im sliding on the rainbows of my childhood dreams

so many words that have gone unsaid, so many thoughts that have been silenced by my own insecurity and politeness. inside, an abyss of undelivered speeches and conversations collide violently against walls of sensitive cells and emotions. what results is a chaotic jungle of overactive defense mechanisms and resentment, a life unfulfilled and stifled.

last night, i couldnt fall asleep, upset at the way things were left between my mother and i after another one of my late nights. so i turned on my light and scribbled in my english journal, sketching out all of the things i wish i could say to my mother. ive never thought to do something like that before, but several vast pools existed for me to pull my words from.

just because i leave you behind doesnt mean that i dont love you...i know you want me to be happy but not allowing me to do what makes me happy will ultimately make both of us unhappy...i feel the onset of my wings; dont stop me from flying, mom...

writing that kind of thing reminded me of the monologues that i used to write in english classes in high school. and i couldnt stop at my mother. i went on to write out all the things i wish i could say to my boyfriend. somehow, im not emotionally comfortable with him. therefore, it is difficult for me to say much with substance to him.

how come your voice drops to a joker tone whenever we are together talking...is it a sign of comfort...is it discomfort... i have trouble expressing my feelings to you and as i have noticed, you do too... i appreciate how i can just be whatever i feel like around you, but sometimes, by my own tone, im not really me...if you dont think about why you do like me, do you ever think of why you would not like me? would you ever recognize when you wouldnt...were we always in trouble?

i guess its luck but its the same.

no me ames