Saturday, July 31, 2004

[edit] even if things get heavy, we'll all float on

after gathering information, our generation does not start "loving ourselves" until after a huge heartbreak, perhaps an experience where we are cheated on. our trust is destroyed, left fraying in the winds, while we try to pick up the remains of our broken hearts and mend it. after that last straw, we have no other company but ourself. beyonce sings of it. "me myself and i." and it is within that shattered pain that we recognize that we do not deserve such disrespect. from our partners. from our friends. from strangers. we then find the strength to command and demand the treatment that we are entitled to, no longer allowing anyone or anything to get us down. we build resilience. we build courage. and we cultivate the ability to cherish ourselves, although flawed and imperfect, because in a way, we realize that we are survivors.

be kind to one another.

my dashboard confessional

our love was comfortable and so broken in.

"remember to breathe" and everything will be okay.

am i drowning you out with boasts of deception?

god only knows what id be without you.

im lying here, nestled like a ball, trying to push away the thoughts that hurt me.

but for now ill look so longingly waiting for you to want me, for you to need me, for you to notice me.

what am i to you?

when we gonna wake up, baby, before its too late?

you try to tell me that im clever, but that wont take me anyhow or anywhere with you.

the more i cry, the more i cry.

tomorrow holds such better days.

but my ears wont stop ringing.

will you find me when i am lost and unable to find my way back?

Friday, July 30, 2004

you make me feel like i am young again

one of my resolutions that failed miserably from 2002 was improving my posture. so since i have noticed that my bad posture has left a crease or wrinkle on my waist, i have decided to pick up and re-resolute it. that should help strengthen my lower back muscles and give me the appearance of being more confident.



i wonder what my profile would be. And kept asking me questions about what kind of guys are ideal, what features i am attracted to, if they can be old or young, etc. i've never really thought of these things, probably because i havent been single and searching for a while. cuz when you're in relationships, what's the point of thinking of ideal traits? they're already "yours" and youve probably already fallen.

there is a certain power in vulnerability. i am strangely drawn to and aware of weakness and frailty. i find it uplifting to witness someone opening up about his/her pain. i better remember broken moments of darkness and fear. maybe i hope that i can do something to alleviate. perhaps the power of vulnerability lies in its adhesive abilities.

then i wonder, is it good that i hold on to this preference? doesn't it drag me down? keep me pained? shouldn't i be listening to happy music? watching funny movies? or am i [edit] sadomasochistic ?

i dont mind spending everyday out on your corner in the pouring rain

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

if you like her, that's all that matters

seems like no matter who they are, they's PP 4 life. tall, skinny, quiet, athletic, gamers, ballers. always gotta prove themselves to others. especially when they are challenged. but i guess everyone can get like that. silly ego threats.

with some people, i can go through the entire spectrum of emotions and still be grateful that i have them in my life. there must be something else connecting us. or the experience of such rich feelings that makes us even stronger.

if you dont know how someone else feels and you assume you do, doesn't that leave you living in a fantasy? just a thought...

i want to write the narrative of my family's story. and if i have time, my autobiography.

if i could go back to a certain part of my life, i would go back to high school. take things less seriously. study less. try new activities. go more places. hang out with friends. take risks. believe in myself. maybe, i would already be like that now. but its never too late, as i learned last year. so here i go, 17 again. i guess its appropriate that i feel 17 now. its time to live.

if only for today, i am unafraid

Saturday, July 24, 2004

hope dangles on a string like slow spinning redemption

"Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight/Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight."

"It's not having what you want/ It's wanting what you've got."

last night i hung out at boomers with Zee and Max and tapioca express with them and And. today im having pho with Pil. tonight, saves the day concert. sunday, im having my weekly brunch with Bob. whatta weekend.

whatcha gonna do next?

get us as far as far can be/ get us away from tonight

Monday, July 19, 2004

i wont tell your secrets

Your love is... by ChibiMarronchan
Your name is...
Your kiss is...breath taking
Your hugs are...friendly
Your eyes...burn into my heart
Your touch is...irresistable
Your smell is...refreshing
Your smile is...entrancing
Your love of a kind
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

just think of me as the pages of your diary

Friday, July 16, 2004

you make me wanna la-la

whoa, blogger got a new positng face. interesting. all this change has totally thrown me off and im forgetting why i signed on to blog in the first place.

oh yes, i was going to let you in on some more lists!

new habits:
* read 1 article a day from la opinion, a los angeles newspaper
* walk in the water when i go to the beach
* watching a lot of tv

things realized about summer:
* its about relaxing and enjoying yourself
* too much free time is bad
* i have to plan it out better for next year!

