Saturday, August 31, 2002

Status Report for 31 August:


One, I am fed up with UG. I don't think he needs my help. He shows me that. Fine. I am not going to help. I am mad.

Two, my parents have not been stable. In fact, they did not talk. And I didn't deal with it correctly. Now my pent up feelings are overflowing. And it came out through pain and tears, even though my parents are trying to make it better. The UG thing DID NOT HELP.

Three, I missed a Save Ferris concert that would have been super cool with Zerlina. I don't mind not going. But I am very upset if it is their last show. AGH!

Four, I needed to get out. Drive. Clear my mind. But when I got in my mom's car to go, I broke the rearview mirror off. Now I can't drive. AGH!!!!!!!!!

[screams of intense pain, straining the voice because of all the excess pain]

Freak. Death. Messed up. SOOOO NOT GOOD.

Dammit. Of course. It's life. That wonder-full, stupendous, beautiful, most elegant thing I live. Dammit.

Thursday, August 29, 2002

Things I'll Never Say
Avril Lavigne

I’m tugging at my hair
I’m pulling at my clothes
I’m trying to keep my cool
I know it shows
I’m staring at my feet
My checks are turning red
I’m searching for the words inside my head
I’m feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you’re worth it
You’re worth it.

If I could say what I want to say
I’d say I want to blow you away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say

It don’t do me any good
It’s just a waste of time
What use is it to you
What’s on my mind?
If ain’t coming out
We’re not going anywhere
So why can’t I just tell you that I care
(Cause) I’m feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you’re worth it
You’re worth it.

If I could say what I want to say
I’d say I want to blow you away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight?
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down
On one knee
Marry me today
Yes, I’m wishing my life away
With these things I’ll never say

What’s wrong with my tongue
These words keep slipping away
I stutter
I stumble
Like I’ve got nothing to say
Yes, I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
Cause I know you're worth it
You're worth it.

I've been waiting to find love since I was nine. When will I finally find it?

Wednesday, August 28, 2002

Status Report for 28 de agosto:

I am slowly getting by this day.

I went to the school bookstore today and while talking to one of the clerks, she asked me if I wanted to work in the stock room. And after she said that to me, I actually thought seriously about it. I wouldn't mind working at a book store. But I just worry about how much I can handle. I know how meticulous I am about my studies. So I would either fall behind with studies, put less effort into my studies, or find a good balance. Interesante.

I tried to confront the main source of my troubled mind. And this is how it went:
"Why are we taking a break?"
"I'm not ready."
"Why aren't you ready?"
"What do you mean why aren't you ready? That's like asking a kid why he's immature."

Hmm...after thinking about it for the past 15 hours, I think I should have asked
"What made you feel that you weren't ready?"

Sighness. I admit that I didn't go about the situation well. But I wasn't prepared. It was very spur of the moment. And I fall flat on my face when I try to go with the flow.

I want to ask
"Have I ever sent you mixed signals? If I have, do you remember any examples?"

I need to figure out how to communicate better. I am now aware of my tendencies in communication. But I do not know how to correct the bad traits. Also, I need to figure out what I want from everything in this world.

John says that I am lucky that I am surrounded by people who are so friendly and willing to befriend people. Hmm, he has a good point.

Sigh. I don't think my brother will be able to visit home this weekend. That is so sad. Boo hoo!!

My twinnie Minnie met my brother's mom last night! AHhhhhHHhahahhahahhahHhahhahahaahha!

I sit and await my friends to call.

Hasta luego. Espero te sientes mejor.

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

Status Report for 27 de agosto:

He estado triste.

Last night, while I should have been studying, I was getting advice from a friend about UG. I have been feeling quite confundida. So my friend helped me to realize that I may have been sending mixed signals myself. You know that whole direct communication stuff? Yeah, always have trouble with that. But he also helped me realize that I don't know what I want for myself. That's great.

My friend John is supposed to visit me today. Let's see what is in store for us.

Yo necesito estudiar por mi examen manana. Sigh.

