Tuesday, June 29, 2004

ive been waiting for a chance to let you in

new lessons learned on
* new activities
* perfection
* embarassment.

good reads:
* old journals
* old cards
* dont sweat the small stuff.

good ways to spend summer days:
* bike riding
* eating fruit
* taking baths.

most comfortable things:
* fluffy pillows and blankets
* microfiber anything
* pajamas

things missed:
* friends and family in Guanajuato
* not having to wear glasses to see more than four feet in front of me
* playing on a volleyball team

most annoying things:
* gnats
* the small balls of fabric on worn out clothes
* getting sucked into marathons

things im learning to deal with:
* teasing from boys
* hunger
* riding my pink, conspicuous bike

Friday, June 25, 2004

how ya gonna do it if you really wont take a chance by standing on the wall

id love to open up the floor beneath me, jump in, and hide away from the rest of the world. keep myself far and away from reality.

i guess that's what ive been doing this week. staying away from this blogspot and anything related to writing. i didnt want to do it. i wanted to stop. mostly because im weak. but after some time off, i know i have to keep going, keep writing, keep doing my homework for class, keep my outlet fresh and practiced.

thanks, allibubbason, for the postcard! soooo cute! i love snail mail! it rocks my boat in a gooood way!

"the woman warrior" is really good. so far my favorite chapter is chapter two, "the white tiger." its soooo good! i cant believe ive had to reread the first 3 pages 3 times. i couldnt get into the book before, but this time, i was ready. i guess timing is everything.

we'll see. we'll see.

i got so much love in me

Thursday, June 17, 2004

i just have to hear those sweet words

so they say im the marriage type. but i dont know what that means because ive never personally thought about marrying anyone. i mean, ive thought of the ceremony and how my name would go with my husband's last name (dont all girls do that?). but ive never thought, "wow, if we were married, we'd da-da-da-da..." never. so how can i be the marriage type? who knows?

maybe though, when boys see me, they think "oh, she's someone i can marry." but i dont understand that either cuz how can you look at someone and be like, "i saw her; i think i can marry her." what the heck?! i dont get it. huh? someone make sense of it for me. now.

in other news, can i just dress people for a living? it's fun. hehe, but i dont know how to choose things that fit a person. i just choose things that i think look good together. ahh! ahhh!

barren land. that's how i like it. im still getting rid of more stuff in my room. the less thats in here, the better. wee. i hope it continues to minimize. or i cry.

i would never ever let another's touch come between the two of us

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

we're not even trying to change

layered in years of resentment and hate, she somehow kept feeding the fire that exhausted her bones and wore out her spirit. she continued to hate the men that were absent and inconsiderate, the men who were in her life but served as useless background props. she needed more. much more. and she expected more. but didnt get it...

it wasnt until one cold winter night, while plowing through the chill, that she had time to think. and in those moments, as she sat with a blank stare overlooking the amber sunset, she saw a young girl with an aging man. although the little girl looked unhappy with her arms crossed solidly across her chest, the older man looked her dead straight in the eyes, said a few words, and fell silent. the little girl looked like she was trying to hold back something as she bit her little nails. within a few minutes, she threw her arms around the aging man who stayed low to the ground, beside her the entire time. even though his bones must have been ravaged, he stayed squatted to be with her.

she kept replaying that over and over in her mind. the old man was patient, in his stoic silence. but nevertheless patient. had she ever been patient with the men in her life? did she expect things to happen immediately? could she wait in a period of not knowing?

as the sky fell to a shade of deep blue, she held onto her knees even tighter. it was going to be a long night; she might as well brace herself sooner than later.

