Monday, May 31, 2004

say it aint soooo

maybe my black nails reflect more than just an impetuous desire to look "punk."

i squore i would try to be happy. i squore i felt happy. but my emotions are so off now that i cant begin to process whats going on inside me. all i know is that last night, i was awake at 4, very hungry, and i cleaned the house. and i square that i was not sleep walking. i was fully conscious. haha... so conscious that i read for my writing class until 430am. haha!

but i know its not just me reacting to something happening around to me. its not just me being the sad person i usually was. it really is something biological. i can feel it! my hormones are off or something! haha!

i wish i was asleep. i feel quite disoriented and weary.

im a barbie girl in a barbie world

Friday, May 28, 2004

i have my own life and im stronger than you know

so ever since ive been back home and settled in, ive been trying to clean out my room. i have so much stuff. so much junk. the pack rat that i am has managed to save the most trivial things to remind me of a person or a situation... today, while making space for a box in my closet, i came across a box full of letters and cards from junior high school and high school. it was a trip. at the day's end (with a 3 hour interval of driving to long beach and back), i felt like i was back in junior high and high school. all the kiddy drama and puppy love was temporarily my reality. reading old letters reminded me of how i used to care about the number of friends i had and kept close. but looking at all those letters, i can see why i dont talk to 3/4 of those people anymore. the things we used to write about at the age of 13-14 was shallow and superficial. and without much substance.

"hey, what's up? nothing much here. i was working on math homework but decided to write you. aren't i nice? anyways, sorry for taking sooooooo long. please forgive me! so, who do you like? do you think terry's cute? i like david but i could never have him. anyways, i have to go. write back asap!"

haha, needless to say, i threw away a lot of old letters and cards. hehe, maybe i thought that if i saved them, i would immortalize myself. but you know, those letters arent gonna do that for me, especially if they are outdated. haha...

"i hungee. gimme food."

someday, we'll be together.

Sunday, May 23, 2004

this is my sorry for 2004

i didnt realize until tonight how PA i am -- passive agressive. i tell people that i dont want them to do things for me but end up resenting that they didnt know that i wanted them to. ::sigh:: sheesh, i guess it seems so much easier to expect everyone close to me to understand me. haha, those expectations will get me everytime.

i like the bay area. it was nice being up there.

this weekend, i heard the story of how my nuclear family formed and came to the where it is now. powerful images. strong emotions. im glad i only heard the story.

princesses have more than 3 pillows, listen to music while showering, find more money when they feel theyve spend it all, and receive presents when no one else gets any.

maybe if i sleep, everything will be better.

your habits always get you in the end. why try?

damn, im sorry

Thursday, May 20, 2004

for the first time, it was truly difficult to part

it has been hard to depart and leave school behind in previous years, mostly because it was really hard to say good-bye to my roommate or suitie; they always saw me off. but this year, it was hard to leave the campus. i decided that it was denial, that somewhere deep down inside of me, i was fearing the departure because i knew that when i did return, it would be the end of an era: my senior year. but that is only partially the gist of it. there was a different person who saw me off this year: a workout friend who became a crony. she even wrote me a card. when i read it RIGHT before leaving sua, i got teary-eyed.

it is marvelous how the people who come into your life and signify so much really enter randomly. that you could have never planned becoming their friend or falling in love with them. you just stumble upon each other and discover how wonderful people can be in this messy frenzy of life.

while driving towards home, i thought of a wonderful two liner that i should definately adopt as another mantra: live in the world, not in your mind.

here's to a rocking summer!

