Status Report for 29 July:

After a day of on and off thoughts about the ness of being alone, I watched Amelie, a beautifully choreographed story of a young woman who drifts in and out of dreams of living and loving, with my brother and his girlfriend.

That completely and utterly changed the depths of that movie.

Do you know how painful it was to watch the scenes where Amelie met face to face with her dreams and reality? But with a wonderfully happy couple right next to me, sharing intimate moments of affection and tenderness? Something I never even had when I was with UG? The movie was so sad because of this sad kid.

And during a trip to the doctor's, my mother blamed my decreased weight and paleness in skin color on "love pains." Sigh. At least this ordeal is helping me lose weight.

I hurt right now. I miss him. And holding his hand. And sitting next to him. Even if there was space between us. I miss his company. And knowing, that out of all the people, he chose me. But sadly, I am the girl crying over him while he is out there. Not wanting to be with me. Not with me right this moment. When I wish I could be with him.

My carpet is wet from tears. I just stepped in them. I listen to my Separation I CD, which overpowers the already emotional state that my system is in and shakes its frailness to extreme.

But this time around, one week is nothing significant but the beginning. It is not the entire thing any longer. The bitterness of reality has set in upon this Amelie and nothing can be done. My pager is disconnected. I sit online while no one can see me (or should see me). I intend to stay locked up in this habitat of tears and despair for as long as possible (well, at least until tomorrow morning).

There is nothing that can be done. This moment that I sit in is one soaked in pain and consistently turned over and over until the moment tears apart from the oversaturation.

What am I talking about? I should stop. So you don't worry anymore.