Sunday, June 13, 2004

no tears will fall from these eyes

okay, so first things first, this is for jessica even though we were earth firsters!

next, i just got back from sea world! hehe, fun. but i realized that my silly comments about me being old are true. the boy and i arrived at around 11am and we left at around 4pm. oh my. and sea world is definately a place for the family. but i didnt let that get to me. my favorite part of the day was seeing the boy's eyes light up whenever we saw something cool, like the polar bear or the walrus. my own favorite part of the day was sitting down to watch "rl stine's 4D haunted lighthouse" show. it was a few minutes to rest and avoid getting wet because we had great seats! yay!

lastly, this time of year (public schools' graduation) always makes me nostalic. it reminds me of the beginning of the struggle and the beginning of the light. and it is also my daughter mina's birthday. i get all worked up when i hear songs like "good riddance (time of your life)" or "graduation song" because it brings back good memories of a time of much newness in my life. i guess graduation will do that to you. i wonder if next year's graduation will be as poignant as high school's...

as we go on, we'll remember all the times we spent together

Friday, June 11, 2004

its time to show and tell

you know how last time i said, "because of the stuff i write about, i feel like im still a teenager"? well, after living for a couple of days, i noticed that i still feel like a teenager in most things that i do. someone i met in my writing class asked me how old i was and it took me a while to give an answer. i still felt at most 17. i guess i havent gone through much since getting to college. i mean, im still being fed, im still taking classes that i have to, i havent had to worry about finding an apartment or paying rent ever. so my college experience is keeping me from experiencing the stuff that some of my peers have gone through. eh...

so yesterday, for the first time in a realllly long time, i truly opened up and talked to my mother. although i spend so much time with her, i havent had a conversation with her in years. i guess as ive gotten older and gone through different experiences, i havent been able to communicate any of it to her. i just aint got that level of vietnamese. but yesterday, i just asker her stuff, as well as i could. and i listened to her. i dont usually. im usually in my own world, singing some song lyric as she tells me something. it was nice, real nice.

so im trying to compile a list of the best cruising songs so if you have a fave, email me!! im me!! something me! ive hit a rock in the road of bikes. =) so please help me recover if you can.

if you havent already noticed, im glad im no longer planning to be a writer. i cant really do it. and im not open enough to write good stuff. so luckily, it was only a phase. however, i do plan on doing it for myself, keep my journals and notebooks busy for a while longer.

i spent more time last night cleaning out my room. i went through all my pictures from jhs and hs and just threw away pictures of people who i no longer see and who no longer mean anything to me. then when i got up, i got rid of somet things on a wall. its starting to look cluttered, which is much better than SUPER cluttered.

maybe, ill go get another bachelor's degree after graduating. but if i do, i dont think im going to go to grad school any time soon. i just cant stand studying that much!

cuz i want it all or nothing at all

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

soon love soon

today i went bike riding for at least 8.4 miles from seventeenth street in huntington beach to orange street in newport beach. it doesn't seem that far by car, but if you are going back against the sun and wind, it is LOOOONG.

i also watched "21 grams" today and realized that i appreciate the fact that alejandro gonzalez inarritu doesnt think the audience is dumb. i appreciate that he made his movie something you have to follow because he has the faith that we can figure it out.

so watching the movie again, there were a couple of things that stood out.
1) every character said or heard "life goes on."
2) when paul drove christina home and put her seat back, i thought it was a beautiful and poignant detail that there was a baby seat in the back.

and yes, like inarritu said, the movie was in english but it was very latino.

so i drove home after watching it and realized that whenever i watch a movie, i see the boy in every male character. and i came to the conclusion that he's a part of some classification i do of all males. which is really sad. because he's not every guy. and i wish i could just see him for who he is and accept that person. cuz like paul said in "21 grams," "we're not changing" and i shouldnt expect anything like that. but i cant help but think that change is possible even though i never see it happen. eh... gotta identify the expectations so i can let go of them.

and we will be as one people

you see everything

i get attached quickly. i tend to have a lot of friendships that are close in the very beginning but over time, they gradually fade. i dont know what happens. i think i crave physical proximity because it makes me feel safe and loved, maybe. but when that is cut off, the emotional proximity that built up slowly distances itself too. so in the end, i feel lonely. or maybe, i just feel lonely all the time, masked by busy days and nights.

i think ive given up on happiness. its too high maintenance. too hard to maintain. too fleeting. i think im gonna try peace.

i realized that even though my brother and i arent what i wished we could be, im glad he's my brother because we dont hate each other (knock on wood) and he doesnt purposely try to screw my life up. so im grateful. for both of my brothers, even though i always give them a hard time for not letting me hang out with them when we were kids. we're family. there will always be that invisible bond, you know?