Sunday, May 16, 2004

that's not lip service

last night, i went home after working on a group project for about 5 or 6 hours. i had dinner with my family and enjoyed a home cooked meal, one that did not feel oily and fatty and gross. then, my brother, his gf, and i went to starbucks. for the first time in yeeeeeeaaaaaars, i bought something. i dont know why. i got the passion herbal tea lemonade. but the strawberries and cream frap was tasty. just like the hard candy from hersheys.

anyways, when i returned home, i talked to my mom for a bit. she told me that she was looking through her old memo pads and came across some notes about me! hehe, it was the cutest thing. she was lying in my bed and told me that at 4 months, i turned over for the first time [then she proceeded to demonstrate]. how cute! and at 6 months, i got sick and did not eat anything for 2 weeks because my father had let me crawl about on the floor of an apartment that had just be fumigated. thanks, dad! lastly, at 13 months, my mom noted that i became extremely happy at hearing her sing. =) aw man, i knew that music was important to me but i did not know that it started when i was that young! hehe!

i broke into your heart last night

Friday, May 14, 2004

we're doing fine..we're doing nothing at all

some days i just feel more connected to the world and its people than other days. and i just want to reach out and hug everyone, even people i dont know well. hey, maybe even people i do not know. like the dave matthews band video "everyday." because we truly are interconnected; thats the only thing that can explain the "its a small world" thing we all experience when someone we know knows someone else we know without us ever introducing them.

and sometimes i write emails that start out sounding all functional, like "can i borrow such and such" only to side track into "you mean so much to me," leaving me in tears at the emotions that i have been holding in for so long. its my fault for not having said it when i felt it. but one has to be able to gauge the situation and determine whats appropriate.

it is truly amazing to witness the power of fellowship, of compassion, of empathy.

today, i want to live like someone who cares about this world and everyone in it.

i said, ive gotta be honest. ive been waiting for you all my life.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

aba gayle... what a funny name

i cant explain. i feel overwhelmed with compassion. my friend is going through crap and i feel so bad. but in a way, i can really relate. or imagine what it feels like. "breaking up is hard to do..."

what will it be like if and when i go through that again? i dont want to be so consumed that my life stops. i cant say what id do now, cuz i have no way of knowing that i will. life is too dynamic. i cant stop it from happening, even if i have these grand ideas and plans. i will need to rememeber that i have the right to pursue happiness. i have a right to life.

but at the same time, i dont want to shut out the opportunities. i dont want to hold myself back from fully experiencing something just because a fear of getting hurt. i dont want to just be in an ok relationship and not get hurt, rather than to be in a great relationship where i got hurt. what a difference a year makes...

so take care, friends. and enjoy life.

Saturday, May 08, 2004

its my life, dont you forget

mood: lethargic and eh =/

dont let your thoughts snowball into a huge disaster.

so i guess they are predicting a major earthquake to hit socal between now and september. time to prepare with lots of water and nonperishable foods. i guess id rather be safe than sorry for this instance. =/

what would happen if i could fly? walk on clouds? be so light and carefree that all the little things in life would not get to me? would i be lighter if i could let go of all these heavy doubts and worries about my life and the world? or should i take on more?

i am a seniorita, according to allison. haha!

someday we're gonna make it alright but not right now

Sunday, May 02, 2004

i found a reason to show a side of me you didnt know

mood: tired, sore, and hopeful

so ever since a fieldtrip i took to the university of san diego, where i met with the executive director of the institute of peace and social justice, ive been trying to keep up with internation news. its been healthy and important, especially because i have never followed up on the news. and in comparison to kttv los angeles news, it is a sigh of relieft not to listen to hollywood accounts of gangs or police corruption. it is nice to read a critical account of what is happening in the world.

im taking this conflict resolution class. it reminds me when i was training to be a conflict manager in junior high school and how we watched "fern gully." but it means more than ever did before. especially now that i am older and can appreciate the skills that we are being taught, now that i can apply it to life.

there are 5 styles in which people deal with conflict: accomodate, avoid, compromise, force, and collaborate. i tend to be an avoider or accomodater. before this class, i used to think that avoiding was a way to help the relationship because i wasnt going to hurt the other person's feelings. however, now i understand that avoiding hurts a relationship. because when you avoid or do nothing, you are still affecting the other person in a silent way. and that silence, as stephanieb explains it, is hell. in order to keep a relationship growing and evolving, it has to be in motion. however, avoidance debilitates a relationship. :sigh: must let go of these dramatized versions of how to deal.

so i may need to take field notes on your conflicts. i promise your privacy will be protected, as any good ethnographer would do. its just to see how people deal with conflict.

and the reason is you