Monday, September 30, 2002

Maybe one day, I will not cry when I listen to Separation.

"If staying together limits our potential to grow, then why did we ever get together in the first place?"

If you are interested in dating bucaloyol or myself, you must first talk to our people and take all the required tests. We do not want another failed relationship, with all the confusion and strings and pain and the loss.

For now, I will be content with my shopping bag book cover for Psychology and the prospects of letter writing my happy people persons. There is not much else. Oh, and emailing Twofoldway. I look forward to you all.

PS: For those of your interested in the ongoing UG and Uyen saga, he called me last night when I was working on my essay with other friends. So I signed online and talked to him there. I did not feel happy talking to him. Although he just filled me in on what has been going on with him and his family, I could not feel happy talking to him. Perhaps it is because we are unstable now. Too much movement. Too much vagueness.

Thursday, September 26, 2002

Wait. Somehow, from 7pm till now, I managed to feel better. I have no idea how. It is so refreshing. Maybe it's something about the beauty of Fridays that gives me sanity and comfort at heart. Maybe. I hope. But also, I think it has to do with talking to people who have managed to make you happy in the past. Those rare gems that light up your heart just with a thought or conversation. Wow! Sometimes you just have to hold on to the things that make you happy because when you feel crapped up, you could remember the thing and bring it back to you. Tap into its joy...Maybe.

I wish you all the happiness you can scrounge...and more! I hope you don't feel the way I have been. I hope you can feel more like the way I feel now! Good night. And may the angels cradle you to sleep.

Please strangle me.

Oh and have a nice day.

Saturday, September 21, 2002

Family is so vital to me because the members of my family provide stability. No matter what, they are still my father, my mother, or my brother. They don't change. And no matter what happens, they will always be my brother. They are never my ex-brother or former father. That stability, that timeless ness assures me that I'm not alone and I do not have to fear losing them because of something I say or something I do (not to extremes, of course!).

Thursday, September 19, 2002

Third day in a row that I feel down in the dumpers. But tonight my friends were there to keep me company and to help me feel like there were people there for me. I guess I've just been feeling lonely, even though I've been around people. I've just felt lonely amidst everyone.

But Leema was really supportive. Even though we don't know each other well and haven't ever really talked, she offered her company and her hugs. It was so nice of her!

And it's been hard to sleep. Like last night. I cried myself to sleep and listened to Norah Jones because I didn't want to be alone; I needed to hear someone's voice to feel less lonely.

So for now I shall bid you adieu. Good night.

Wednesday, September 18, 2002

I have to figure out if UG is worth it. But how would I go about doing that? It's not that I don't feel anything for him. I don't know if I handle all the ups and downs that go with floating in between titles. I don't know how to let go of the need for a title...Damm. Dammit. I see...I think fatalb cursed me. I've so been on the opposite side of this before. Does that mean that this time I'm clingy? And can't let go? Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. I totally had a different point to make, but I've lost it... Must learn. Must learn. I'm afraid that if I don't cultivate feelings, they will go away, even if they were strong. How do you determine if it's worth it? I can't do it rationally. That doesn't matter to me in the end...I need to study...read for classes...Why...Stop worrying, I said...Thanks, Shawn, for sitting with me at dinner...See? It's not that hard to talk to eddiec...wonder if he likes Saves the Day...Raymond and I are for sure going...wonder if anyone else wants to go...House of Blues, Anaheim...November 4...730pm...I don't feel like doing anything...I think I need some pushing to start my homework...did I get any exercise...I'm scared of Dr. Professor...He seems scary...Why is Chappell so great...don't be revengeful pilin...and of course, I'm listening to sad music...looking for patches allllll day...

AGH! I'm sick of the monotony. I'm out.

Tuesday, September 17, 2002

Last night, after I watched Monsters Inc. (Yes! I do have it!!!!), I wanted my own Kitty, some living entity that protected me, loved me, and enjoyed my company. Sighness. Whoever finally receives that title will be the person that I trust sooo much and enjoy being with and having fun with. Sigh. On that Boo and Kitty level, of course.

