Friday, February 27, 2004

my icy hands are no match for my heart

i awoke to the hard drops of water outside my window. afraid that my room would become a flood area, i lifted up my shades. and my sleep-stained eyes witnessed a beauty never before experienced or thought of. the unbearable ominous clouds bathed the sky i saw, however, the sun, from behind me, shone down like a spotlight following an actor. the world was so beautiful within those seconds. i quickly dropped the shades, as there were no troubles with my window, and went back to sleep. yet, a serenity filled my body as a drifted away to a place of quiet solitude.

and once it has begun, dont stop until its done

Thursday, February 26, 2004

the soul traverses the boundaries of the human prison

it could all be so simple, but youd rather make it hard

as i sit in my block-wall cuarto, music blasting and light fixture buzzing, i anticipate the satisfaction of finishing the task that lays waiting for me. i will get to it, once i finish this expression of my mind, this expression of my consciousness.

no one loves you more than me, and no one ever will

two and a half years have passed in this founding institution. two and a half years i have held myself back from looking towards the endless horizon presented within its walls. sometimes, i was able to find amazing gems of education, of friendship, of unity when i wasnt even looking. maybe tonight was the start of one and a half years of solid foundation, of solid enjoyment. perhaps, when i leave this founding institution, i will think back fondly. but allow me now the margin to explore and test these waters before finalizing on any points of security. let us see if i can find something to support my ability to find meaning in whatever situation i am in. because if i want to make expression a vital appendage of my body of a life, i must start somewhere. even if it is a club that isnt as low-key as id want. sometimes, you gotta compromise.

no one else comes close

Tuesday, February 24, 2004

nobody wants to be alone, if you're touched by the words in this song...

dont worry, i havent died. ive just decided to listen to my own suggestion and cut down on the distractions during the time i have set aside to study. cuz all those little icons and shortcuts arent helping. nor is leaving my screenname signed in when i know i shouldnt even be on in the first place.

did you know that during finals week, schools have designated times for everyone in the halls to yell and vent? just cuz of all the stress? i think sua should do that every week. yes. release the stress from studying all day everyday.

feb 25: the premiere of alicia keys' new video if i aint got you on mtv's trl. yikes. cant wait to see it! ahhh! wouldnt it be rad to go see "ladies in concert"? maybe thats only because im digging alicia's new cd. yayness.

so this funny happened today while i was walking with my "tuesday friend" to work out. one of our classmates passed by us and said "tuesday friends. can i be your thursday friend?" apparently people notice that we hang out on tuesdays and thursdays (our workout days, people!!) and like to comment on it. so what was our lovely response? "lets be the bobsy twins and dress alike on wednesday and act surprised." so right then and there, we planned the outfit, down to the backpack colors and type of shoe. hahaha! it felt like elementary school again. even reminded me of this time that joann and i were trying to get back at a boy (trever) for liking the two of us at the same time. so we opted to wear dresses and ignore the crap out of him...

my arms are so tired, they might fall off. i am so tired, might i fall too?

Saturday, February 21, 2004

and i swear on my mother and father it feels like...

this past week definately wore me out. for interesting reasons, i went to sleep after 3 several times. exhausted body --> lots and lots of sleep when there is free time. so, i slept in until 1215PM. ahh! scary. then i played around with my catten tina and had my first meal. then i took off to go somewhere i have not been in months: the buena park library. of course, the second i finally stepped outside of my house, it started to rain. ay ya! when i arrived safely, i searched for books that i wanted to read and books that wanted me to read them. luck in the books-i-wanted-to-read category. but i found this book of poetry by teenage girls and one by pablo neruda. and i sat in the stacks reading what girls age 14-17 think.

strangely enough, a lot of what they were saying paralleled issues that i still grapple with. but they did a good job expressing themselves. and im glad that there is such an outlet for them. of course, their poems inspired me to write. and i even checked out a book on poetry: have you heard of nikki giovanni? me neither, until i came across her name in one of the young girl's poems. so i said, "why not?"

speaking of books, last night i started "the five people you meet in heaven." it isnt that beautifully written; maybe im biased because of what people told me in mexico. but the concept is interesting: when you go to heaven, you dont just get to chill; you learn about what your life meant through a series of five people. wow. and knowing those five lessons allows you to finally be at peace. ::sigh::

i took a nap at 6pm. and now desire to go back to sleep. hehehe! its so dark. and my body is still so exhausted. but i should study. what's the chance i will?

Friday, February 20, 2004

i know we swore it was forever but it hurts too much to stay around

something happened. and i cant explain it. this morning i woke up and couldnt go back to sleep, so i called zerlina and thien. and after talking to zerlina, i felt ready to smile and enjoy my life through the tear stained cheeks. but i cant hold up for that long without any strength beneath the surface.

when i am in a state of depletion after feeling a certain emotion, i cannot connect to other people. mostly because i will end up becoming emotional and by that point, i just dont want to do it anymore. at least thats what happened today. i could feel the void between me and other people but i couldnt do anything to bridge it. i came home and just didnt talk to my parents; i just wanted to hide away in my room. could this mean that i feel ashamed of something? but i held my catten, and she made me feel better. yay! she wont say things to make me feel worse. and holding her feels like im being held. i dont know how.

i wanted to buy coldplay's "parachutes" but i realized i cant be spending money on things i just dont need. especially because my bank account is depleting rapidly.

i should sleep because i didnt sleep well this past week.

and i wanna wake up with the rain falling on a tin roof, while im safe their in your arms

i cant help but be a sentimental fool. one who gets wrapped up in a romantic comedy as if im one of the characters. someone who hears a beautiful song like "come away with me" and then gets caught up in her fluttering dreams. i love feeling like things matter, like there is meaning. and i usually feel that when im emotionally connected to something or someone. significance. sentimental value. it doesnt get any better than that for me...