so seriously, i have all these expectations for my "the boy" and im not even conscious of them. so i feel unsatisfied a lot. what's wrong with me? argh... they say marriage takes compromise and im starting to agree. i think if my husband compromises, i might be able to accept him for everything he is and is not. but unfortunately (or fortunately), im not married. haha. haha. i dont get it either. i still dont get the relationship thing and im not good at it. man...experience doesnt help cuz every relationship is so different and particular. you can't master them. you can only master yourself. but that is something beyond my abilities now...

maybe ill just play mixed doubles and smile prettily. maybe i cant do anything else but stand and look nice. ::sigh::

this post is a downer. sorry.

my passive-aggressiveness can be devastating.

Monday, June 07, 2004

get out, right now, it's the end of you and me

or should i say, "it's a small, small world."

today i went to my jury summons in santa ana. i was an hour and 15 minutes late, slowed down by insane traffic northbound on the 5, side-streets to santa ana, and an accident right before getting to where i thought i was supposed to be before realizing i didn't know where i was going. ps: once they find you in oc, you get summoned every year. so all y'alls who arent from oc or havent been found, y'alls are lucky!

aa, i get there, check-in, and wait. im sitting writing a letter to a friend. then the people sitting around me start talking about pedafiles and how people go down that track. so i tuned out and looked over to my right. the chairs and people were one big blur, especially without my spectacles. but this one face stood out. and i kept looking over at him. it looked like someone i knew except the hair was alllll weird. so i thought, look for the clothes! what is the guy wearing?!

so the people around me are depressing and i keep looking over at the dude to catch his attention. finally!!!! we look at each other and he waves. so i get my stuff and excuse myself.

i walk over and sit next to him and tell him how he looked like him but didnt. then he explained how he's trying to grow out his hair, maybe like ravi. and im like, EEEK! not you! ahhh!

anyway, we go to lunch at the main place mall and he wants to go shopping. we get back to the courthouse 5 minutes late. he then proceeds to embarass me and push me to saying hi to a friend from junior high school, well acquaintance. then i say, "p-hat, take care, see you in little saigon!"

haha, it was my physics professor at the jury assembly room with a cell phone on june 7th. haha. haha!

my brother is going to see get up kids and dashboard tonight. why didn't i buy tickets? ay ya!!!

it's a small world after all

Sunday, June 06, 2004

her heart is breaking in front of me

and i cant help but cry.

i will cleanse my mind
so i can fly high
leaving behind these
frivolous earthly cares

the world has an endless
horizon of joy and fear
and i must bravely
confront all that it gives

i dont like vegetables. or fruit. but im trying to put them into my diet. and im starting to like them more. watermelon's nice. so is lettuce. green apples have a nice kick. and freshly squeezed orange juice is nice.

then i saw her face. now im believer

Friday, June 04, 2004

well well well weeeell

i look at the things that bother me and the things that i choose to write about. and i feel like i havent grown up much in the past 3 years. i still sound like an angst-ridden teenager, struggling to find comfort in my skin while the world rages on around me. i feel trapped in my negativity and i feel like i can never escape it. i am a prisoner of my mind and i wish i could surpass my own limitations to find whatever's out there that can help me grow up.

but maybe its not time, not the right moment for me.

on a side note, my pisces-aries cusp (march 19-24) horoscope in my Birthday book says that "people born on this cusp may prove puzzling to those unable to understand their curious admixture of passive and active characteristics. they can be at once dreamers and doers. however, as feeling-intuitive types, they often lack earthly stability and hard mental objectivity. for this reason, their lives tend to show a great deal of conflict and flux."

-- haha, that is so me! case closed.

te llevare al cielo

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

this is gonna be a hell of a long summer. i need to do something where i can meet people or something because im beginning to feel like i dont have any friends and the ones i do have, im just wearing out trying to spend too much time with them. i should just hang out with my friend, music. the one who doesnt mind spending 24/7 with me and doesnt say anything back but says everything. im gonna go play with music now.

my love is a life-taker

this is my problem: i think and it stops me from doing. so i stay at home so my mind can dwell on the stupidest of stupids. and it makes me want to rip out my heart. i need to go anywhere..

im out. you with me?

this time im mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking.