Tuesday, April 30, 2002


Monday, April 29, 2002

Don't feel like you have to commit all your time to your girlfriend just because she's your girlfriend. Women want balance in their lives: friends, family, job, and significant other. They don't want to spend all their time with you, not because they don't want to. But because they don't want to get sick of you. Don't think that you have to. You have your life. I have mine. But we also have our life together.

Friday, April 26, 2002

I can't be both US and FRIENDS. The confusion, the suspension in my feelings...I can't handle both. With this, I can't be in the gray. I can't...

Thursday, April 25, 2002

For You to Notice
Dashboard Confessional

I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
Where I would impress you with every single word I said
It would come out insightful,
or brave,
or smooth,
or charming
And you'd want to call me

And I would be there every time you need me
I'd be there every time

But for now I'll look so longingly waiting
for you to want me,
for you to need me,
for you to notice me.

I'm starting to fashion an idea in my head
Where I would impress you with every single word I said
It would come out insightful,
or brave,
or smooth,
or charming
And you'd want to call me

And I would be there every time you need me
I'd be there every time

But for now I'll look so longingly waiting
for you to want me,
for you to need me,
for you to notice me.

Search my eyes
For the answers to your heart's questions.

Wednesday, April 24, 2002

Memories of giving

...What he used to do on his own...what he used to feel...

"Baby I hope you have a good night sleep and try not to think so much k? Stop saying 'thanks' all the time...My job is to make ya happy =) it's all in the 'husband package' hehe...
Husband Package includes:
*Unlimited Clinic Time
*Unlimited Hugs and Eskimo kisses
*Unlimited Cuddling Time
*Cooking Time & Washing Dishes
*Tickling is optional *wink wink*
*And More!!!
All for a low price of ONE KISS A DAY! Call your violin
for more details =)"

Conversations of the box

him: what sup
him: what is it that u wanted to ask me
me: is it easy?
him: what do u mean?
me: going on...
him: i dont know
him: i guess so since i'm thinking
him: we'll always end up together
him: and it's a break for now

me: "what is your reason(s) for taking a break?"
him: i don't think i have enough time

me: "are we 'us' without the title or 'just friends'?"
him: i think we are a little bit us.. a little bit friends

him: can we talk at a restaurant
him: the beach is cold
him: and i'm sick
me: not if i'm going to be honest. and i know that you are sick and i would just usually be like sure, but this is the only way i can do it. we can just postpone.
him: no
him: friday is fine

me: okay...finish telling me your thought of
him: i dunno where i wuz
me: you said..."when the day comes..."
him: copy and paste everything
me: "him: i don't think we should
him: because then we'll be restricted to be in some sort of 'mode'
him: when that day comes"
him: i meant to tell u "because then we'll be restricted to be in some sort of "mode" when that day comes
me: oh
him: therefore.. everyday should b our aniversary.. not 1

Tuesday, April 23, 2002

Tender Scrawls
Uyen Nguyen
23 April 2002

Alters your reality,
Everything you've known,
And chews it in its mouth
To spit out a new concoction.

Nothing lasts,
Everyone should know that,
But we have hope that
With some things, it's possible.

Like love.

When you love, you feel as though
Nothing will ever change:
The way you feel about someone,
The way someone feels about you.
You have a notion that
The two of you can last
In order to prove the neighsayers

But no matter what you try,
You ultimately fail.
And the hardest part is
Realizing that love
Couldn't overcome
The fury of Fate
And Trial.

Now your reality is lost.
Nothing is the same.
Nothing ever will be the same
Amidst the nasty concoction
That Change has given you. *

Tender Scrawls
Uyen Nguyen
23 April 2002

I love you,
But love is not enough.
Love can fuel passion,
But love cannot hold us together.
Love can buy presents,
But love cannot create value.
My love is hanging before you,
At your convenience,
Because I've fallen in love with you.
It is there for you.
And I thought that would mean
But instead of being embraced
By your heart and infused into
Your being,
It remains lifeless
Before the two of us.
Apparently, love is not enough.
Perhaps my love is not enough. *

Tender Scrawls
Uyen Nguyen
22 April 2002

When I expect you to
Hate me,
Battle me,
Destroy me,
You come to me in silence.
In your attempt to
Tell me something
You stumble
Because you know it's not right.
So you look at me
With your pained eyes
And I know what you mean.

