Tuesday, July 30, 2002

Status Report for 30 July:

I had to face today with puffy eyes. I tried to cover it up with darker eye makeup. It may have worked.

It was a slow start. Some upsetness, some physical pain, some short tempers.

However, the day went well, considering the past couple of days. A stranger's fleeting smile helped me feel chipper. And that helped me enjoy a superific evening with Zerlina! The beach front is wonderfull, even if your arm is pulsating from that Hepatitis B shot [insert disapproving HMPH!]. Yay! And the venting I did was nice and controlled. I suppose the previous night's sitting up and crying myself to bed wore me out.

By the way, last night I thought about how my summer has been so rough and yucky, especially in comparison to what I wanted and expected. I know, it's my fault for expecting. Sheesh, I know. And I thought about how empty I've felt. And somehow, that made me cry and cry until I was just exhausted and had to fall asleep. Sigh!

That's all. Today was gooder. Yes. Gooder.

Monday, July 29, 2002

Status Report for 29 July:

After a day of on and off thoughts about the ness of being alone, I watched Amelie, a beautifully choreographed story of a young woman who drifts in and out of dreams of living and loving, with my brother and his girlfriend.

That completely and utterly changed the depths of that movie.

Do you know how painful it was to watch the scenes where Amelie met face to face with her dreams and reality? But with a wonderfully happy couple right next to me, sharing intimate moments of affection and tenderness? Something I never even had when I was with UG? The movie was so sad because of this sad kid.

And during a trip to the doctor's, my mother blamed my decreased weight and paleness in skin color on "love pains." Sigh. At least this ordeal is helping me lose weight.

I hurt right now. I miss him. And holding his hand. And sitting next to him. Even if there was space between us. I miss his company. And knowing, that out of all the people, he chose me. But sadly, I am the girl crying over him while he is out there. Not wanting to be with me. Not with me right this moment. When I wish I could be with him.

My carpet is wet from tears. I just stepped in them. I listen to my Separation I CD, which overpowers the already emotional state that my system is in and shakes its frailness to extreme.

But this time around, one week is nothing significant but the beginning. It is not the entire thing any longer. The bitterness of reality has set in upon this Amelie and nothing can be done. My pager is disconnected. I sit online while no one can see me (or should see me). I intend to stay locked up in this habitat of tears and despair for as long as possible (well, at least until tomorrow morning).

There is nothing that can be done. This moment that I sit in is one soaked in pain and consistently turned over and over until the moment tears apart from the oversaturation.

What am I talking about? I should stop. So you don't worry anymore.

Status Report for 28 July:

Today I was upset. It seems that UG's mom found out that we had broken up. And she wanted to talk to me. Because UG didn't tell his mom anything. However, I did not want to be the one delivering the news to her. So I did not call him. YET, he called me and told me that his mom wanted to talk to me. I refused. But he still gave the phone to her. Sigh. That made me very uneasy. I had to totally beat around the bush! Agh. And I didn't want to lie to his mom. I respect her and genuinely enjoy her company. But I didn't feel that it was my place to tell her what had happened. I especially didn't want to get emotional and therefore make UG out to be worse than he is, at least in my mind.

After I "talked" to UG's mom, UG and I were talking and I just started to feel bad. So I got off the phone. I don't know if not talking to him and blowing him off will make him realize what he let go of or if it just makes him think that I no longer care about him. Sigh.

Yesterday I was thinking and I miss talking to his mom.

I had to go driving to shake off my craze from being uneasy around his mom. I also had to spend money. Sigh, I shopped for my truck. More spending. Sigh.

I also had to cancel plans with my brother to watch a movie because his girlfriend Amy was coming along. And I didn't feel like being a third wheel to a couple. Sigh.

Sunday, July 28, 2002

Status Report for 26 July:

This was the hardest part : I used to be his "little angel" back in a time when things were new and fresh and it was us. But when we were in the middle of casual conversation, he called someone else that. That makes it a little hard to breathe every time I think about it. That's the hardest part of separating: having to get used to the fact that you are no longer that speshul someone.

My friend Jenny helped me to realize that he still cares. So it makes me feel less like TLC's I Miss You So much and the line, "why aren't you missing me?" That makes it hard. That thought. So thank goodness for Jenny!

I was quite busy with friends. But I still felt quite inclined to thinking about him and I couldn't help but feel sadness.

I was okay.

Status Report for July 27:

Today I was upset. Because when I told UG that I was going to go hang out with a friend, he got upset. And I felt bad. It just seemed like he thought I was moving on, which I'm not. It seemed like he interpreted it as a date, but it wasn't. And it made me really upset. I was mad and then unhappy. I don't want him to think I'm over it. I'm not. I'm still dealing. Even though some days it feels like I'm strong and well and overly fine.

Today was a harder day. Lots of moping. Lots of moving by slowly. Lots of non-action. And lots of sad thoughts. All that put together doesn't help situations out any.

Towards the end of the day, I just felt like crying. But nothing could come out. The only sounds I remember coming out of me were screams, of frustration and sadness.

Does this ever get better? Separations are tough. I better go listen to Separation I and Separation II. I hope they get my waterworks going. I need some beautiful release from this choked day. I need a good cry so hopefully I can feel better inside.

Sunday, July 21, 2002

That Particular Time
Alanis Morissette

my foundation was rocked my tried and true way to deal was to vanish
my departures were old I stood in the room shaking in my boots
at that particular time love had challenged me to stay
at that particular moment I knew not run away again
that particular month I was ready to investigate with you
at that particular time

we thought a break would be good for four months we sat and vacillated
we thought a small time apart would clear up the doubts that were abounding
at that particular time love encouraged me to wait
at that particular moment it helped me to be patient
that particular month we needed time to marinate in what "us" meant

I've always wanted for you what you've wanted for yourself
and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell
and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt
and in the meantime I lost myself
in the meantime I lost myself
I'm sorry I lost myself….i am

you knew you needed more time time spent alone with no distraction
you felt you needed to fly solo and high to define what you wanted
at that particular love encouraged me to leave
at that particular moment I knew staying with you meant deserting me
that particular month was harder than you'd believe but I still left
at that particular time