Monday, December 30, 2002

most of the time, i feel fine. but sometimes, even when things are going well, i feel this tinge of loneliness and emptiness. and i want to swim around in it, hoping that i will come out all wrinkley and puckered, maximizing the negative feelings. but at the same time, i know i need to find strength within myself. comfort and security are mere illusions. if i wish to feel them, all i have to do is imagine them. however, strength is different. there are physical manifestations of strength, as well as mental and emotional. these are the goals of my battle. this battle i must fight by myself. and i can do it. i just have to wake up every day and re-resolute myself.

on a lighter note, hot curlers are nice.

remember how big baja fresh's portions are when ordering.

what's for new year's?

sad how you can feel so empty with something and without something. sad. i know.

"as long as people can change, the world can change."

Friday, December 27, 2002

haha, i thought i updated earlier this week. apparently not. i'm delirious right now. hahah. too much shopping the last three days. gadzooks. no more. bank account won't allow me. i think i went overboard with presents this year. hahhah. i told you i'm delirious.

i need to find things to keep me busy. i'm thinking that will be the solution, right? it'll keep me from thinking so much, which will ultimately lead to a more simple life? maybe. and maybe i'll feel better about everything once i don't have time to think about things much. so what can i do? i was thinking of volunteering my time somewhere or getting a job or learning an instrument or playing a sport. i just don't know if i'll get myself to doing it. maybe i need to find someone to do it with so i can get around to it. gadzooks.

eyes hurt. bah. but i've been culinarily satisfied the past couple of days, which feel like a long time. not that that is a bad thing or anything.

again, no substance. haha. what funniness.

poor butterfly.

learn to recognize the omens; they seem to be everywhere. everywhere. or at least they have showed themselves in the past 48 hours. wow. go the alchemist. maybe it's bringing me closer to my personal legend. yes. little butterfly show me the way.

"your friends will be there when you need them." right in deed. right in deed. thank you for being there for me. i am deeply moved by your compassion. thank you.

what now? maybe look for some frivolous joy in consumption? no. i cannot. i do not have the funds. great. must figure out something meaningful to do with my life. peace corps? nun? hahah. not funny. could be a real possibility if i ever get myself motivated enough.

so yah, the only thing i can do is academics. without it, i will be quite bored and in the gutter. must find something else to do with my life. so when school is over, i won't be over. hahha. ahha. hahahha.

gotta get on the ball. i'm going to go look up places to volunteer. dang. coolness. i'm out. take care. bye!

Thursday, December 19, 2002

i watched moulin rouge this evening. thought it was sweeter than the first 2 times i watched it. but it was also inendated with sociological images of sexual stratification and objectification of women. bah. and it emphasized our own theory of how stupid (oblivious) boys are. up until the end, he didn't know. so thick-skulled. and both of them loved her because of her beauty. they knew nothing about her. just knew she was beautiful and good in bed. bah. and what happens when one finds out that he is not loved? he forces himself on her. grr...that's so stupid. "oh, i can't have her heart but i can still force myself onto her body; that's good enough." dumb. that's freaking pointless. but they seem to do that. bah. bitterness. i know. they swear that they are prisoners of their hormones. hah. it's an excuse to behave how they want and get what they want. bah. maybe they are the weaker sex. they square they can't do challenge themselves to do something that is deemed hard. nope can only do easy things.

what's left? must keep training. must find the might. good night.

Wednesday, December 18, 2002

i used to believe in something. i thought it was sure. i thought it was solid. but right now, this burning cavern is taking up its permanence in my heart and i don't know what to believe anymore. maybe it's a mental blind to keep me from treading back where i came from. i've come so far. or maybe it's lifting the covers that blinded me.

buffy scared me so much last night. i totally wanted to cry at every moment. i think it's because i figured out the parallel between buffy and i. so somehow, i have to believe inside that i can continue fighting, even when i have no answers, even when i am beyond exhaustion, and the scales seem in favor of the other. i need to find the courage to keep myself in battle. i fell last night (and yesterday for that matter). but i must garner the strength to get up and keep fighting. armed with my weapons, i am no sitting duck. i have my heart, i have my ears, i have my mind. i can do this. i'm gonna find each one of them and rip out each and every heart. there is only one thing stronger than them and that's me.

they want an apocolypse? i'll give them one.

Tuesday, December 17, 2002

i wake up before my first two finals from this dream that would haunt me. if i let it. and it might if i start talking about it. so i'll resist. i'll let it go. pretend that it means nothing and pretend like i never had it. even though it is evident that it has critical meaning.

however i lie to myself and let myself off easy when i don't wanna study any longer. every time, i feel bad. every time i exchange words, i end up upset. but not this time. i'm not gonna let it eat away at me. it ain't worth it. no one is worth that self-degradation that i put myself through. not even someone who means the world to me. it ain't.

ease? damm, that's all it is. you'd rather run out on me than challenge yourself. even though you are better than that. even though you could be better. so much potential. but you are static. or at least you square you are static. damm. thanks for making me feel like i ain't worth anything. i see. damm, you're down. but i ain't gonna let you get me down. ain't no one gonna hold me down. let's see the strength of this warrior.

get out. it ain't. you is. i am never going to be your fool.

Wednesday, December 11, 2002

Why does it feel good when someone you know is genuinely happy? Perhaps it shows that everything is connected somehow. That your actions can affect someone and end up hurting them, which you can feel. Maybe sympathy pains are a key to treating others better? And maybe everything is connected to this big picture to help you achieve something, like in the book The Alchemist. In order to find your Personal Legend, the universe helps. But you have be able to tune into the world and understand yourself and everything that exists with you.

Off to bed...four dates for winter break! YAY! =)

Monday, December 09, 2002

I looked over my archives last night while sad and they made me sooo sad. I realized that I do express a lot here. Amazing. Probably one of the things that kept me sane during the hard times.

Have you ever been envious of the friendship that someone you knew had with someone else? You desperately longed to connect with someone on that level, to be able to make that person happy, to be able to help that person have fun. But you couldn't do it. And it tore you up inside because a person you thought of dearly would never see you in the same light?

Maybe sailing up to the clouds would be nice.

Yes, I understand that a lot of things I write about here are abstract but not as abstract as the other one. Eek. That is the truth.

I am surviving off of three hours of sleep and an hour's worth of naps. I have another night to go and then I will crash until my system is restored and fixed. Yes! Then it is off to the wonder-full world of finals!

Do you ever have conversations with people where you feel like less of a person afterwards? Somehow they managed to make everything you said sound stupid? That everything you said was cast aside? It makes you feel ugly inside, doesn't it? Then you get sad...stray from your focus and get lost in a whirlwind of pointy pain. Bah...