Saturday, January 31, 2004

its getting harder and harder to breathe

it took a physics related talk for me to realize that although i expect to know everything there is to know about object a, it is impossible. although i may know how to calculate the speed of light, i will never fully understand what light is, whether within the human grasp or beyond, i can never fully understand it. this is the same truth for people. no matter how much i think i know about another person and how much they share with me, i can and will never know everything there is to know about them.

might as well choke now and let go of that expectation. before i choke under pressure. huh? get out.

Friday, January 30, 2004

huacos to fill

in spanish american civilizations, we learned about the incan culture and how they have a huaco for everything, from food to decoration. they are made with different shapes and different designs and different colors. so its easy for me to feel that everyone and every responsibility that is in my life is a huaco. and i merely serve as the liquid that is poured in, filling its shape, going with its every nook and cranny. yes, this makes me quite flexible. but in the process, i stop caring about my own form and what i am.

i thought about the people in the world who have high-paying jobs who hardly do much while i watch my father's body wither away from all the rigorous motions and repeated tasks he has done for the past two decades. the former get to plan vacations and have a sitter come watch their dog while the latter worries about his failing health yet continues to wake up at 4 every morning to get going.

i want to cry. maybe i already am.

Thursday, January 29, 2004

circles not lines

for some reason, our culture thinks that time moves in a linear fashion, extending as far along as we will ever exist. but that wasnt the case to the mesoamericans. they believed that there were cycles of time, being destroyed and recreated repeatedly.

somehow this reminds me of physics. and my speed of light lab. yes, i am an avid hater of physics. but during a discussion today, i realized that the speed or velocity of light is not just a quantity or label that allows humans to understand light. that the speed of light is an entity that humans can never fully understand but it still plays a huge part in our lives and the universe's. the interconnectivity of us and light and everything else that reaches us in our lifetimes is a force that we must preserve and protect. if not, we risk eternal chaos, internally and externally.

Tuesday, January 27, 2004

looks like morning in your eyes

i started the day, suddenly awake in my bed, with the tears still hot on my cheeks, feeling lonely and ashamed.

maybe i should have known not to get out of bed.

my lack of success at re-emersing myself in this culture was startling. but at the same time, it is comforting to reach out to people who are experiencing it right now. it scares me that i havent actually been social, that i cant point out someone that i have hung out with at school. but my days are filled with uncertainty, as i try to slow down this fast-paced life.

maybe i have grown and become more confident. the nature of my relationships has slightly changed with others. with my parents, with some friends, and with my boyfriend. there is less rash behavior. maybe im less rash.

::shrugs shoulders::

one day i will find myself thirty, paying off my house, hopefully in a job/career that i finally settled on, cooking up delicious meals, biking or jogging regularly during the week, dressed in a jcrew-y style with various intriguing and comfortable articles, taking regular evening trips to the easily accessible beach, and sharing in the company of my loved ones.

maybe im tripping cuz i havent been to the beach since i returned to the states.


it all makes sense now...

Sunday, January 25, 2004

i miss zw. a lot. already.

maybe he doesnt pamper me and make life a romantic place of ideals, but at least he lets me be.

i dont wanna go back to school but i dont wanna stay. where do i go? the place in between where my mind is and where im at?

new years was thursday, but it surprises me because it feels like ages ago.

if i was truly vietnamese, i would be quite worried about the outlook of this year: these past days of the new year have been sketchy and anything but good.i dont like being unprepared for class, but i definately was for my first psych class of the new year. and i wasnt feeling too good after class, so i sat alone for lunch. physics came and brought out a rather upset professor because we moved the speed of light equipment. and it was somewhere amidst our experiment that i had the thought, this is gonna be a crappy year. so i proceeded to prepare to go home and prepare for my PE class. i actually had a good time working out with my buddy, so much so that i had dinner and forgot to let my family know that i wasnt going to have dinner with them. so i made them wait and they, in turn, made me feel guilty.

