if you still care at all

back a couple of months ago, i was writing in my blog about the need to be around people that i didn't quite understand. but after an interesting couple of weeks, i found the source of the need.

as a child, i grew up wanting to play with my brothers cuz they lived in my house and were around the same age as i. but for whatever reason, they didn't want me around. so i tried to change myself in an attempt to get them to see that i could be like them. but i couldn't be what they wanted and they weren't old enough to understand what constant rejection does to a person.

so as i continued on, i hung on close to friends. a little too tight. so that when i lost someone, i was really sad. it was another failed attempt to keep someone around me. but i'd always bounce back and find another. it wasn't until high school that i learned to let go of friendships when i saw them falling apart, instead of holding on for dear life. however the need to have people near me still persisted.

when i started to date, i thought, "cool, there's someone who's supposed to sort of be my companion." but i wasn't too into them all where i spent day and night with them; besides i was protected and watched closely by my family. however it was enough that when one relationship ended, another one quickly filled its place whether official or not. a reason for my serial monogamy.

nowadays, my social calendar is so filled that i hardly have time to get a good night's sleep. but then again, i've always made other people a higher priority than myself. one of these days i will learn that no matter how long someone is around me, i'm still ultimately alone. so maybe when i can accept that solitude can be a good thing, i'll stop over-exerting myself in the name of companionship.

till another realization, ciao, bella.

please don't tell me now