Wednesday, April 28, 2004

do what you must if that's what you wish

once upon a time, there was a group of 6 young women nicknamed "thinktank" by some boy who noticed how smart they all seemed to be with one another. 5 of them used to play pool a lot in order to become pool sharks. three of them used to be japanese. all 6 of them shared in a general bond that helped them get through hard times and enjoy fun times! but then 2 of them went away for a semester. things were different but still the bond existed between them, especially the 4 who remained. then the 2 came back and the 4 left to go away. and the 2 who remained found it difficult to get along, not with each other but without the other "thinktankers." and without the dynamic of at least 3, things were a bit slow. the 2 sat and longed for the other 4 to come back home, all the while growing in different directions and sometimes enjoying meals and study sessions together... the 2 missed the other 4 and could not wait to see what life would be like again with the 6 reunited...

once upon a time, there was a little prince in a little girl's life. somehow they became really close. he took care of her and she tried to care for him. after a couple of years, the little girl realized that since the beginning there had been an imbalance. but she didnt know how to communicate it to the little prince. feelings escalated however the little girl continued to be passive, even passive-aggressive until she could not deal with it anymore. she cut the little prince out of her life and didnt look back, as she grew up. yet with time, she realized her unfair treatment of the little prince that she had cared for. she did not want to go back into time, for the person she had become was someone she liked. but she did want to make amends to the little prince one day and explain to him what had happened.

once upon a time, a sheltered and protected young lady went away to a foreign land. she worried about how people would treat her and worried about how genuine any of her friendships would be. but somehow, amidst all the people in the universe, she was mixed together with people who were real and genuine, not changing who they were to accomodate her needs or preferences. and although it was awkward and uncomfortable at the time, she realized what an amazing experience it was for her to be treated not in accordance with her preferences but in accordance with how all the friends were collectively. the power of starting over in a new place helped her realize that she could try new things out and it would be okay. in addition, she realized how important those friends from the foreign land had become. she had to leave foreign land and her friends. but most days after her departure, she thought fondly of her friends and tried her best to keep in touch. they had touched her life in amazing ways.

i am a visitor here, i am not permanent.

Monday, April 26, 2004

shut up just shut up shut up

mood: appreciative and warm

here we go. the start of the last 3.5 weeks of school! [trumpets sound] perhaps i shall be trained to mediate others people's problems and ultimately my own... i hope so! i just have to be open to what i dont prefer and maybe one day i can be capable of bigger things.

happy 21st birthday, mindy!!!

shoot, it wasnt even my birthday but i had such a fun time this weekend! probably cuz i didnt have any pressure for homework and i just kept going out and living it up. saturday was fun because mindy and i went to the nail salon and i made her get a spa pedicure! yay! soooo fun! her first pedicure! then we had lunch at bobs burgers! sooo fun! we just got into talking and had to speeeed our way home so mindy could go to work! tehe, then sunday, mindy and i went bike riding, dog showering, and ribbon shopping before meeting up with sonia and florence to head over to mindy's family bday thing. it was cool cuz sonia and flo were really friendly. then, mindy and i set up the bike rack, headed to my house for errands, and off we went to hb to ride the beach cruisers along the streets and bike path! weee! then, to top it off, we went to joes italian ice to live it up with tangerine & cherry bada bing! mmm...tasty!

it's three o'clockish and i have 3 assignments to do. i think ill be done by dinner! yay! i love learning cluster! weeee! off to doing it all...

i see it in your eyes, there is something that you hide from me

Saturday, April 24, 2004

why can't i breathe whenever i think about you?

mood: anxious & happy

yay! i have completed finals for term!!! and although this week has been crazy (with five papers), i had a lot of fun! i got to hang out, watch 2.5 movies during the week, drink an in n out milkshake, and then, when all was said and DONE, i went with a friend to have the best bruschetta in the world and super delicioso angel hair pasta with feta cheese!! not to mention the cool hangout at laguna, with the huuuuuge great dane! then we even raced around looking for a snack, but turns out we got to eat denny's. i haven't been there since december, when i said good-bye to the spring study-abroaders!

and then friday, i hung out with a good friend, playing at uo and tz! who knew colors were soooo happy!! and as usual, we sat in her car for over an hour chilling and discussing life. ::sigh:: how superific!

the term is over. no homework. i am happy!!!

communication is really the key. so i have to step up and be willing to deal with conflict. hopefully my learning cluster on conflict resolution will help!

you got it bad when youre on the phone, hang up, and you call right back

Friday, April 16, 2004

and i know you're next to me but i must confess what's in my head

mood: chill & exhausted

let me reiterate how much i do not like sunrises, especially when you stumble across them without wanting to see them. it would be a different story if i had planned it. you know, that's cool. but, when you think it's still night time and then all of a sudden, you're like "huh?"

sometimes, the words just wanna come out and you wish you had the strength to pick up a pen and write a letter. but all you can do is sit idly at the screen, attempting to formulate these deep thoughts that have been sittng on your chest for the past four months.

i wish i would say what i felt to people. cuz sometimes, i just dont think its appropriate. and i hold it back, i hold it in. there's so much i wish i could have said. people who i wish i would have gotten to know. but i held back. always always always holding back.

one puff, two puff, three puff, four puff, five im feeling real high

Sunday, April 11, 2004

there once was a time i was sure of the bond

mood: tired & unproductive

i cant be on when im off and my head aches. its all too difficult. and i still feel like crying. i dislike. a lot. i complain a lot. but im going to go suck it up and get this crap done. when its thursday night, ill be a bit happier. saturday and next monday and friday (and maybe wednesday) are due dates for 3 (4) papers. yay! this week is merely presentations.

ive been having these weird dreams. and i dont know what they mean. and the more i think about them, the more i feel like im not doing well. the more i feel like i havent made the best decisions in my life.

but at least ive made my parents proud. ive brought pride to the family instead of shame like i did three months ago.