Pero el hablar de espanol es muy divertido aqui. Especialmente porque son los estudiantes de las naciones que hablan en espanol. Muy divertido!

Rays of sadness still follow me around though. Am I willing to wait? For a life that I long for? From a person I am no longer sure of because of all the doubts that have been abounding? Because of all the silence conversations? The ones that deepen the divide between me and my dreams? Ah, let it be for now. There are things I must go do. So for now, I must leave this quiet comfort behind.

Friday, August 23, 2002

Status Report for 22 de agosto:

Yo estoy llena de aqua. Ay, me duele mi estomago.

Yo he hablado espanol mucho.

Hay un chico a mi universidad. Cada vez que yo lo veo y el la ves, nosotros nunca hablamos. Hmm...yo penso porque.

Es todo para ahora.

Yo necesito ducharme y meter mis ropas en la maleta. Hasta luego!

Tuesday, August 20, 2002

Status Report for 19 August:

I feel yucky inside.

At school tonight, there was a talent show. And our Hawaiian Club performed. And I was talking to someone about one of the dancers: how he has grown up and matured so much since his relationship with his girlfriend. Once the performance finished, he kissed her on the head.

And I just felt sad.

To watch such an act made my heart long. For sweet little moments.

And the more my heart longs, the more I realize what I truly want. And the more I hurt inside, knowing that I cannot get such things from the source I want it to come from. And the more my heart longs alone, the more it feels alone in this world. I worry because I am not sure how I feel anymore. I have not been able to hold on. And it feels like it is slipping away from me.

Maybe that will affect me and in turn affect him.

But ultimately, if he knew what I wanted and he was not in a position to give it to me, he would let me go so I could find it. Because that is what he would do. He would not make it work. He would let me find happiness somewhere else. Because he does not know how much I long to have it from him. He would never understand that. And I could never tell him that. It is not one of those things that you speak of. It just sits inside of you. Consuming your heart and ravishing it.

And I don't feel that I have the right connections with people at school that allow me to feel truly apart of them. What I want or need from them feels like an obligation so I hold back. I do not allow myself to let them be here for me. And if I do, it is the same people I turn to. After awhile, I feel that I am wasting too much of their time. So I stop going to them.

But I fear that my heart is also running away from its abode. I feel like all my friendships are slipping out of my hands. And it has only been a bit over a week since I have last had contact with someone. I think this year is going to be quite hard.

I do not feel like I am a part of any place, any home, or any heart.

Sunday, August 18, 2002

Hello. Here I am. Don't feel like a status report. Just feel like blogging.

Still busy. Still doing work. And I haven't even gone back to classes yet. Oh well.

I am listening to the soft thuds of someone in my hall
As I listen to my own music soothe me.
I am awaiting time to pass
So that I might grab a bite of nourishment.
I must call home.
I must call Lilly.
I must fold my laundry.
My nose keeps running.
And I keep getting up for a tissue.
What a perfect example of what a Sunday should be like.
What a nice way to spend this Sunday afternoon, chilling and resting.

Thursday, August 15, 2002

I feel soooo lonely right now. So lonely that I can't even sleep. Even though I'm exhausted. Soooo exhausted. It brings me to tears how lonely I feel.

And no one has the responsibility to help make me feel better. No one is in the position to anyway. And no one will help me feel better.

Am I homesick? Perhaps. But I am just aching for a heart that mine knows well. Oh how it aches...

Status Report for 15 August:

Today's thought: I don't want to be lonely. Maybe that's why I've been thinking about marriage. Maybe I think marriage will provide me with a kinda stable person who could keep me company. Especially when I feel extremely alone. Perhaps that's why I always come back to the hearts that I know best: those people I have deep connections with. The ones who, even if we don't do much at all, I still feel that they are with me. Maybe that's why I only date people I've known for a while.

I was extremely tired today, from lifting luggage and baggage for the past four days. Sigh. And tiredness makes me prone to sadness. Easily. Hah. That's why I am kinda sad. And I am comforting it by revelling in it. And listening to music.

