Tuesday, October 29, 2002

Little things bring me pleasures these days. Especially because I am easily stressed and saddened and upset. They sneak up on me and pleasantly elicit a squeal or smile. It is much appreciated.

I am getting better at discussing things that bother me. That I think. That are in my mind. I understand that they are not all valid. But I still need to expel them from my system. I need to be more accepting of criticism though.

I have been slacking with taking care of my health. I hope it comes back soon. Water is vital. Sleep is necessary. A good diet shall strengthen my days. Exercise enhances. I have this pain under my arm. I hope it is nothing serious. I hope it will go away.

One day, when something puts me into perspective, I will realize that living is all that matters. Not the bills. Not the tests. Not the fear. But the purity of life and appreciating each moment does. I hope it comes.

To the Ticos, I hope I learn something from you soon.

Your love is better than ice cream.

Good night.

PS: At my photo intern meeting, a random thought struck me: I can accomplish great things.

Sunday, October 27, 2002

"My mom is more attached to you."
"Are you more attached to me? It doesn't really matter to me if she is if you aren't."

I hope someone teaches me how to watch baseball.

Christmas time...nostagia.

Everytime I drive past by the 405S as it turns into the 5S, I get nostalic too.

Just coming to terms with how to be okay. Distinctions seem to ruffle up obligations and muddle the air of feelings. However, without them, each misunderstanding is such a challenge, so confusing, and such a big deal. It is hard to know how to respond to them without definitions.

My mom said the saddest thing to me tonight: "Try to be happy." She told my brother that I am going through a lot of hard times. Oh, and she said, "What month is it? You have so much to deal with." She's superstitious by the way.

My parents both told me to have fun before I left them. I said to them, I have to study first. That was strange. Coming from me. But midterms will do that to you. And they are all coming this week.

You will always be the only one.

Friday, October 25, 2002

Why does it feel like I do not love anymore?

Tuesday, October 22, 2002

...La da da dee da...What a way to be...
"You wanna know who I really am"...
...Open your heart to me...I will not hurt it...I hope...
...Did I ever tell you I am a serious person...especially when people who should know how to pronounce my name purposely screw it up...just thought you would like to know...
...Midterms are a-coming...I have one on Thursday for sociology...one next Tuesday for Psychology...and a presentation on groupthink for Psychology...
...he said I should be proud of myself...why...how does he know...and for what should I be proud...
...It is so hard to hear others de-value themselves...but why is it so easy to de-value yourself...
...must stay focused...must stay on track...must condition myself to write more and accomplish my heart's desires...
...I do not want to end up wishing that I had done what I had wanted to do...
...Please spare me the thought of peeling off someone's skin...I would rather not think it...

Sunday, October 20, 2002

I fear that it isn't going to work. That all the signs of the recent past point to that. And it makes me so sad. Because I can't imagine my life without it. I don't want to. But maybe I have to. I am mad at myself for saying something that I shouldn't have, if that I truly believe things aren't going to work out. What I said will only keep the ties together and stronger. Why do I not have faith? Maybe I've lost it all. What's left to hope for? Why can't things go on being the way they are? Because if they do, I'm only going to remain trapped in these thoughts. I think I need to move on. Walk along the path, without obstructions. Figure out what I want from life. From others. From myself. By myself, without company.

He broke my clip. He said, "I break everything of yours. Maybe even your heart..." Sigh. Maybe he does...

Friday, October 18, 2002

It is pathetic. I have nothing to write about anymore. Sadness. The content drains.

School is complicated. So many misunderstandings. So many stepping stones to cross. Where do we go from here? How can we all move ahead together, walking side by side? And were we ever to begin with? What shall happen to the one who spoke his mind? What will be off the proposal? Who will help to mend the wounds left by paper ideas?

It hurts when they hurt. The people who make you smile and feel good.

Cuz he's in love. Are you kiddies sure? That is so random? Since when? Does that mean I have to do something about it?

How can I possibly miss Dashboard? AhHHHhhHHhH! Because it is on a school night and I have class early in the morning and another concert to go to after that and I am on a budget. PSH! Wah!

I am beginning to fall off my emotional fence. Must go to sleep to curb extremities and poles. Good night.

Tuesday, October 15, 2002

Sometimes, I feel like I allow myself to get taken advantage of. I feel like I allow people to trample over me and my wishes. Take UG.

What I want is to be with him...well, I used to think that. But what happens instead? We are weird friends. Am I just allowing myself to be fooled by whatever I feel for him to control the situation at hand? Gee.

I wanted to write. But apparently I do not want to anymore. Not because of the subject. But just because I have suddenly become very tired. My eyes are quite heavy. But I cannot sleep now.

Everything in moderation. It is all about balance. There is no happiness. There is no sadness. When everything is balanced, everything just feels the same. And for now that is what I need. For now, that can get me through the life I live today.

What happens when a heart so hurt locks itself up and never allows anyone new to come in?

I think the reason why UG feels like we should give ourselves time to experience other things in life is more or less for me than it is for him. It just seems like he knows what he wants. But I do not think he thinks I know what I want, since I have been in several relationships. So this is a buffer zone. Only, I am still too attached to him to be able to be with other guys. I still feel too much for him.

