new years was thursday, but it surprises me because it feels like ages ago.

if i was truly vietnamese, i would be quite worried about the outlook of this year: these past days of the new year have been sketchy and anything but good.i dont like being unprepared for class, but i definately was for my first psych class of the new year. and i wasnt feeling too good after class, so i sat alone for lunch. physics came and brought out a rather upset professor because we moved the speed of light equipment. and it was somewhere amidst our experiment that i had the thought, this is gonna be a crappy year. so i proceeded to prepare to go home and prepare for my PE class. i actually had a good time working out with my buddy, so much so that i had dinner and forgot to let my family know that i wasnt going to have dinner with them. so i made them wait and they, in turn, made me feel guilty.

after being on campus for the 17 hours in between new years morning, and new years evening, i forgot that it was new years. being at school really makes you forget about all that is going on in the world outside of soka. besides being a big bubble, there was no celebration and little knowledge of the actual holiday. i guess thats the fault of me and the other celebrater's of chinese new years. so i partially forgot to call home because i forgot that it was a big day. i cant believe it.

now on to the underlying topic at hand.

although i never noticed it before, i am having a difficult time readjusting to academic life and family life here. it didnt dawn on me until today. but like ive pointed out, its not like me to not do all my reading for a class or to completely reject going out with my family. but i bet it has to do with the freedom i had when i was in mexico. i got so accustomed to making my own decisions about what i wanted to do for my days that when i returned to live under the roof of my overbearing parents, i forgot how many restrictions were placed on me. also, being away from rigorous studies, i dont remember how its possible to read pages and pages for each of my four classes in one weekend. especially, if i want to have a life.

which brings me to my next point. im noticing how my parents treat me and i dont think it will ever help me in my quest to define me. they use guilt and shame to try and get me to behave a certain way. they pamper me and provide me with all the material things i need and more, but because of that, they feel they can control and dictate every other aspect of my life.

so i come to my final point of the evening. i think i need to get away from the roof of my parents. in the long term and maybe even the short term. but the short term is problematic because if i dont go home, id have to stay at school. but if i stay at school, i know i wont be happy either. because being at school will only bring out my need to study. so i dont have anywhere else to go. unless i went to sd to butt into dk's life. id want to hang out with mn but that is where this whole thing started, so for now, that is not a good choice. not until the fires settle down. but in the long term, im thinking returning to mexico for some time, which makes me a little antsy. i wonder if i can spend a bit of time living in the bay area or portland, but i dont know where i would start if i did. what would i do there?

my mom said to me, "if you wished me happiness for the new year, you shouldn't have done that things. so you shouldn't have even wished me happiness for the new year. finally, if you want to be happy, then you're going to lose me." biting, stinging words.

my dad said to me, "when you graduate, move far and away and live your own life. maybe go to mexico. your mom and i are the way we are and we just cant live together." stinging, honest words.

the way to salvation is the truth.