I am tired. Stay healthy. Everyone!

Tuesday, August 13, 2002

Status Report for 13 August:

I moved in yesterday. Packed all day and unpacked all night. Luckily I had the help of my two friends: Jenny and Linda. Thank GOOOODness for them! They helped me physically, mentally, and emotionally! Weee!

But while packing, I said, "I don't want to go to school." Sighness. It was scary. I think that's why I didn't want to pack. It was my way of denying the truth of moving out. But I've been so busy that I have been okay.

Yet, everyone around me is sooooooooooooo excited about being back and being with everyone of their brothers and sisters. And I am the estranged child, the adopted one who hasn't been around much. And they have the strongest relationships. They are here at this school because of the others. While I am here to learn and grow as an individual.

Hmm...I think UG is realizing interesting things. I am just going along and living. I haven't been thinking too much of what I want or what I need or how I am going to be if we get back together. But that is up to time. And like anything you want something back from, it's going to take work.

Monday, August 12, 2002

Status Report for 11 August:

It slowly started hitting me throughout the day. As I did my loads of laundry, nothing stood out. As I cleaned the kitchen, nothing spectacular. While I ironed, it started though. I went out to Target to buy an ironing board and stuff I needed for school. YIKES! For school...Hyon called me. Grr...slap of reality!

I went out with Jim to 3rd street Promenade. And I realized, "I'm going to school tomorrow." Sighness.

I woke up knowing that I had dreamed of UG. But I don't remember of what.

Sunday, August 11, 2002

Status Report for 10 August:

This day was the anniversary of the Prom/Graduation Walk that I planned for UG. But I didn't think about it until the end of the day.

I went with my mommy to the swapmeet for the last time this summer. We were going to get flowers for Lilly's mother's birthday but they weren't prime gift flowers. We were so exhausted that we went straight home. It wasn't that hot.

When we got home, we rested and napped. Zerlina called and I went to showering so I could get over there and watch Amelie and still have time to have dinner with my family. I got to see Zerlina's studio pictures! Wow! That will be a jewel to have! And I was kinda excited that she was talkative! =) Well we watched scenes 5 to the ending. Amelie is so cute! Her and Nino are so cute! It is such a beautifully choreographed movie!

Well, I rushed home after a surprise present from Zerlina! =) Aww. And my parents, Bob, and I went to eat dinner at Todai. Sorry, Jim. And it was good eating! Except my food felt like it wasn't too warm! Sighness.

When I got home, I called Lilly to see if she was busy. But she was going to a party. And for some reason, UG paged me. So I called him back but no answer. So I went online to wait for him. He came online and thought that I didn't wanna call him, which wasn't the case! Hmmph! Well we were making small talk. And he asked me what was wrong. I told him nothing, but I thought that he wanted to hang out with me. He actually did, and said "I still do... But you have to be home by 11." So I asked him, "Well, what if I said I could be out till 12? How would you convince me to go?" He responded with, "I don't know what I could give you. But if you came, you could be with me and spend time with me." Interesting.

I started thinking about school and packing and moving back in. It made me quite sad. And I'm worried about UG. When I asked him if everything was okay, he said that he didn't know, which is not his 99% of the time response. And I asked him about his health to make sure that wasn't a problem, but he also responded with "I don't know." Either he's beginning to talk like me or something's wrong. Sigh. Who knows?

Friday, August 09, 2002

Status Report for 9 August:

UG said this to me: "Maybe you, your mom, me, and my mom can have dinner next Sunday." Why? Why would he want that? Was it even him who asked for this? Why? And how the heck am I going to get my mom to go? Geez, I'm so afraid that she's just going to yell at UG or at his mom. That would suck. I don't even think she would want to go if she knew she was likely to explode. HAH!

I see. Blurry lines between being friends and dating. Grr. WHY? Can't I just stick my ground? Arghness.

And UG didn't even want to hang out before I move in. HMPHable!!!!