Writing just takes the pain out of my head. I transfer the hurt that my thoughts cause me to this blog or to paper, and the pain is alleviated. Not gone. But I begin to face the problem and it lightens the load. How true these age old saying are. But how hard they all are to follow.

Given the fact that substance has left me, I shall attempt to fill this pool with whatever is left in me. Please forgive me, for my coping with life is more passive and quiet than other tactics. I bid you adieu and wish that all the stars are shining down on you to light these very dark nights.

I realized that I really like Mentadent toothpaste. And sadly that places me in a sad predicament that circles me constantly through a cycle of non-moving on. But maybe that is what I need at this point in my life. I am not ready to move on yet. And neither is he. Maybe that's how it's supposed to be now.

I spent almost 5 hours online today: 2 for environmental and 3 for my blogspot. Oh my gouda! So long. But I am happy with the results. Now I can finally just make postings. =)

I met Thien's girlfriend and she is nice. I like her. She is camera-y! And brings out this energy in him. This strength. And courage. Significant others can do that to you.

UG's going to cook for me. Oh my gouda!

I must get myself to sleep now. The times call me. And I will be good. Since I haven't been good all day.

Monday, October 14, 2002

And in this moment, I am happy. I wish you were here.

"When we turn out the lights,
The two of us alone together
Something's just not right
But girl you know that I would
Never ever let another's touch
Come between the two of us
Cuz no one else will ever take your place

No one else comes close to you
No one makes me feel the way you do
You're so special, girl, to me
And you'll always be eternally
Everytime I hold you near
You always say the words I love to hear
Girl, with just a touch
You can do so much
No one else comes close

And when I wake up to
The touch of your head on my shoulder
You're my dream come true
Oh girl you know I'll always treasure
Every kiss and every day
I love you girl in every way
And I always will cuz in my eyes

No one else comes close to you."

Estoy aquƭ queriƩndote.

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

Wow. You do not know how much I have missed writing. But as the exam calls me to study more material, I can only include the following.

Tender Scrawls
9 October 2002

Somewhere between evening and morning,
my world turned inside out,
outside in,
And back to vague.

where I lost his smile and his safe
embrace hurt most.
when I forgot her heart and our warm
memories to hurt less.

where I reached out to him and found
rubber bands holding us together
sweetly, I smiled.
when I realized their energy and held
on tightly to the happiness
readily, I rejoiced.

She gave me reason to worry but strength to move ahead.
He taught me words that showed me a new world.
They stayed with me and never let me cover up.
He gave me his shoulder and permission to be.
She talked when I shut up and enriched my space.
He decided to come back.

All the while, they fell into the shadows of my life.

And now as the glory of the morning
stumbles upon me,
I look at this world straight in the eyes
And try to live through another day.

Thursday, October 03, 2002

I knew the happiness I was feeling was temporary. Because, now I am back to the exact way I was before Tuesday night. Sad and reflective, picking angrily at the parts that already hurt so much but unable to stop because of how it lingers in my mind. Why is that?

The intense and crucial lesson of the year continues to slap me in the face. "Love is not enough." So many other factors go into to making relationships work, and I am not just talking about romantic relationships. Just any relationship. At all. You may like them, but that is not enough to make you the two best friends in the world or the happiest mother and daughter pair that exists.

It is the same old song. That repeats over and over. Nothing is ever enough. So is it possible to be happy? Maybe life is not about finding ways to achieve happiness. Life must be about finding a way to get by day by day, with enough good and bad to balance out one's sanity.

Happy endings? Abstract. Thoughts. That. Do. Not. Exist. In. The. Real. World. Happiness? Even. Worse.

Supervivencia diaria. That is all life can be.

Wednesday, October 02, 2002

"The make-up's all off
Who am I?"

Greetings from Psych central. This is your host, Dr. Nguyen, here to remind you that psychologists are not only the therapists that talk to patients who are lying down on sofas. They are also research psychologists, psychoanalysts, and psychiatrists, who work on extensive studies to find reasons for psychological disorders and behaviors.

"Don't let it go away, this feeling has got to stay.
And I can't believe I've had this chance now.
Why am I so curious?"

Need adequate sleep.

Tuesday, October 01, 2002

The UG Story? Dear oh dear, it continues.

So I go online after I finish my sociology homework to look for my group. And who comes on but the UG that called me while I was working on my essay. So I IM him to apologize for not calling back (I tend to apologize too much). So, he is hostile towards me, because he is realizing that things are not the same anymore and I have been unable to be there. So I ask him how he is and he said that he could be better, but he does not care anymore. And although I am curious, I do not push him. Time passes. And I ask him if he is mad at me; I felt like he was. So he said, "Ionno. Maybe I'm mad at myself for being mad at you." So I linger. I do not know why. We do not really talk though. When I think of leaving because it feels pointless, he leaves. Then I leave and cry myself to sleep. By then it is 2am. I had class at 830.

Sigh. Time for more class.