I had three classes today: Spanish 102, Sociology 100, and Psychology 100. Wow. Here I am. Not too exhausted. Just trying to figure out how to balance all the homework. Hmmm. Interesting. Must read and summarize Sociology. Must read Spanish. And must look at some Psychology. Yay! And tomorrow it's off to Spanish and Environmental Science. Wee-ness! Can you see the excitement? Good.

I'm getting tired. Must crunch. So that I may me ducho. Ahhhh! And eat dinner with friends...=)

Found a friend who was wearing this sweeeet The Get Up Kids shirt. Wow-ness! Then we talked about them, Saves the Day, Dashboard Confessional, and New Found Glory. Told him about the concerts and he totally wants to go!!! Mee too! Just have to figure out how!!! Awww.

I hope everything is well with you. Te extra├▒o. Espero que poder a hablar contigo pronto. Hasta luego!

Sunday, September 15, 2002

Gooey goodness. Confusion haunts me. But I think I am better at explaining that I am confused. Yikes.

Must still buy Environmental Science textbook. Yuck. There is this item of furniture that I wish to have. But I do not know when I can get it. Ahck. Must add items to my wish list. Before I forget. Gee, there weren't that many items. Did I forget something? Hehehe.

I hear rumors. That confuse me. But I try not to think of. It's really none of my concern. It has nothing to do with me. Why? Just because it doesn't.

My parents took me school for the first time in like nine months. It was fun. I drove up. My parents and I were listening to this Vietnamese radio program that was talking about the silliness of Vietnamese people arriving late to wedding receptions! Haha! Some people had some really great ideas. But I wasn't listening well. Probably cuz I didn't want to. But also because I was driving and extra care-full.

My mother says she doesn't have to worry much about me, except for me and my love life. Geez Louise! That's the only thing. Ay ya!

So my weekend is an extra day longer. That is cool. What to do? I think I'm going to get myself used to sleeping early and waking up early. Sounds like a super plan to take care of my health. I am excited. Classes start on Tuesday. Yay!!

So I think that the only reason why one of my friends is visiting me is because he doesn't want me to hate him for the rest of his life. Ahhhahahhaha! Funny. Funny.

I would be confused. But I'm trying not to worry about it. And the repercussions of my actions and words. However, I would like to admit that I am sure UG is not as simple as he thinks he is. In fact, you sure don't think he is, do you? Geez.

So I found out last week that one of my classmates didn't return this year, because he is taking a year off. And I freaked out! I remember seeing him on campus at the beginning of the year. And all the while that I thought he was just on a completely different schedule from me, he was really gone. Awww, I hope he comes back. My gege! Aww.

Must learn to play some song on the piano. Must ask my celloist friend. =)

Zer! Don't worry. It's coming. Thanks for the call! Good luck!!

Li! Don't worry! =) Must still read your horoscope! And hmm...I might have to ask you a favor! =)

Mr. Smart Cookie! Didn't think I knew, did you? Caught you red-handed! Hehehe, I wonder if Lawrence thinks..."we're busy. we'll talk to you later"...

Boop! I'm going to bounce for now! Take care. No status reports. They are tooo worrisome. Don't wanna be that! Too tired for it! =)

Saturday, September 14, 2002

"All I did was walk over
Start off by shaking your hands
That's how it went
I had a smile on my face and I sat up straight
Oh, yeah, yeah
I wanted to know you,
I wanted to show you.
You don't know me.
Don't ignore me.
You don't want me there
You just shut me out
You don't know me."

Funny how a song can capture your situation perfectly. However, this feeling of Unwanted-ness is no longer true for the situation at hand. Now there are "hola"s and "muy bien"s. Hahah, we square we didn't know each other's names. =)

What's the status? Tiredness. However less worry. Less stress. Less sadness. It's nice. Who needs to think all the time? Hah! It's highly overrated, that thinking and knowledge stuff. Hah!!