Hah! PriincessJ thinks that supaxjim still has feelings for me. Eh? Sighness.

A couple more days...

Status Report for 8 August:

I had this recurring thought: maybe when you find love, you don't always get to be with it. But then I wondered a bit more and I came to this conclusion: perhaps if you aren't with someone you love, it's not meant to be. As hard as that is for me to swallow as a deep idealist when it comes to love and romance, I think it's true.

What does that mean? Maybe UG and I aren't meant to be. Even if we care about each other. But what if he thinks I'm the one for him, and in the future, we'll be together, but I think the opposite? Where does that leave us? Does that mean I should realize UG's the one? Or does that mean we should just end it now so it doesn't hurt so much later? But what if that's not even the answer and it just causes unnecessary hurt and pain?

As imschizooo and I had our formal and she talked about her problems with her guy, something quite interesting came up. There are a few things that bother her about him. So I said, "Maybe he's not the one for you." And her response was, "But what if there's so much other stuff that you like about him and are happy with?" My answer? Don't let the negative things bother you; come to terms with the fact that he is like that and move on. Because it's either you make it work together (even if that means learning to not be annoyed by someone's habits)or you get out of the relationship. If you don't come to terms with the habits, you're just going to let the bad things dominate the relationship anyway. Might as well be apart.

But I see that as her holding on to him. When you care that much about someone, you want them to be the one you can share your life with. You want to stay with them.

And something random that I asked her: "what if UG sees me as the one and I don't?" Her response: "sorry. you lost you chance."

Thursday, August 08, 2002

Status Report for 7 August:

Talked to Joann about UG and gave her the update. She pondered and thought and perplexed just for me. She told me that our mutual friend, Jena, can't understand how UG can't treat me like the queen I am. Hah! Hahah. But I saw an SUV run into something and then minutes later when we were driving down Gilbert, we saw water flying in the air! Wow! And I asked Joann if we could talk a bit on the phone, just to keep some contact between us so we still have some strings that hold us together throughout the school year.

However, all that talk I wasn't sad but I wasn't any happier or more at ease about UG.

Anyway, I drove up to my friend's house in Eagle Rock and we ventured out to some mall in Glendale after we had dinner at his house. We went to Cold Stone and he got me a large. OH MY DEAR STOMACH! And while ingesting allllllllllll that ice cream, he told me about how's he's been.

First TwoFoldWay and now Bucaloyol. My two closest guy friends are suffering from heartache from relationships. Women who abandon. While UG gets his freedom and walks away from me. He just needs to grow. To the point where he can realize what I mean and be able to give a relationship with me enough. Hahahah.

I really wanted to finish watching Amelie. Sighness! Darn the curfews! Gah!

PS: So is Saturday...3 or 4 ish good?

Wednesday, August 07, 2002

Lilly on UM getting back together: "I see that happening in the future. I just don't know what state you'll be in."

Mr. Hogencamp on reactions from the guys I date: "They realize what a catch you are and get so attached..."

Joann on UG: "I just think you need to be with someone who speaks your language so you aren't misunderstood."

Veronica on our friendship: "Even though we don't talk all the time that doesn't mean we aren't close."

Elizabeth on "Amelie": "It was very Uyen-esque. That's a good thing."

Elizabeth on being around me: "When I'm around you, I just want to be better."

Anna on meeting me: "She has a Berkeley air about her."

Sammi on my look: "You look like you could be in a catalog."

Status Report for 6 August:

Too much time to talk and think about UG. Great. And no karaoke-ing.

And I missed him. I haven't for the past couple of days. And now here I am. Sigh.

Tuesday, August 06, 2002

Status Report for 5 August:

Tried to wake up early for training. It was hard. I didn't fall back asleep. But I didn't get up and get going for about an hour. Sigh.

Hung out with my friend, John Lim. Had lunch and talked about what we were concerned about, while trying to find a replacement bulb for my dad's Maglite and talking about trucks and running into Joann at work and watching kids get pushed up ramps at the Vans skate park. Sigh. He just reassured me that since I'm not in a rush to get back into any other kind of relationship, I should take my time and not rush into anything or anyone else. That was nice.