after being on campus for the 17 hours in between new years morning, and new years evening, i forgot that it was new years. being at school really makes you forget about all that is going on in the world outside of soka. besides being a big bubble, there was no celebration and little knowledge of the actual holiday. i guess thats the fault of me and the other celebrater's of chinese new years. so i partially forgot to call home because i forgot that it was a big day. i cant believe it.

now on to the underlying topic at hand.

although i never noticed it before, i am having a difficult time readjusting to academic life and family life here. it didnt dawn on me until today. but like ive pointed out, its not like me to not do all my reading for a class or to completely reject going out with my family. but i bet it has to do with the freedom i had when i was in mexico. i got so accustomed to making my own decisions about what i wanted to do for my days that when i returned to live under the roof of my overbearing parents, i forgot how many restrictions were placed on me. also, being away from rigorous studies, i dont remember how its possible to read pages and pages for each of my four classes in one weekend. especially, if i want to have a life.

which brings me to my next point. im noticing how my parents treat me and i dont think it will ever help me in my quest to define me. they use guilt and shame to try and get me to behave a certain way. they pamper me and provide me with all the material things i need and more, but because of that, they feel they can control and dictate every other aspect of my life.

so i come to my final point of the evening. i think i need to get away from the roof of my parents. in the long term and maybe even the short term. but the short term is problematic because if i dont go home, id have to stay at school. but if i stay at school, i know i wont be happy either. because being at school will only bring out my need to study. so i dont have anywhere else to go. unless i went to sd to butt into dk's life. id want to hang out with mn but that is where this whole thing started, so for now, that is not a good choice. not until the fires settle down. but in the long term, im thinking returning to mexico for some time, which makes me a little antsy. i wonder if i can spend a bit of time living in the bay area or portland, but i dont know where i would start if i did. what would i do there?

my mom said to me, "if you wished me happiness for the new year, you shouldn't have done that things. so you shouldn't have even wished me happiness for the new year. finally, if you want to be happy, then you're going to lose me." biting, stinging words.

my dad said to me, "when you graduate, move far and away and live your own life. maybe go to mexico. your mom and i are the way we are and we just cant live together." stinging, honest words.

the way to salvation is the truth.

Tuesday, January 20, 2004

i keep trying to figure out how to be happy while at school. some restricting feeling tackles me and forces me to obey its rules of behavior and engagement. i get up off the field, dumbfounded that someone was even playing with me, determined to follow my own game plan in order to affirm my own plays to achieve happiness. but somewhere amidst all the excitement and adventure, i think back to that last tackle. i dont know what the rest of the game will be like because i had no real game plan so i listen to the restricting feeling.

i shun away from my potential.

but this evening, i did read like 44 pages of textbook for psychology. the self and identity. it is so interesting. so fun. cause its everything ive ever been interested in. but i square someone not taking the class looking at the literature would think that anyone reading it was crazy. hah! there you go judging me again... please, let us all stop the insanity and move on with our lives.

but back to that school thing, i really feel relief when i start my journey to go home. i cant put my finger on what it is but i think it has something to do with the collective group of students at school. i think i do alienate myself but there is something intensely intimidating about a group of people who all share the same values and mindsets. i dont feel like i can really open up. its probably because im so used to the life i lived before, just like the collective is, that i dont want to let go of what i know. it doesnt hurt that school is so close to home and i can frequently pull myself away from school to head towards home.

how can you be happy where youre at?

Friday, January 16, 2004

wow, what a busy first week back at school! i cant believe its only been a week. seriously, ive done so much without much clue of what was happening.

my classes are okay. i am taking four: i like one and am nervous about the other three. the first one is my writing class where the focus is literature. it made me wonder if i should go into that concentration. my spanish class is a spanish american civilizations class. i can understand what is going on but cannot speak. yikes. i guess i didnt learn too much in mexico. my self and identity class (psych) sounds interesting and the readings keep my attention, but i dont feel like i have a grasp on psychology terms and ideas. and justins pointed out that its a 400 level course; he freaked me out. my last class is physics. mmm, what can i say. its only been one week. but i have a speed of light lab to do and all the information is way over my head at this point. at this point..i hope that is true.

lunar new years is around the corner and my mom is making preparations, wanting my help, needing my help. yay!