I tell you to kiss me
And when our lips marry,
I announce the words to you.
And you break down.
You crumble into a soft child
And cry.
"You mean so much to me,"
You say between tears.

All I've ever wanted,
You gave me.

I think.
I can't remember if...
I can't remember all the details
Because I just woke up
And didn't get the chance to
Record the whole dream.
In my precious longing,
Deep in my subconscious
And deep in my heart,
I will know.

But for now,
I sit awake in this harsh
Consciousness holding on to
Your tears that I slept with. *

Clarify what he wants. Am I wrong?
What do I want?

Monday, April 22, 2002

Why are you on this break?
Are we us without a title or just friends?
Can we use terms of endearment?
What will bring us back together?
Are we waiting for you to be ready?
How will I know when you are ready?
Is there a need to explore other people?

Sunday, April 21, 2002

My dreams are never foretelling; my dreams seem to be of longing, of deep desires swelling in my subconscious awaiting deliverance.

When I dreamt of him pulling out a ring before the crazy doctor tried to cut me up, I was shocked.

When I dreamt about him asking me to marry him in between a kiss, I knew that it couldn't be a close-in-the-future event, if a possible event at all. I know how he feels about marriage. But I still felt excited.

When I dreamt of him crumbling before me and confessing his love after I shared my heart, I felt a deep longing in my chest for at least one of my dreams to be telling of the future.

I wish I had the strength and courage to make my dreams come true so that, ultimately, my desires can be met. Maybe that's the problem. Desires.


Saturday, April 20, 2002

"Why did we do this?"

Tender Scrawls
Uyen Nguyen
18 April 2002

Laying next to you
With your arms around me,
The rest of the world vanished.
And although we were
Huddled in the darkness,
Unable to see,
I could feel you next to me
I could feel you inside me,
Stroking my heart
And untangling my discomforts.
You and I
Pieced together,
Amidst the disillusioned world,
Like a puzzle created
During a time of havoc.
Two souls coming together
When the rest of the world was
Cold and demeaning.
Two hearts touching
As we lay together
Like two lost children
Comforted by each other's
In a world so harsh,
We found each other.
In a world so momentary,
We will have forever.*

Tender Scrawls
Uyen Nguyen
20 April 2002

Let me help you take off your jacket
And your dress shirt.
It seems restricting.
And please take off your trousers.
Get uncomfortable.
I'm going to remove your undershirt,
And while I'm at it, your boxers, okay?
Now, yes, I understand that
It's a little cold.
But that is besides the point."

His body is trembling
He looks fearful and cautious
He makes no eye contact
Only raising his shameful eyes rarely
From the solacing ground.
I step in closer
Staring harshly at his glowing skin.
I move to touch his bare shoulders
Noticing how his body recoils.
I circle him, like the innocent prey he is
Until I look him straight in the eyes,
His torn eyes in mine.

"Now I've stripped you of your protective shields
And under it all: your style, your persona, your masks,
All you are is a frightened soul
Scraping remains for comfort and acceptance.

"And that is what I will love most." *

I just feel empty today. I don't really have anything to say. But I wanted to talk. To somebody. Or in my case, to something.

Driving my mother around today, I wasn't there. I wasn't with her. I couldn't be with her. My mind was elsewhere. Where, I can't pinpoint. But I was thinking of him. And I was thinking of what he's doing with his life.

Getting over. Moving on. Filling holes. I can't do that now. I don't want to let him go. If I let him go any bit, I will move on and not be able to go back. Or, at least, I think so. From patterns in my relationships. But maybe that was only true because I wasn't in love. Maybe now that I do love, it'll stay with me, in me, like everyone says it does.

My heart is ruptured. All the blood is streaming out in strange directions. No order. Chaos. And I do nothing about it. Nothing but urge it on and destroy it even more.

A) We stay.
B) We move.

1) You learn to treat me how I want to be treated.
2) I learn how to accept your kind of love.

i.) I sleep.
ii.) I read.

a.) I place studying at the top of my priorities.
b.) I accept lower grades.

I am tired more often. Maybe to ease the hurt I feel when I am awake. I must go fall into the darkness that comforts the emptiness in my heart.

