Monday, April 15, 2002

I am in denial. I can't stop pretending that we are still together. People made references about my boyfriend today, and I just went along with it. All the while it ate at my heart. To actually realize that we're done with.

True. I want attention. And I want to know if someone loves me. I want to see that.

But I want him to be all that I want. I don't want to find someone else who is that. But that would have to mean he wants to be what I want. Or I'd have to give up on those wants that he can't give me.

I feel so empty.

It makes me sad to think about what he's doing. All the fun he is having. All the "not crying" he's doing. All the people he is with. While I feel so alone, even with all the people around me. Just because I am without him.

I see. I felt a completion with him in my life. Stupid social ideas ingrained in my mind. "You are nothing without a man." I just want to have someone to share my life with. Someone I can share my love with. Someone I can share myself with. To know that he sometimes thinks of me and smiles. To know that he wants to hold me when I get the chills. To know that I am capable of loving and receiving love back.

It's no one's fault. I just have an extremely difficult time letting go of someone I've grown so close to. I mean think of what I went through in order to be with him.

And I have the occasional thought that there is someone else. Who he likes more. Who is more special to him. Who he sees himself capable of loving. And I feel even more emptier. But at least he's happy. I'd rather him be happy than stuck with me. Although I am here sad without him. It's more important to me that he is happy. That he is happy.


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