like having conversations with someone who i usually just hang out with. because on top of meaning, i love knowing that im growing. that something im apart of is growing. like a friendship. ::sigh::

today i received a wonderful surprise in the mail. although i was fearful that it was a bomb, it turned out to be cashew roca. it really made me feel lucky. it really made me feel grateful...

i just typed that and all of a sudden, i feel like crap. why? i can be so easily affected by other people. and im just so mad, so upset that im just crying furiously. i hope i forget people sooner than later. people who shouldnt be in my life. people who make me feel bad. why dont i tell them?

its so funny because in psych, we've been talking about self control and self regulation. then today, we talked about it in close relationships. and we talked about accomodating. and how someone who accomodates responds in a constructive way. but i just got the opposite. i thought i was joking around. but apparently, the other person wasnt and they got alll upset with me. and i am just so mad. you know? like what did i do? like this person has never done that to me before? im just sooo mad.

Monday, February 16, 2004

here i go falling in love again

there is this 29:51 minute medley that i have been listening to since saturday and it makes me so appreciative of the 90s. geez louise, it is some good crap, if crap can be good.

i know that my writing has once again turned out to be the same old drab attempt at being artsy. however, i realize that this is not working and i truly have no way to improve. i am writing in a kind of journal and there is not much for me to do. especially if i cannot find meaning in the events that occur in my own existence. i can hardly be happy with where i am in life, although my mother seems to think otherwise.

"look at all that you have: a nice home, food to eat, a car to drive, a computer. why aren't you happy?"

well if i was equating my happiness with the possession of material goods, i should be happy. agreed. but that's not what will make me happy. [shakes head]

i could die happy in the middle of an involved conversation with someone who is involved right back at me. i could die happy if i was sleeping. i could die if i was laughing endlessly about ugly shoe-like SUVs or my dad saying that he needs to get breast implants. there are few things in life that make me happy, but its not because im greedy, even if i can be. its because i am happy with the intangibles of life and those arent that easy to come by.

tomorrow, i would like to try to be happy where im at. but knowing me, i will not and just continue to float along in my muddy waters.

but i was happy this past weekend. so much so that when i returned back to school and the grinding workload, my happiness imploded and destroyed that which had been incubated inside of me.

speaking of implosions, valentines day was like any other weekend. but that doesnt mean that it was bad. in fact, it was great. i enjoy my valentine's company. and we sat in my car discussing wealth and status and the best place to live in the country. you cant have those conversations with just anyone and get that amazing feeling that youve both come along so far.

remember how i used to be mushy? ive really cut back on that... or have i? muhaha...

my one heart does beat for you

Friday, February 06, 2004

all i want to do is be more like me and be less like you

i continue to be slapped with shame. ah, how unproductive it is. it only makes me feel worse about myself. it only drives me towards resentment. its not making me want to change. its not going to make me apologize.

so why am i so selfish? why cant i just follow the rules? why cant i follow my rules? im just tired of the same crap. why do i have to be the one to bear the butt of all this? what do my parents expect from me? why do i have to feel like the one who causes the "sickness" to get worse? why do i have to be the one who is home?

"Walk along with me. The best in life, is yet to be." - Robert Browning

Thursday, February 05, 2004

At some point, in the silences, I heard you.

"Ben tells Sean he wants to forgive Felicity, but he doesn't know how. Later, in his room, Ben reads Felicity's letter. She says she dreamt once that she lost him. They were on icebergs. She can't remember if he was floating away from her or if she was floating away from him. She remembers waking up beside him. It was the middle of the night and it was raining - like tonight and she heard his breathing calming her. It was like they could speak without words. She wondered how and when they learned it - this secret language. She only knows that some point in the silences she heard him. And now she's left with words - these useless words? when all she wants is to be beside him again - to make him feel safe - to help him sleep - to bring him back to her. "

Wednesday, February 04, 2004

i was so happy, what happened?

human emotions are so strange. the fabric that differentiates us from other species is so fleeting. what's so good about being human? its like what alejandro gonzales inarritu believes. humans have a caribbean complex. in the morning, we're sunny. in the afternoon, we experience a heavy shower. then in the evening, we clear up. we can never be fully happy or fully sad. and from moment to moment, we are changing. at least if you allow your emotions to surface, unlike those stoic, emotionally-repressed individuals who have somehow managed to forget to utter a sign of feeling.

yes, joann is right. receiving emails from close friends is quite lovely. especially if youve been waiting for months to hear from them. or if you receive 4 lovely electronic letters.

its also lovely to stumble upon a treasure of beautiful melodies and voices. i speak of norah jones' new album, before its released. its quite beautiful. yay!

im going to go slave away now.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

imagine me and you, i do

what i learned this weekend:
  • even when i act crazy and unintelligible, the people who love me still love me.
  • not getting enough sleep isnt a concern when i wake up in the morning feeling happy.
  • people who you put on your blacklist (that didn't know you put them on the list) can come off of it if youre both open.
  • singng for three hours straight is exhausting.
  • serenading is fun.
  • dont freak out when someone comes home late.

    wow, being emotionally imbalanced is demanding. please dont shoot me. its not my fault. its sooo hard to control.

    here's a sweet song. it reminds me of my friend lexi because she used to say that the first guy to sing it to her would be her husband. but then a bum sang it to her on the street. so she gave up.

    happy together
    the turtles

    imagine me and you, i do
    i think about you day and night, its only right
    to think about the girl you love and hold her tight
    so happy together...

    i cant see me loving nobody but you for all of my life
    when you're with me, baby, the skies will be blue for all my life

    me and you and you and me
    no matter how they tossed the dice
    it had to be
    the only one for me is you and you for me
    so happy together