"So why page me '99 8284'? Why page me '8284 424'? Why tell me that you spent 5 hours with your friend and then ask, 'So you're leaving me for Zerlina?' What does this mean? You took me into your arms, the way you used to. But I thought we weren't the way we were. I thought we were friends. And what broke my heart was when she said, 'We want to see you more often.' I knew that 'we' couldn't include you. It couldn't. And for the first time, I left so quickly. Because I had to get out. Because I couldn't control how I felt.

I feel crappier being without you. But I haven't lost you. I have you as a friend."

Thursday, April 18, 2002

"I miss you. But it's not fair for me to tell you that. Not now. I don't know what you're doing with your life, but my saying that can only complicate it."

Crumbling faster, crumbling harder.

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

I don't want him to think that he was doing me a favor by taking a break. I didn't need to be away from him. He said that he didn't want me to feel crappy. But the times I felt crappy with him can't even compare to the times when I felt happy. I didn't want this break. If we could have worked to solve things out together, I would have completely jumped at the chance. But he said he wasn't ready for the commitment. And that was the one thing that made me agree to taking a break. I thought, If he's not ready and fully in the relationship, there is no reason for me to force him to stay. No reason for me to hold on. Even if I am happy being with him. If he's not happy, I can't be.

I am so lucky that I am still his friend. For the last few days, I've been feeling as though I was just his ex-girlfriend. But I realized tonight that I need to cultivate a new kind of friendship, the one that I am so grateful to have. I just have to be a friend. No pressure. No concerns. No worries. No lines of distinction between boys and girls. Just friendship, that beautiful flower.

Can you go on without letting go?

Tuesday, April 16, 2002

"Every day I am learning how to be without you."

Beside My Pillow
Uyen Nguyen
3 April 2002

As I lay here beside my pillow,
The walls converge into one endless white mass,
The air swirls violently around me,
Unable to penetrate passed my two feet barrier.
I can only think of you
And what we used to have.
I’ve been lying to myself for the last two months,
Telling myself that our relationship was merely
And that nothing was wrong.
I would hear your voice
Serenading me with your stories and anecdotes.
I could feel the grasp of your soul on mine,
Holding on to our special bond.
But all the while,
You were out-of-reach,
Out of control,
And out
Of my life.
All the while,
I was still holding on to you
And everything you meant to me.
I was so adamant about us
That everyone else was pushed
Two feet away, held at a distance
By the memories we shared.
The two of us—
Yes, the 2 of us.
I can still feel the connection.
I can still feel the love.
I can still see your heart.
But now all I have
Is a pain-full memory
Of a friendship
Time took away from me,
From the two of us.
As I lay here beside my pillow,
The walls converge into one endless white mass,
The air swirls violently around me.
I can only think of you
And what the two of us used to have. *

Uyen Nguyen
28 March 2002

I’m afraid if I let you go,
You’ll be gone.
That all my love
Was not enough,
Not good enough,
Like me.
That even though you meant the world to me,
I was nothing but another girl.
That all the times I tried to be someone you could love,
I was only fooling myself.
I’m afraid if I let you go,
I’ll be gone too.*

It seems that I am okay because these are all the moments I am already used to being without him: these studying moments and school stuff. I think it'll be way hard when I'm home on the weekend, during the time I'd usually be with him. With him.

I must fall into the darkness again. Don't feel like existing right now.

Excerpt from
Dressed to Kill
New Found Glory

i can't dream anymore since you left
i miss you singing me to sleep
i can't wake anymore in your arms
i miss you singing me to sleep

cheer up my friends all say
you're better alone anyway
but you're always on tour
and you're never home
i'm always dressed to kill
and i feel like i owe it to the world
but i owe it to myself

and you're, you're not here
and i can't stop pretending
that you're forever mine...

I really want to let him know how I'm doing and what I'm feeling, but I'm afraid that's going to influence him.

The hardest part is this: the fact that four days ago, I could call him "honey" and hold him and kiss him, but now I can't. I have to let go of that and stop myself. Whenever we've been online the last two nights, I've had to stop myself from typing, "sweetie" and "honey." Sigh...that makes my eyes well up.

Monday, April 15, 2002

"Should I be honest? I promised myself that I would work on my communication. If I don't work on it with you, then who will I work on it with? What will help the situation? I want to be with you, but maybe that is just the recoil from being in a relationship. I need to give myself more time to heal and mend before I truly tell you what's going on. Perhaps all of my thoughts and ideas now are very muddled and unclear. I should give it more time. Allow my mind and heart so sort everything out. To realize what is better."

"The woman you are able to love will be sooooooooooo lucky."

I am in denial. I can't stop pretending that we are still together. People made references about my boyfriend today, and I just went along with it. All the while it ate at my heart. To actually realize that we're done with.

True. I want attention. And I want to know if someone loves me. I want to see that.

But I want him to be all that I want. I don't want to find someone else who is that. But that would have to mean he wants to be what I want. Or I'd have to give up on those wants that he can't give me.

I feel so empty.

It makes me sad to think about what he's doing. All the fun he is having. All the "not crying" he's doing. All the people he is with. While I feel so alone, even with all the people around me. Just because I am without him.

I see. I felt a completion with him in my life. Stupid social ideas ingrained in my mind. "You are nothing without a man." I just want to have someone to share my life with. Someone I can share my love with. Someone I can share myself with. To know that he sometimes thinks of me and smiles. To know that he wants to hold me when I get the chills. To know that I am capable of loving and receiving love back.

It's no one's fault. I just have an extremely difficult time letting go of someone I've grown so close to. I mean think of what I went through in order to be with him.

And I have the occasional thought that there is someone else. Who he likes more. Who is more special to him. Who he sees himself capable of loving. And I feel even more emptier. But at least he's happy. I'd rather him be happy than stuck with me. Although I am here sad without him. It's more important to me that he is happy. That he is happy.

I knew it was coming. But I didn't realize that it really would.

On Wednesday, when I had that fleeting moment where I couldn't breathe. The thought I had had was me being okay with him ending it. Then I couldn't breathe.

But I still couldn't handle it. I guess I just didn't think it would actually happen.

Would I rather be with him, allowing him to use me? Or alone, crying without him?

It's not that I want anyone else. Maybe that's why I'm afraid to tell people. I'm ashamed that I couldn't hang on. That they'll see how incapable of love I am. Or maybe I just don't want anyone to know because I am secretly holding on to a hope that we'll be together again. So why explain the drama of breaking up and getting back together again? I've never been the kind to break up and get back together. That slightly happened between Jim and I. But we broke up for like 10 minutes. Sigh.

Waking up, I realize that every day will be harder, not the opposite.

And tears fall easier too.

My main concern is that space will inevitably lead to us not getting back together. Space will give him time to continue being the way he is. Space will pull us farther and farther apart. He will never change with space between us. He will just continue on the way he is without me. While I agonize without him.

I'm supposed to be able to function without him. But I can't. At least I can't now. It hurts to know that we won't be together anymore.

It feels the way it did after June 22. That week that I thought was one of the hardest things I had to go through. Here I am again. Only more painful. With more tears. And less comfort.

It feels like a war is taking place inside me. Nothing around me comforts me, solaces me. I am numb to all around me.

And now I am in Fatal Boy's position.

While he continues on with his life, as though nothing has really changed, I struggle to make it through every moment. In silence. In burning silence. That furthers the divide between me and humanity.

No hope in me.

But I suppose it's a good thing that we won't be enemies.

I just can't dry up. I don't think that I can face the world. I look horrible. And to every concerned heart I must turn my face away.

You can cry so hard that you have to puke. It's possible. I did it. Well except I wouldn't allow myself to puke.

Maybe I loved too much. Maybe I scared him away. Maybe I'm reaping what I sow because of what I did to Fatal Boy.

"Was I too complacent? Too eager to please and conform to your authority? Am I turning out to be the character in THE JOY LUCK CLUB who I didn't want to turn out to be like? The one who only pleased the one she loved, because she felt her own love was worthless. And the only way she could compensate was by making him happy? Am I her? And are we like them? You bored of who I am trying to make you happy.He wanted to know what she wanted. Maybe you do too.

"So what is it I want? I want you to love me. For you to show me you love me and respect me and cherish me. I want you to feel and for me to feel and for it to be okay to feel it. I want to be yours for all of time. Like you said I would be. I want to marry the one that I planned my house with, planned my life with, planned to share myself with.

"But maybe it's too early. Or too late. Perhaps it's not time. Or never will be. Perhaps we will find each other again. "Time After Time." Or not. Perhaps our stars were ill-suited to find themselves next to each other. Or not. Maybe one day, you will miss me. Want to be with me. And I will be there, with my arms out. Maybe not.

"I wish you all the goodness this world can offer."