Wednesday, April 07, 2004

you rip my heart right out

my dad is the kind of father that most of my friends have. he's hardly been present in my life and when he has been, he's one of three states: angry, funny, or distant.

when he comes home from work, he takes a 5 minute shower, including dressing and drying off. then he eats dinner. if he hasn't already cleaned up his incredibly messy and full truck and garage, he will work on that until way passed his bedtime. his body is growing weak and he cannot work as hard as he used to; he's finally seeing the signs and listening to his body: "dont work that hard." when he lays in bed, he watches tv and falls asleep. usually, he is asleep by 9pm and wakes up around 5. when my mom doesnt sleep with him, he'll wake up at 4 and will not be able to fall asleep, unless my mom comes and sleeps with him. sometimes, when my parents do sleep in the same room, he will wake up and make noise and my mom will make him go back to sleep; he does. i think he sleeps better when my mom is there with him.

when he is at home, he is usually buried in newspapers. he loves to read in general and always seems up to date with the news. he gets so caught up in his reading, that he is unavailable, unable to be reached. otherwise, he is fixing something around the house.

recently, my dad has been going out with my mom. i think its cute. and they will take after dinner walks, and i will see my mom holding my dads hand or linking arms with him. aww, he's her physical rock.

when my father smiles, he looks the best, even if he has a bad smile. it gives him charm. im like that too, maybe minus the charm.

my dad works really hard. mostly to provide for his family, even my 25 year old brother. he is selfless. he thinks that people who do not have kids are selfish. perhaps this is true. he also holds grudges easily. he doesnt really have friends anymore, except his work buddies. up until a few years ago, he used to talk to a childhood friend. but they got into an argument and my dad will not talk to him anymore. somehow, he's okay with that.

he's proud. judgmental. silly. comical. annoying. loud. narrow-minded. faithful. hard-working. persevering. he's my dad. what can i say?

Sunday, April 04, 2004

what's with all this blogging?

i need something. like an attitude change or the deep realization that in the end, im gonna be alone. because it always comes back to this nagging feeling of loneliness. when all is said and done, when everyone is gone, im always here, there, anywhere alone.

i know i should be grateful. less small-minded.

i saw a man zooming across the crosswalk in his motorized wheelchair, with grocery bags on his handles. i wanted to cry. it hurt me to think of all the crack he has to go through. then i tried to make myself feel better. "be grateful, you can move around." but what good does that do?

eeyore, how are we going to get through these last weeks? i am so freakin behind!! :sigh: oh well, what's so important about grades? ::hug:: almost there...

i have to go back to school soon. very unhappy. i bet you anything that ill leave and come back.... ah, dont be so reactionary! suck it up!

drink water.

Saturday, April 03, 2004

its about that time to break forth the rhythm and the rhyme

its crunch time. you know, like two weeks before finals. and i square there is so much freakin crack to do but ive been feeling so pressured that i have just been escaping the workload, escaping the busy work, escaping classes even. i think its all overrated. and most of me really doesnt care, especially for the dumb dumb classes. but the more i put it off, the more stress and pressure i feel bubbling inside of me. so much so that i am exxxxtra sensitive to everything and everyone.

dagnamit! i should have crawled in that hole when i had the chance.

we all escape the self, you know, those outlets we have to completely stop thinking about how human and social selves to return to the basic bodily aspects of ourselves. it usually means alcoholism, drug abuse, sexual masochism, or suicide. but for me, its crying. its sooo physical. i square i never noticed, but i always do it when somethings going wrong. because for those minutes i can completely forget myself and be lost in the physical and emotional possession that takes over me.

i need to go work on my draft so i can read for my physics project and then research on hernan cortes for my spanish project.

i dont like the group meetings. they get on my nerves. ::sigh::

dont mess around with my affections

Thursday, April 01, 2004

in honor of brown's spring break

i must say, it is exhausting to be hyper. but it was quite refreshing and fortunate. i cant believe that i used to be like that in 6th and 8th grade. it seems impossible, especially because of all the layers of tiredness and sleepiness and pure cynicism that has plagued my existence on earth.

but it was exciting to hang out with zee and leo!!! weeeee! i am sure they saw it. and leo even thought that i was more enegetic and bouncy than a cheerleader friend that he knows. hahah, even though zee can speak up for my defense. sheesh!!!

yah, i was on pure natural energy the 6 hours we were together. i didn't even do an ounce of homework yesterday to celebrate their spring break! sometimes you just let go. haha, but man, was i TIRED after they left. but the weird thing was my mind was still going. i couldn't fall asleep. it took at least 30 minutes, which is sooo crazy because my body was sooooo gone!!! ahhh!

off to workout thursdays!

ps: there are prospective students on campus, but i dont care. what happened?