The doctor told me, "Every skyline and every night spent alone
    Are tearing you apart."

    Maybe I should get some help
    Maybe I should fly out to Montana
    I've heard it's quite quiet way out past the electric lines
    Out where no one will ever know my name
    Oh, I've had it now
    I'm walking down to your house
    I'm banging on the door
    Please, please, please, Mr. Hox
    Won't you tell your daughter I'm all alone
    And I'm not handling this well
    You never know just what you have
    Until you get it yanked out of your chest
    Well that's it
    I'm walking to the water
    I'm standing on the bank
    I'm staring at my reflection
    Oh my god, I look pathetic tonight
    Well, guess what
    I'm diving in this river
    And I'm fishing out my heart
    And I'm never gonna let you get your hands on this again.

    Do You Know What I Love the Most?
    Do you know what I love the most?
    Even suburbs would be o.k.
    With you between my sheets
    And the breeze in the window

    'Cause we will go there and ignore all our neighbors
    I think I'll bring you breakfast and play Johnny Cash on the stereo
    I'll sit in the lazy chair all day remembering the things you do
    So when you come home
    I'll jump up to kiss you and it will knock you back

    You'll fall over our TV set
    I'll pick you up and dust you off
    Oh, Baby let's give it a go
    I'll kiss your thighs to make you feel all right
    And then I'll get closer to taste a little sweat
    Oh I think I'm rearing to go
    You're gonna get knocked out and tied up in my trunk
    In ten years we'll go to Ohio and steal Cadillac's for a living.

    And it's not fair-why do I have to be so?
    Oh I feel everything much more-
    much more than you ever will

    and it's too hard when I can't even catch your eye
    so I can't send you messages
    and at night I dream of reasons that I can't let you go
    but I don't know if it's time to crack through your walls so thick that I can't see past you
    and last summer wasn't enough for me
    and now that winter comes the cold beats harder
    and no one is left alone and I'm offering you me right now-
    take me I'm yours
    and I won't have it any other way
    so don't let fools be carried by what I say because the night keeps looking our way
    and you're not seeing what I'm missing 'cause I am missing you
    and I think that we should run as fast as we can into what we don't know-
    it's time to let me in because I feel just fine.

    So now I've made the decision
    to walk behind you in the dark for the rest of my life
    and I'll never show my face again
    because it's too scarred and bloody to be enough
    and I don't have the right stuff-
    all I have are the empty boxes to carry away your heart
    and I think that tonight I will sneak into your house and I'll sing songs and wake you up
    and I'll take you blindfolded dancing onto bridges
    and you'll say you don't want to be with me
    'cause no one ever does and no one ever thinks of me that way
    but I will even drive you home if you never let me forget about you
    and if you promise me that I'm good enough for someone 'cause I've got to be good enough for you
    and someday soon I'll get it right
    and then you'll see just how good I can be
    so don't ask me about forever because right now I'm feeling lost
    but there's got to be some place for me because if there isn't where will I go?
    Will there be some place for me and will you be waiting there for me?
    If and when we get there please catch me before I crawl all the way home

    Always Ten Feet Tall
    So I said, "let's forget these days and just try to build some solid ground.
    Maybe someday we could stand straight up with our faces in the wind
    and scream to the world."
    We were at some boating dock oh somewhere at the waterfront staring out across the channel-
    a steamer blared its horn
    and I wished I could say everything right like 'do you want to go for a ride?'
    I looked to your face and saw the sun reflecting off your skin and I breathed in water smells-
    the skyline filled with shipping yards and factories had me dreaming of waking up-
    am I dreaming? is this really me? because I've never felt so not lonely
    and if this could be real right now
    then everyday for the rest of my life I will search for moments full of you

    but let's hope tomorrow won't cave in 'cause I'm looking for someone to change me
    and you make me feel so tall- I always want to be this tall
    'cause maybe I'll be original
    and sometimes things you say just make me think in different ways so this is my way of saying
    I could be the one who's dragged home at night away from all my hopeless dreams-
    you and me will forge some future because we don't want to be waiting
    for something right to go wrong .

    It was almost night time so we stayed inside, and closed our eyes. I whispered a thought that I had. We slept while holding hands, couldn't sleep the cold. You said, "Just being near you for awhile is enough." You have the most wonderful sense of feeling right, and the most wonderful sense of being here tonight."

    An Afternoon Laughing
    You aren't the kind of person that I couldn't fall in love with, rather you are the kind of person that I could. And I'd like to spend an afternoon of laughing at ourselves, and hear all the wonderful things you might tell me. I'd watch your eyes gleam during that time of day when you can't really tell if it's day or night. I'd like to think of us in twelve years having a place and a daughter. I think she would look a lot like you. We'd be all the time smiling.

    Saturday, June 15, 2002

    Death II

    Maybe Edward is right. Maybe I am somehow dependent on others for my happiness. That anxiety I get when I am waiting fruitlessly for people to call me. Like they have psychic abilities and are able to read my mind and feelings. Damnit. To hell.

    He had a dream that we broke up. Is that a prophetic dream? Or is it one of desire? And what does it mean that I had a dream where he spoke of us taking a break? In the same night?

    Damnit. Truly.

    I wish death would talk to me. Comfort me some. I am not feeling like this life thing. I wish that the red mark on my stomach would bring death.

    Damnit. I do not like to talk like this. At all.

    I'll call you...if I remember... Am I that hard to remember? And where does this come into play with my lesson learning of wanting what I have. Is this what I want? Am I supposed to just kick everything to the curb that does not bring me immediate satisfaction? And where is my worth? I keep remembering the whole Joy Luck Club thing. But it never sticks with me.

    Damnit. Really.

    In five days, the 20th, I have a feeling that something will happen.

    Death. Damnit.

    Friday, June 14, 2002


    Yes, death is the exact word that I'd like to use right now.

    I just got home. From a lonely night. Everywhere I went, I felt alone. Even when people were surrounding me. That is the worse feeling. I would rather have been all by myself and lonely, than with people around me. That just goes to show me that I was unable to connect with people all night.

    The bit of excitement I did have came from my obsession. I went again and looked at some more magazines. For those brief moments flipping through the pages, imagining my own wedding successfully ending, I felt that comfort and security I have been waiting for for all of my life. The sweet taste of its purity and life on my tongue, penetrating my sense of taste to heightened levels of delight. Yes, that is what my hidden obsession gives me.

    After discussing marriage with a few friends of mine, I came to the realization that when a partner or the partners are somehow dependent on the other, then the marriage tends to last. There was a consensus that love alone cannot fuel a marriage. But I did not want to believe that economic reasons could. I wanted to believe that it was a combination of both and much more, like sacrifice and communication and trust. And that discussion made me think, maybe that is why couples who are only dating in high school do not last that long. Perhaps they are only based on feelings, which run away quickly without the cultivation of other aspects.

    I would like to believe that I have the potential to have a lasting marriage some day, but I do not think that it is possible anymore. My dreams are being crushed by the observations that I have made about men, about my boyfriend, and about myself. I can feel my dreams slowly decaying into the bitter taste of cynicism and skepticism and despair. That which can "ravage" me. Which will leave me bitter and resentful. Of everything that will ever remind me of marriage and two people sharing their lives together legally, something that binds them further into staying together. Is that what love is supposed to be? A contract of two bodies that have assets and egos that clash endlessly? Maybe if love was never found in marriages it would be better for the world. Love could then preserve its true power.

    I am powerless. I am without love. Incapable of feeling it. Incapable of sharing it. But forever yearning for it.

    Death. Need we say more?

    Wednesday, June 12, 2002


    I do not feel like I am growing anymore. Stagnant. But not rolling in decadence.

    How do you become more confident in yourself? I am at a loss to understand how.

    So I think I'm good at feeling sorry for myself. Creating nasty situations in my mind where I am at the bottom of all living things.

    I am just Win Win. Nothing more, nothing less. That's how I am and will be remembered.

    Grad Nite, huh? Sigh...pretty...that's where it all began. I should have gone to the beach. Sigh. I should have...? Who placed that in the English language? I need to use enriching language. Consciously. I am appalled by this negative wordage. Maybe tomorrow I will remember how to be happy.

    Good night, past graduates, present graduates, and future graduates. When does the beginning really start?

    Sunday, June 09, 2002


    I talked it out. I asked for what I wanted, what I needed. I emphasized its importance to me. And it is possible. UG said that he would give my requests a conscious effort. To speak to my mother in Vietnamese and to greet her. I am glad that Li had faith in him. I was less sure because of a nagging low self-worth measurement and a taste for pessimism and cynicism. Quite interesting.

    My father is attempting to create a different type of relationship with me. And I have been resistant. Most of the time, he has been yelling at me and picking on me. But he vows that his reason for doing so is because he has no one he can yell at. Interesting. But he attempted to make amends with me today after I refused to eat dinner with him: he gestured for a handshake twice. I must stay open to his attempts at being more than the father he has always been to me: absent.

    And I am no longer grounded, which is relieving. It felt quite restraining to be grounded. However, I still have issues about my parents trying to protect me from danger after hours.

    A Call for Help to myself

    I have to make this work. I have to assert myself. I need to ask for what I need. And if I get it, I must continue to cultivate something of meaning. But if I don't get it, I must figure out what I should do.

    The hardest lesson of the year 2002 was this: "love is not enough." I've realized that I've been placating problems, assuming that I could heal all wounds with my feelings. But it doesn't work that way.

    As Lilly said, marriages are more than just love. Love cannot make a marriage work. There are so many factors that come into play. It would be idealistic and unrealistic to believe it possible. All marriages that have lasted have been more than just love, maybe even lacking love. Perhaps love's power is not in making someone stay close to you for "as long as you both shall live". Perhaps love's real power is keeping someone in your heart for the rest of your life. You can love someone with all you have, but that does not mean that they close. But love must work if after they leave, they are still in everything that is you. In that case, you have been truly touched by love. However, even if you have been touched by love, do not think that that means they should be with you. The universe works in strange ways. You just have to forge ahead through your life, filling it with value, remembering how blessed you have been to have even found love. Many people spend their lives searching for it but coming up empty handed. You are quite lucky.

    I find before me life. I hope I am living.

    Saturday, June 08, 2002

    How to handle being home with over-protective parents

    1) Do not speak words when they lecture.
    2) Do do chores that no one asks you to do.
    3) Go out all day. Then sleep at 11pm.
    4) Pretend like everything is okay.
    5) Agree with everything they say.
    6) Reject offers of money.
    7) Accept that you are home and under their rules.
    8) Come home an hour before they tell you to.
    9) Constantly clean your room.
    10) Spend your own money.

    What shall I do? ::rhetorically speaking::

    It appears that my spending time with my boyfriend after 11pm is a no-no. Also the fact that a certain boy does not talk to my parents much has been much considered. So my mom devises this punishment. What is it? I am not allowed to leave the house to hang out with him for two weeks. However, he can come over. I'm not so much outraged at the fact that I'm "grounded." But I am worried that I won't see UG for two weeks. That he won't visit. That he won't break down that wall that keeps him from being comfortable around parents. And I am frightened because I am afraid it is the truth.

    On a happier note, I took myself to watch About A Boy last night. It was great. The movie too. But I felt liberated and tense at the same time. I was excited that I actually had the guts to do something of the sort. But I was tense because I left the movie right after the credits began to roll and I felt everyone's eyes on me and my solitude. Haha. Oh well, with practice, I will get better. But it was great. Truly.

    So I thought about it, and maybe I'm not ready to die yet. There are a few things that I must clean up at this point in time. So, no, I would still have a few worries on my mind.

    So I wanted to go visit Li at UCLA. But my only way there was Ji. And at first, he wasn't sure if they were getting home that night. I couldn't do that. I had house stuff to take care of at 7am. I talked to him later, and he told me who was going to be there. And I felt uncomfortable. So I panicked and freaked out. Even though I wanted to talk to Li about it. But I couldn't contact her. So I decided not to go. I didn't feel good about going, but I didn't feel good about not going without telling Li. So I feel bad.

    I am sorry, Lilly.

    It's cold where you're going. I hope your heart's always warm. Sigh. I don't think the sun's out in my heart.


    Thursday, June 06, 2002

    Shall I?

    Fortunate is the person who is able to produce the correct words at the correct time in order to convey the correct message.

    Who is understood at every moment of their life?

    Some people are quite uncomfortable to remember. They make me blush. They make me stutter. They make me shudder. Sigh.

    Perhaps my discomfort is merely a sign that I am alive. To remind me that I exist. As is the happiness and confusion that I feel. Perhaps all emotions are harsh reminders that I am living that moment.

    Eat Mangoes Naked is a lovely book. So is Einstein's Dreams.

    Wednesday, June 05, 2002

    In the back of my mind...

  • All this silence and lack of contact, even though UGand I are physically inhabiting a more proximate space, scares me.
  • But maybe he hasn't called me because he's afraid to talk to my mom.
  • So after having a very relaxing evening of laying in bed, reading my new SARK book, with a glass of my favorite drink, and listening to jazz, I hope I learned something.
  • Allow pleasure to be your solace during the bad times.
  • This light is very bright and doesn't work three ways. Sigh.
  • The most depressing Dashboard Confessional song must be The Brilliant Dance.
  • Must learn more Weezer and DC songs if I'm going to their concert.
  • I see that I have to watch Moulin Rouge with Mr. J. Adams.
  • I see that I have to go to the district tomorrow.
  • I can't wait to take myself to the movies to watch About A Boy.
  • I'm sick of waiting around for people.
  • Do most college students start drinking during their freshman year?
  • Too much television hurts my brain.
  • Too much phone hurts my head.
  • I wish I had a piano.
  • I wish I had big headphones.
  • I'm finding pleasure in my summer days, even without much company.
  • Don't expect anything. Ever.
  • I wonder if Mr. Barnett remembers me...
  • Must tell Thien that Eammond called.
  • Where is Thien?
  • If I have time this weekend, I'm going to visit Bob.
  • Next week is graduation. I supposed to take Doni. I don't think Peter remembers me.
  • "I'd give it all away just to have someone to go to."
  • Most of the letters that I have kept have little substance. But they seem to serve as a log of junior high school and what went on within its walls.
  • I shouldn't expect a call.
  • I'm going to UCI's art exhibit tomorrow with Mister Andrew Camba.
  • I'm going to bed soon.

    "Sure, she's got everything."
    No. She doesn't. But don't give her more. She doesn't need it.

  • Monday, June 03, 2002

    My hidden obsession

    Lilly knows about this obsession I have. No one else though. I'm not sure why I do it. I'd never tell anyone else. They'd think I was nuts. Maybe Lilly already does. But I still like to do it. What is it? I like to look at bridal magazines. I like to look for "my dress." Most of them are filled with advertisements anyway. But maybe this is my conscious way of being closer to the day I will get married. Even if I'm not sure if I will. It's nice to imagine...