next movies to watch:
* anchorman
* king arthur
* bourne identity --> bourne supremacy

friends to see soon:
* bob
* mindy
* lisa

friends i need to get together with before summer is over:
* andrew c
* mitzi m
* john l

things i still need to do:
* read my books in spanish
* finish scrapbook from mexico
* go to new places

you cant make me fall

Sunday, July 11, 2004

you're all i know, i can't let go

newness is exciting. but i've lived such a sheltered, safe life that i avoid newness like it's some sort of bubonic plague. i don't know why else i'd be so afraid of the new, besides my fear of not being perfect for other's expectations and my highly held values of stability and comfort. but the story of my life is finding comfort and keeping it consistent in my life. i haven't minded my stagnation. my lack of growth. my wandering around in circles within my small kingdom.

but don't they say that safety is just an illusion? if so, i've been living in a dream for the past 21 years, one where i make myself believe that my life is exactly the way it should be and that i'm safe where i'm at. i fool myself into believing that i need nothing more while my spirit tells a different story. i can feel it in my breath and my steps that i'm lacking. but what is missing? appreciation for what i have? a greater truth in life? excitement? passion for some cause?

i'm just gonna have to throw myself out there into the endless ocean of possibilities and suck up my fears. because...

there's gotta be more to life

Saturday, July 10, 2004

how stupid could i be

i rode around the block with my bike and my mom. and i saw elizabeth o's dad. i havent said anything to him in years, maybe 8 years. so, i mustered up enough guts and said, "hola, senor, como esta usted?" he said, "bien, mija, coma estas?" i said, "bien. hasta luego." he said, "cuidate." it was soo nice. the "mija" was so cool. aww.

so, things im planning to do:

* beach!!!
* knotts after 4!
* bike ride!
* rock climb!
* dance!
* saves the day concert!!!
* laguna beach!!

whatta life.

hear you me my friend

Friday, July 09, 2004

i wonder how i bought all the lies

the best thing in my shopping history happened to me today! i found my favorite shoes (jack purcells) new for $6! oh my goodness...i will be happy every time i look at my new babies! =) how beautiful.

after four consecutive failed attempts at watching spiderman 2, i was finally sitting with my arms around my knees biting my one nail for it last night! =) yay! i just gotta keep an open mind EACH and EVERY TIME i watch a movie. like i used to do. but forgot in the last 6 months. i wish i would have been able to sit through the credits like i like to do. but i really had to leave. my bladder had been waiting for over 2 hours.

seven months ago, i was really happy. even though, at the time, i didnt expect it. i thought i was going to be really unhappy when i got back home after studying in mexico. i was afraid that all of my friendships and relationships would have changed for the worst. but i was so blissful when i returned to my casa, my familia, my amigos, my novio and got back into a groove right away. hehe, so blissful. i miss that feeling. and in hindsight, i am soooo appreciative for everyone who welcomed me home.

we can rendevous around the bar until around 2

Thursday, July 08, 2004

i'd like to think what i have is real

lots of random thoughts in my mind lately... lots of words that linger under my skin... i want to let go of them by forgetting. but forgetting doesn't ever help. you have to accept and move on. not just cover over with dirt or a rug.

friendships are interesting. like zerlina says, some you work at, some just happen. as ive said before, proximity is important to many of my relationships. but as i think of it, proximity is really important to the friendships that have just happened. if we're not close or together, i fall out and drift back. for the ones that i work at, it doesn't matter how far away we are. somehow, all the miles, the long distance phone calls, the emails, the time checks are worth it. then there are the friendships where neither one of us work at it but we both stay connected. somehow. like we were made of the same stuff and all we need is a passing thought or annual hangout, and we're good to go. like no time ever passed ever. ah, it's nice to who my close friends are, who my best friends are, who my kindred spirits are.

it's nice to have a better grasp of who i am.

something dark is washing over my soul

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

but ill show you it aint nothing but a thing

my writing class is over. and my professor's final comments were something like "keep writing. you have a way of constructing realities."

my room continues to be a mess. maybe i should try to clean it some more. but my mexico scrapbook has been worked on. it is nearing completion, if not already done.

the illegal fireworks are getting out of hand. i realized im not a fan of fourth of july. or maybe im not a fan of the fourth in orange county. maybe that's it. i spent 2002 and 2003 in the bay area being a tourist. much nicer.

ive caught the travelling bug and have all these hopes of going places. but we'll see if they are just fleeting moments of adventure. all the places i want to go are new and far away... eh...

perfection leaves me stagnant.

i realized last night that "i am only as much as i allow myself to be" and for now (and my whole life before now), i haven't allowed myself to be much. so where do i go from here?

being a princess comes at a price