here i go falling in love again

there is this 29:51 minute medley that i have been listening to since saturday and it makes me so appreciative of the 90s. geez louise, it is some good crap, if crap can be good.

i know that my writing has once again turned out to be the same old drab attempt at being artsy. however, i realize that this is not working and i truly have no way to improve. i am writing in a kind of journal and there is not much for me to do. especially if i cannot find meaning in the events that occur in my own existence. i can hardly be happy with where i am in life, although my mother seems to think otherwise.

"look at all that you have: a nice home, food to eat, a car to drive, a computer. why aren't you happy?"

well if i was equating my happiness with the possession of material goods, i should be happy. agreed. but that's not what will make me happy. [shakes head]

i could die happy in the middle of an involved conversation with someone who is involved right back at me. i could die happy if i was sleeping. i could die if i was laughing endlessly about ugly shoe-like SUVs or my dad saying that he needs to get breast implants. there are few things in life that make me happy, but its not because im greedy, even if i can be. its because i am happy with the intangibles of life and those arent that easy to come by.

tomorrow, i would like to try to be happy where im at. but knowing me, i will not and just continue to float along in my muddy waters.

but i was happy this past weekend. so much so that when i returned back to school and the grinding workload, my happiness imploded and destroyed that which had been incubated inside of me.

speaking of implosions, valentines day was like any other weekend. but that doesnt mean that it was bad. in fact, it was great. i enjoy my valentine's company. and we sat in my car discussing wealth and status and the best place to live in the country. you cant have those conversations with just anyone and get that amazing feeling that youve both come along so far.

remember how i used to be mushy? ive really cut back on that... or have i? muhaha...

my one heart does beat for you