Thursday, September 12, 2002

Status report por el 12 de septiembre:

Last night I had this wonder-full walk with mis tres amigas. And it was magnificent. Such insight, such confidence, such truth. It was beautiful. The final spot for the four of us was my favorite spot! Yikes. So great! It felt like somewhere we could stay for hours on end, if other activities would have allowed for it.

Later, three of us went to the beach where there was more honest conversation. Times like those I cherish so dearly. So dearly. Thank you, Alli. Thank you, Elle. With a rad ride home, with Alli driving. =) Hehehehehe. I could fall asleep to her driving. I could.

Tomorrow is the last day of Spanish. Ah. Must study for the final. Ah. Too tired. Too lazy. No feel like it. Maybe go make something with Jessica's help. Sound good.

Thinking too much. Going to cut back. Worrying too much. Trying to cut back. And make words come out, yes. They must.

Tuesday, September 10, 2002

Status Report por el 10 de septiembre:

I have been having moments in the day where I miss him so badly. Sigh.

I am still full. Tummy hurts. I don't like facial hair. Or stub. Hah!!

Must sleep. Study too. Haha.

Sunday, September 08, 2002

Status Report por el 8 de septiembre;

We came to the conclusion that we should just be friends. We both agreed that friends do hang out, especially in safe places like in public. We both agreed that I am not high-maintenance. We both agreed that one day he needs to grow up. We both agreed that we are not ready to move on yet. We are both okay.

And I am okay. I've been preparing for this. And on Friday night, I had this realization: that it has been almost 2 months since UG and I removed any titles from our relationship. Now we are back to the tiele of friends. But that' s cool.

One day last Tuesday, UG and I were at IKEA. And we saw this couple leave the furniture pick up area, the husband pushing his wife who was in a wheelchair with their baby and the cart with the furniture. And he said, "That's love."

UG confessed to me last Sunday (09/01/02) that he owned so many dress clothes because of me. Because I had told him that I liked guys who dressed up and had that GQ look, he bought dress shirts and slacks. However, towards the middle of our relationship we became such home bums that we never went out so that we had to dress up. So I never really got to experience too much of his dressy-ness. =(

Last night, when UG and I were talking, I realized that things do not work out when one person tries their hardest to sympathesize and empathesize with the other, who does not try at all. That was how we were. And perhaps things were so rocky because our ways of thinking are different, highly affected by our definitions of ourselves. I had never thought about it, but UG brought up the fact that I am Americanized. He so is too, but he still has many Vietnamese ways of thinking, being that he grew up there for like 8 or 9 years of his life.

Sigh. Me, the Asian American twinkie who can never be white enough to be American but who can never be yellow enough to be Vietnamese. I don't fit into either one of those categories. And those categories of people may never accept me. Perhaps I can only find acceptance from those who are stuck right in the middle with me.

Wednesday, September 04, 2002

He's not my first crush. He's much more than that. But how do you just tell someone something so crazy? How does someone take that? Maybe it's a psychological way of seeing whether or not I care. I do. And I will.

Yo tengo sueno. Estoy muy cansada. Adios! Buenas noches! Y yo espero que te sientes mejor que yo.

Tuesday, September 03, 2002

Status Report for 3 de septiembre:

I am okay. I think I'm finally able to accept the fact that I have to take certain aspects of my life one day at a time. And that aspect that concerns UG is one of those.

Fortunately, I did get to have somewhat of a Labor Day weekend, at least in the aspect that I wasn't studying on Monday. Heheh. Not necessarily a good thing but still nice.

I'm beginning to get back the sleep that I missed on Sunday night. Geez. That was too crazy. Even for me. I just couldn't sleep. Non-sleeping energy and bad weather.

I need to study tonight por mi examen manana. Tambien, yo necesito trabajar en mi presentacion.

I suppose that my "losing faith in everything" spell has gone dry. I'm not that hopeless anymore. Saturday was just a baaaad night. Especially since it was very emotionally turbulent. That is what really makes a bad day for me.

Me duele la cabeza. Ay.

They are going to Scotland. And they are soooo excited!!! =) They are trying to convince me to go. Hmm...