i'm so over being blue

i didn't like work today. now i don't want to go tomorrow. and that's why i can't sleep.

we've been working on an art project, where we drew an image over four canvases and we each took one to paint. yesterday, we worked on it for the first time in a week but because i had a student who needed to talk, i couldn't partake in painting. i understand that the others have been antsy to finish, but they basically went ahead and changed the canvas i was working on without telling me. so that when i did come over, i was shocked.

today, we worked on it again but i had already checked out because of yesterday so i busied myself with the students who weren't painting. the others continued working on it and they continued to change the panel in question. by then, i stopped caring about them consulting me about anything. but i didn't like how they kept insisting that i sign my name on it. i didn't want my name on anything that i didn't feel i took part in. so that when my partner asked again if i would sign my name, i was fed up.

i'm sure this sounds like no big deal to you. but i can't even look at the finished product on the wall. if they really wanted me to sign my name on the piece, they could have made me feel more like a part of the team.

crying over you

they say, "he do a little this, he do a little that...

rule #3: if you don't want me around, i'll back off.

this morning i had a dream that it was my birthday and someone arranged it so that a grip load of people lined up to say happy birthday to me. though i was embarassed at first, i felt super loved in the dream.

i'm tired and i want to sleep but i'm going to meet up with charlie and hijo.

"he's always in trouble.

if you still care at all

back a couple of months ago, i was writing in my blog about the need to be around people that i didn't quite understand. but after an interesting couple of weeks, i found the source of the need.

as a child, i grew up wanting to play with my brothers cuz they lived in my house and were around the same age as i. but for whatever reason, they didn't want me around. so i tried to change myself in an attempt to get them to see that i could be like them. but i couldn't be what they wanted and they weren't old enough to understand what constant rejection does to a person.

so as i continued on, i hung on close to friends. a little too tight. so that when i lost someone, i was really sad. it was another failed attempt to keep someone around me. but i'd always bounce back and find another. it wasn't until high school that i learned to let go of friendships when i saw them falling apart, instead of holding on for dear life. however the need to have people near me still persisted.

when i started to date, i thought, "cool, there's someone who's supposed to sort of be my companion." but i wasn't too into them all where i spent day and night with them; besides i was protected and watched closely by my family. however it was enough that when one relationship ended, another one quickly filled its place whether official or not. a reason for my serial monogamy.

nowadays, my social calendar is so filled that i hardly have time to get a good night's sleep. but then again, i've always made other people a higher priority than myself. one of these days i will learn that no matter how long someone is around me, i'm still ultimately alone. so maybe when i can accept that solitude can be a good thing, i'll stop over-exerting myself in the name of companionship.

till another realization, ciao, bella.

please don't tell me now

my dream shoe.

They say time heals everything

rule #2: i need to listen to music all the time, unless i'm too tired to pay attention to it.

so i opted to change the look of my blog. it's been a while and i needed something that captures what i'm going through these days. in terms of color, i was really happy with this pick: i love the shade of green. i like the fresh look.

speaking of looks, i'm still looking to add pieces for a new sophisticated wardrobe. but i also want to keep it young and fresh. i don't want to look 40 just quite yet. but all these clothes have nowhere to be worn to, because work is uniform with jeans.

still trying to get myself out of the water on the issue of high-paying job versus non-profit. i've been talking to people and it's been helping. except the question of working or going back to school is still puzzling me.

friday, i hung out with friends from work. we stopped by tgif's for some cheap food and then some of us went over to the ruben martinez bookstore in santa ana to support ocapica's cal 24 unMasked. there, i ran into people i used to work closely with and it was nice to catch up.