Monday, January 12, 2004

dont compare yourself. dont compare yourself. dont compare yourself. it will only blur your own existence and reality into one where you feel you arent good enough. dont compare yourself. dont compare yourself. dont compare yourself. spring break is the 15-19th. and yours might be the 27th? weee...then i do get to visit you!!! east coast, here i come.

mindy's best friend came to surprise her. she is soo happy and i am sooo happy... and her happiness just made me realize how much i appreciate my closest friends and how amazing they are...

piglet - you are my best friend. oh my gosh... the more we grow up, the more i realize how lucky i am to have become your friend. i know im one of the only mushy people in your life, but i cant help it. you are one of my few happy people, someone i can hang out with and feel stupid happy...hahaha, i cant help but tell you. what if you never knew? and i died or something? you rock. thank you for letting me be me, even if that includes bad driving...

mini me - how did we get so close so fast? we are sooo similar, it is no longer funny. hehe, you never fail to be there when i need someone to talk to. thank you for opening up and sharing your life with me. i will never forget my swing dancing roots...thanks for the support and encouragement. and for the positivity.

adopted sis - i dont know what i would have done without you in my life. you helped me so much throughout the time that i have known you. you helped me enjoy school and life in general. all the firsts that we shared made me a better person. and i can never thank you enough. i hope that, even though our futures are further apart than they used to be, that you still see me as your sister. lets hang out, kay?

jenp - we will always be able to we first did in junior year. you are amazing. i learn so much from you. and somehow, its always fun when we are together. im glad that we havent lost touch, even though we dont talk all the time; i dont even think we have to. we're still that tight! thank you so much.

i love you. may all your hearts wishes find their way to life.

Sunday, January 11, 2004

my backyard crew rocks. so much logic that ive never had in my life. so much strength. so much support. so many words to share. you rock! oreo cheesecake..mmm..yummy. fun fun fun to be had. yes, bad driving, very. but im not usually like that. i promise. hehehe. but after our session, so many thoughts of "people to whom rocks should be thrown at."

i know what the future holds for us, i just cant wait to see what we do with it...i feel your presence constantly, whenever i think of you i feel your hand in mine or you arm around me. it is overwhelming how much i feel for you...

...excerpts from seth.

Some people think that the physical things
Define what's within
And I've been there before
But that life's a bore
So full of the superficial

Some people want it all
But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you, baby
If I ain't got you, baby

Some just want everything
But everything means nothing
If I ain't got you

its amazing to genuinely feel for someone. even after the first weeks. even after the fights. even after the faded hope. you come back and keep fighting to continue, but you know its worth it. it does depend on the person.

Thursday, January 08, 2004

im sliding on the rainbows of my childhood dreams

so many words that have gone unsaid, so many thoughts that have been silenced by my own insecurity and politeness. inside, an abyss of undelivered speeches and conversations collide violently against walls of sensitive cells and emotions. what results is a chaotic jungle of overactive defense mechanisms and resentment, a life unfulfilled and stifled.

last night, i couldnt fall asleep, upset at the way things were left between my mother and i after another one of my late nights. so i turned on my light and scribbled in my english journal, sketching out all of the things i wish i could say to my mother. ive never thought to do something like that before, but several vast pools existed for me to pull my words from.

just because i leave you behind doesnt mean that i dont love you...i know you want me to be happy but not allowing me to do what makes me happy will ultimately make both of us unhappy...i feel the onset of my wings; dont stop me from flying, mom...

writing that kind of thing reminded me of the monologues that i used to write in english classes in high school. and i couldnt stop at my mother. i went on to write out all the things i wish i could say to my boyfriend. somehow, im not emotionally comfortable with him. therefore, it is difficult for me to say much with substance to him.