Afterwards, Lilly and I went with Jim Truong to the Switzers house where we were attacked by huge dogs: Rita and Rocko. We also got to see their soon to arrive daughter's ultra sound and heartbeat! Precious! Then we left for The Abbey in Seal Beach for dinner, where we met up with Mr. Hogencamp. Once he got there, he just chatted and chatted and we heard their perspectives and tried to catch them up on what was going on in our world and our friends' worlds. By the way, on the way there, I rode with the Switzers and gave them the skinny on UG and me's break. They told me if I needed to talk to call them. And that it's for the better, even if we don't end up back together.

When it was over and we split, Mr. Hogencamp opted to hang out with us for a bit longer. So we cruised down to Downtown Disney. I rode with Mr. Hogencamp. And we had a chat. I filled him in on me. He first told me about how the Switzers and him had had a discussion about me and how they felt that it would have been a good idea for me to have gone away for school. They had been worried that I was tooo close to home because of a Chris in my life. But from what he gathered, he heard that I was doing well and not too suffocated by being close to home.

Then we got into UG and I told him about UG. He was concerned that I was going to get co-dependent, especially because he feels that any guy who I date will eventually realize what a catch I am and become attached to me. Quite flattering. Geez, and a bit scary. But I reassured him that the type of relationship that I had with UG didn't get to that. And in fact, we were on a break so we could figure things out about ourselves and stuff. And I also told him about the growth that I've been capable of with UG's help. And he was glad to hear that I was also focusing on myself and my individuality. I was too after I told him.

Sigh. Nice. Few thoughts. Except this afternoon, before leaving for dinner, I just missed UG for a bit. Tried not to listen to any music that would remind me of him. Trying not to talk to him online. Just to keep busy. I'm trying to be friends. Not like the slip up we had last time when we went shopping for our daughter. But I think it'll be okay.

I think we'll be okay. I think I'll be okay.

Sunday, August 04, 2002

Status Report for 4 August:

I cleaned a lot today. Didn't think too much about UG. Except for when I wanted him to call me. But he didn't. And for right now as I write a status report.

I must start training myself to sleep earlier and wake up earlier and sleep for less hours. Must start tonight. After I change my template.

I don't like wood. I haven't been eating as well as before. Lots of snacks. Grr! My bad. Lunch tomorrow with a friend at 1230 and dinner at 1800.

Saturday, August 03, 2002

Status Report for 3 August:

Not very much sleep. Had an early morning wake up call at 3 in the morning. Hmm...talked things out with UG. And it helped. A lot. I don't remember exactly what we talked about, but I was left with a sense of peace.

Ran around all day looking for the perfect size dress. AGH!!!

In the process, I had this clear feeling of happiness. While eating my favorite pasta at Souplantation, the ever delightful Pasta Florentine with Carmelized Onions, I felt pure happiness and could pinpoint it. Usually, happy is not a description I ever use to explain my emotional state. Perhaps, happiness awaits me in the future.

Had tension problems with my mother because she saw my puffy eyes this morning. She was upset. Mad cause it seems like I'm chasing after pain. She doesn't want me to hurt. And she thinks it's his fault that I cry. So does he. But I don't. I believe that I decide to cry. But no one really seems to understand that, at least those that see it.

And while driving and hearing my mom talk about how I should stop chasing after sadness, I realized that all my life, love and romantic relationships have meant so much to me. Somehow, I've spent my life searching for love.. Something that I've wanted all my life. But something that I haven't quite found yet. I just don't know how my mom could understand that, especially since it involves my pain and sadness.

Tranquilizing bed time. Even if I couldn't sleep much.

So we're single. But we have faith in us.

And I'm not alone.

Status Report for 2 August:

Why does asking to be friends hurt so much? I see that I am crying. Grr...argh.

And now something that Zerlina is haunting me: it only gets worse before it gets better. Maybe that's what this is.