But I'm still waiting

rule #1: when i am tired, do not tease and joke with me or carry out repetitive noises. i have no reserves to be polite or shake things off. i am highly sensitive and thus highly volatile.

and because i cannot sleep, here is a list of what i am grateful for:
cheese.
bagels.
contact lenses.
light bulbs.
hugs.
stunningly gorgeous photos.
water.
swimming in water.
flip-flops with arch support.
creams and ointments to stop itching.
sunblock.
patronage.
things to do when you cannot sleep.
my nalgene bottles.
the ability to meet new people and make new friends.
old friends who you start up with right where you left off.
blankets.
earplugs.
pink.
a good salad.
the right to sit any way i want.
having money to spend when im starving.
someone to share a meal with.
someone to share an activity with.
the bff.
paper to write thoughts onto.
having the capacity to learn new things.
the time to figure out what i want to do with the rest of my life.
surprises.
emails you know are waiting for you in your inbox.
text messages that say that someone is thinking of you.
juicy details.
rolly chairs.
free metal cases and artwork and ear impressions and earphones.
Charmin toilet paper.
keys.
alicia keys.
jack johnson.
norah jones.
savestheday.
chapstick.
parents that keep supporting me even if im not a "good" daughter.
strawberry lemonade.
chrysanthemum tea.
getting a chill and wondering if theboy wants to hold me.
secrets.
my 5 senses.
weekly social hangouts.
random social hangouts.
personalizing everything.
pens.
waking up without knots in my shoulders.
friends from whom you can ask for help.
being able to make mistakes and not get stoned for them.
sleeping.

good luck in your endeavors.

i can't choose a boat: sell-out job or not-enough-resources-mon-profit job.

also, i'm so cnfused that im getting annoyed and i'm starting to stop caring.

weep not for the memory

Yesterday was a weeeeird day. First, my partner and I went to a site to pick up the soccer materials. While there, the staff there received a ticket for someone else trying to get into the building. Then, VLT was to come to my site and help out. But on the way, she got into a car accident. Next my students, my partner, and I left our site in the van to pick up a site nearby, when we got into an accident. Eek. So that took 20 minutes to figure out. We arrived at the park and played soccer and such. Then afterwards, we dropped off the nearby site. We saw this little red Geo Metro that had 3 bumper stickers: 2 that said Bush&Cheney, the other said that the democratic vote was a risky vote. And wherever the Bush stickers were, there were dents. So we assumed that the dents were made by people who were haters who also tried to tear off the stickers! Okay, so then I arrived an hour late to have dinner with a couple of other coworkers and there was a lot of disclosure! Hahaha... Then, HSP drove with me from Santa Ana to Long Beach and on the 22W, I saw the Geo metro again! Sheeesh! Then I had tea till 1130p. I showered and took a nap but didn't go to sleep till 3:30a. Hahaha...

Recently, I've been telling a lot of my students to get out of their school and go back to district. And I keep telling them, "You deserve a better education" because they really do. But it really depends on what they want ultimately. And as I'm sure parents know so well, it is so hard to just sit back and watch someone you care about do something that may hurt them or their futures. But you can't help people unless they want to be helped.

Painting is really difficult for me. But that means I need to keep trying. It's just frustrating because I know I can't get any better unless I learn how to paint or learn paint concepts, but I don't know where to get that from. I don't have a teacher who is dispensable to me. But dancing is a little better. I learned a new part of a stomp routine today and I'm so excited!

I raced my partner to Jamba Juice today but I lost so I bought him a smoothie. Hah! Take that for being spontaneous!

weep not for the memory

now that your out of my life, im so much better

migraines and headaches have this way of reminding me of the stressful days of school and studying. and ever since i've been working, i have had many headpain-free days. no stress of that 5 page paper due in a week that i haven't started because i have 200 pages to read of psych artciles. no stress of midterms and final exams. sometimes i think, maybe this working stuff is just easier. but maybe it's because i can't abuse my body the way i did when i was younger and studying. and now that i'm actually taking care of my body and sleeping almost enoug hours, i can make it through the day better. or maybe working is easier because it ends when you leave work. not like school, where the real work starts after you leave class.

i get so caught up