how come your voice drops to a joker tone whenever we are together it a sign of it discomfort... i have trouble expressing my feelings to you and as i have noticed, you do too... i appreciate how i can just be whatever i feel like around you, but sometimes, by my own tone, im not really me...if you dont think about why you do like me, do you ever think of why you would not like me? would you ever recognize when you wouldnt...were we always in trouble?

i guess its luck but its the same.

no me ames

Wednesday, January 07, 2004

sometimes, things happen and it changes how you act and how you feel. you never thought it was possible, but change actually occurred in front of your very eyes. what beauty this world offers.

i thought it was so amazing that i could talk to my host parents about anything in the realm of conversation topics, besides what language barriers did not allow me to communicate. i talked to them about drinking and love and passion. perhaps it was the fact that no long-drawn history of silence and fear of trouble existed between us, like it did with my own parents and me. but now, after being away for a few months and having had discussed taboo topics with others, i had a conversation with my mother that would have been impossible months ago. it was difficult because of insufficient language abilities. but i got my point across, swiftly.

what a difference a trip makes.

now my brother heads across the world to the distant land of japan. i wonder what adventures will find him. i wonder what bridges will lay out before him.


mirame, mirate

Sunday, January 04, 2004

"just remember to keep on doing things.. accomplish little goals... everyday u gota keep doing something to build on that foundation.. so u keep moving... ur either growing or ur dying... so grow"

gracias para tu ayuda

its only the fourth day of the year, and my hope has already faded. maybe its because ive been feeling under the weather and physically. maybe its due to the fact that the more times i commit to changing myself, the more times i am disappointed by my own will and inability to summon the courage to follow through. is there something wrong with change? are habits too difficult to change? maybe i am just falling back into the old pattern. i need to redirect my energies towards positivity. thats a start.

im glad that he notices my pauses and quirms. because if he didnt, i would have to be a lot more aggressive. or assertive. its funny to try to have a conversation while you are being tickled. which by the way, id forgotten how fun it is. not too many people have tickled me in the past years.

my brother left today to return to his home. it was two fun filled weeks of having the whole family together. and we werent at each others' throats, yelling in unison. i spent much time with my brother: we went to the book store, shared late night fast food snacks, stopped at brookhurst jhs to take pictures, and shopped at target. we also spent our slow evenings, reading/writing in my room, lavishing in each other's presence. it was nice. soon, my other brother will leave to japan. its his 3 months to be gone and my three to take care of the home front. funny how we reposition ourselves. for new situations. for other people.

maybe if we all realized that our ways of doing things and living lives is no better than anyone else, we would not have so much conflict.

am i a typical person? am i typical orange county? am i typical female? am i typical vietnamese-american? ive worked so hard not to be that im not sure anymore...and if so, why am i with a typical kind of guy?

less than 100 pages of da code. excitement. but i wonder how it can end. its been such a ride so far. i wonder if its possible to wrap up. hmph.

no tengas miedo ni duda.

Friday, January 02, 2004

my brother is sitting in the room with me and he is sniffling, the aftermath of an emotional description, powerful enough to induce the real tears of pain. this moves me beyond the fictional contrivances of movies or novels, for the mere fact that it is coming from my brother, someone who i have only seen cry once because he was so upset with his situation in life. it wasn't until this year that i knew that he had this image he felt like he needed to keep up with me, one of a strong older brother who never faltered. but we both realized that such images were damaging to both me and to him, and we both walked down a path of honesty and open communication.

now i sit here wondering what i should do. when i first noticed that there were tears in his eyes, i reached over and touched his blanketed feet. but since then, i have only typed. does he want me to ask him what's wrong? should i break the steady reign of the sniffling soundtrack that has passed between us for the past 30 minutes? i wish i knew how to comfort but i haven't had many models to follow after. what would you do?

tal vez no te escuche,Tal vez me descuide