A friend's advice:

TwoFold Way: when one is so deeply involved with another..
TwoFold Way: like you were (i assume)...
TwoFold Way: it becomes hard to bear any thoughts of the other being with someone else..
TwoFold Way: it puts great strains on your heart/mind/body...
TwoFold Way: and seeing that person only makes it worse...
TwoFold Way: longing for someone... who you were so close to so recently...
TwoFold Way: and seeing them often...
TwoFold Way: they're so close... but so far...
TwoFold Way: and it kills you.
TwoFold Way: losing that person.. is unbearable.
TwoFold Way: it WILL drive you insane.
TwoFold Way: and it WILL cause you to do things that you wouldn't normally do.
TwoFold Way: say things to them...
TwoFold Way: unkind words.. or whatever.
TwoFold Way: nonetheless.. the point is.
TwoFold Way: seeing him.. will end up...
TwoFold Way: with a lot of strain and stress on your relationship with him.
TwoFold Way: and the worst thing is... if he isn't responsive..
TwoFold Way: it'll just push him further away..
TwoFold Way: my opinion of this.
TwoFold Way: is to just walk away
TwoFold Way: if he misses you, and understands what he had,
TwoFold Way: he'll come back.
TwoFold Way: if he doesn't..
TwoFold Way: well, that's his stupidity and there's nothing you can do about it.

But what about the movie I saw? Love has no fear. Love is eternal. In the end, the fear will disappear. Or how love is so great? Am I just running away? Saving myself from unnecessary pain. Taking the simple way out? But don't I want to know if love was there? Cuz love will bring us back? Cuz I should have faith in our relationship? Hah?!!

This is all about time. Dammit. Dammit.

Two almost good days. And today. I wonder if this bad stuff will go on for a stretch? AHHHHHHHHHHHHCK! FINE!!!!!!!! I'LL DEAL!!!!!!!!! FREAKIN'!!!!!!!!

Friday, August 02, 2002

Status Report for 1 August:

I've been perplexed by a decision that I have to make all day: dating or friend status?

Hmm...initially my concern was that dating would do nothing to alleviate the problem that led to the break. One can become so content with having things exactly the way they want (all a relationship gives minus a title that leads to obligations) that one would not even think about changing or growth. Also, I was concerned about how I'd feel if I were to find out that he was also dating someone else.

Then, my friend Edward told me about arbitrariness. And how if the decision is so close that it's hard to make, either way should be okay.

Then my friend Zerlina reminded me that it depends on the definition of dating. And she also helped me to think about what reasons he would have for wanting to date.

So I thought about, considering also what I feel and I want at the same time as weighing what he wants.

Then I talked to Lilly and she was like "informality." And I was like...yah, being just friends forces things to change and perhaps could ultimately change feelings towards the other. Lilly said, "Minutely." And I had to think about it and I added...and being just friends is hard when you have feelings for each other. Then it all made sense. That that was the direction I was headed in. The dating part...

But luckily my friend Jenny reminded me again that I should make sure that the definitions match. So we can be on the same page. So here I am!

Gooey goodness!

I felt good after I realized that stuff out with Lilly. Wow. Haven't felt so much clarity since last Friday with Jenny, right before everything started falling apart on me. Sigh.

Thursday, August 01, 2002

Status Report for 31 July:

Very tired. All day. Walked around in a sort of trance. Not enough sleep. And perhaps too much vaccination.

Went to SLA Academy Awards Night to visit Ms. Jennifer Lutz. Was amazed at Mr. Wilmoth's never-ending innovation as an educator. Shocked at Mr. Ansari's retirement. Excited about Mr. Matsuda's son, but I did not get a chance to talk to Mr. Matsuda. Ran into two alumni: Allan Park and Kris Quioit (sp?). Chatted with Viveca Andres. Got nostalgic during the slide show, with musical accompaniment by Vitamin C and her ever chilling Graduation Song (Friends Forever).

Overall: Fine. But confused about friendship or casual dating? Sighness...