Friday, March 26, 2004

stuffy, aching, runny nose... its the flu blues

dating has been on a lot of people's minds lately: my writing professor, my rhc, my friends in general. it is interesting how somehow, whoever im with, we end up talking about significant others or just dating in general. funny stuff.

i had a dream about my program coordinator. it was nice to see her. we were in mexico but at a strangely vietnamese temple. she was helping me find out registration information. tina was there. that was cute. and strange.

yay, i have a pink cap! yay!

Tuesday, March 23, 2004

blog karma

today is just about a bunch of junk. thats how i felt. why not write like it? i dont usually write horribly long sentences but today i will try even if it means being unnatural, a state that comes and goes every so often, even if i dont recognize it or care to notice its existence in my daily life amidst the boring and the dull things that surround my senses to lead to the imprisonment of ideals and form. when i was a kid, i use to have to sleep with someone in the room, particularly my mom. i think it had to do with habit and dependency. but we change our attachment figures as we grow up. so even though i can sleep by myself in normal circumstances, i would not be able to sleep well if i was in a strange and scary environment. it all just depends. its all so relative. just like the general theory of relativity. but what about string theory? brane theory? m theory? which one will prevail next? we wont know until someone can muster up some evidence.

today the birds cant use the cheap nose piled high in the sky. will you come over, eat cheese next to the mirrored wall of buy me a new sofa? silly i cant be your best friend in time of new hills.

i like to go to the grocery store at 11pm. run errands. feel like im doing something productive. i like to share in little joke sessions that lead to comfortable laughing. i like being touched to bridge the mental and emotional distance. i like waking up to a cup of water on the bedside table. i like to stretch in the morning after i wake up. i like to finish my homework early so that i can write. i like others to IM me first because i always feel like i interrupt people when i go first. just like when im on the phone. i like wearing the proper outerware for any given day. i like to share hugs with friends who arent feeling well. i like to surprise people. i like to leave random notes telling people how i appreciate them, whether electronic or physical. i like to eat potatoes, like when i used to eat mashed potatoes for breakfast in 8th grade with soy sauce. i like to walk around campus with friends so i dont feel so lonely. i like to receive emails from friends saying, "where have you been?" and i like laying down next to a beating heart that reminds me that i am alive and blessed.

Sunday, March 14, 2004

dont play with me, don't play me

besides all the silly work i have to do, my cracked laptop, and my desire to run around with my friends here, i am happy that i get to go to rhode island for spring break. and although i am like ellie and my body gets cold in 70 degree weather, i am looking forward to snow, real snow. yay! who would of thunk it...

to go back into time

somehow, time has passed by without my recognizing it. my friends and i have all grown up and are still continuing the process. and i never realized it. not until sharing stories with friends' experiences. and comparing myself to others, i dont feel like much has happened. maybe thats because i always felt more mature than my friends. maybe its because i havent really grown up in my sheltered bubbles.

what has happened to us all?

what goes around, comes around, what goes up must come down

Monday, March 08, 2004

heaven, im in heaven...

this morning, i found myself travelling back in time. back to a time of innocent junior high school dances where the girls danced and the boys stood, leaning against the walls of the gym. i also travelled back to a time of goodbyes and fresh starts, of signing yearbooks and wishing people good luck with their future endeavors. it was incredible how i could feel exactly the way i did when i was living those moments. and how all the faces that meant something in those times stood out and smiled at me.

how did i time travel without increasing my velocity to the universal constant of light? how did i move backwards in time without the car of the past?

easy, silly, i listened to music.

keith sweat asked kut klose to help him sing it and his annoying whine faded out with the soft melody of the trio's voices. and it took me back to my 8th grade year, when the djs always played that silly song at dances. not to mention keith sweat's more annoying release that year: "nobody." i remember dancing with someone to that song, maybe scotty? hehe...that was a looooong time ago. an extremely long time ago. nevertheless, it was odd and refreshing to go back.

then, the guitar riff sounded and billy joe stopped. then he repeated it. then he said "f*ck." then i was back to senior year of high school, sitting in the gym the morning of senior day. as the senior "video" played, i heard the songs that made me grateful for the memories and the chance to leave my crappy high school behind. then i was suddenly sitting at the bowling alley, with jenny, signing away my thoughts and feelings to yearbooks instead of bowling. i dont think i held a single bowling ball in my hands. the weight of the yearbooks doubled an 8-pound ball, im sure...then i was at espn zone, sitting on the cold tile floors in my "dunk" pajamas and save ferris shirt, singing way to "good riddance (time of your life)" while ug said "i cant believe its over." wow, senior year... big year. big events. big hearts. big changes.

ah, ive carried on too long. long live the sweet recurrence of memories and friendship. sunshine is nice, but not when your skin becomes more shrivelled up than the skin on potato wedges.

when i am down and i am blue, all i have to do is close my eyes and think of you...and the world is new!

Monday, March 01, 2004

a useless defense against destiny

i cannot stop the gradual passage of time. nor can i eliminate an aging body. that destiny is out of my control.

but what power do i have over my choices and what paths i take in life? can all my random thoughts be a part of some written story of my life? and what is the point of having such stories if they are unpublished for whom the story is written about? i am refusing to believe that i have no say in what happens to me and what i do. i refuse. because if i just let things happen to me and ride the tides of fate, i wouldnt end up exactly where i would end up had i made conscious decisions.

as my advisor told me, the onset of new ideas breeds doubt, which is the opposite of faith. why do you think the church censured information and knowledge to be in accordance with its arbitrary rules? why do you think anyone withholds information from others?

never before have i been the kind of person who would not do what was expected of me. but things change. even if its something as small as a take-home exam that is due in two days. but i can tell you that it is helping me figure out what is important to me and what i like. maybe that should mean happiness.

from now until forever