Friday, December 31, 2004

ive got it all but i feel so deprived

im back to finish what i started.

2004 notables

  • the passing of david chappell, my first professor at sua
    he was such an enlightened person, understanding that there was more to life than getting caught up in all the small and meager stuff in life, like jealousy, power, and stress.

  • alicia keys' "if i aint got you"
    this was THE song of the year for me. the first time i heard it on "the diary of alicia keys," i knew it was going to be a hit. and i loved it from the start. it embodied how i felt about him and made me feel so lucky.

  • the transition back to sua, with the c/o 2005 in tact
    i knew the returning seniors would have to adapt back to sua life, but i never knew that it would affect our relationships. it was hard to talk about. and was hardly talked about. but i think things just fell into place. and somehow,we just moved forward.

  • tuesdays with m
    we did it last year. and people noticed. and we kept hanging out, solidifying our friendship and helping us realize how much we have in common! she was there when i needed encouragement or a couple of ears or someone to cry with. and she was there through the laughter, the dancing, and the great movies.

  • the break
    it was unexpected. out of the blue. it left me feeling lost. but ive realized a great deal, learned a lot about myself and relationships. its also been confusing, scary, worrisome, and blurry. i dont know whats going to happen. i figure first loves haunt you for the rest of your life.

  • alcohol
    i had my first drink this year in april. since then ive had a few drinks, just for social reasons. but ive realized that i dont like the way alcohol tastes because it tastes like cough syrup.

  • mis-travel
    i tried to visit z for spring break. but my weaksauce self freaked out when my flight was cancelled and just deciced to fly back home after travelling to chicago. needless to say, chicago has been added to my blacklist, along with sherman oaks. but i am determined to make it to providence one day!

  • road trip 2004
    wonderful experience! i love the feeling of being on an open road. and im glad the trip did not wound my relationships. i loved zerninating.

  • confidence does not have to be arrogance
    i finally witnessed someone who is confident and strong without being cocky and arrogant.

  • new slang
    i incorporated some not-so-polite words into my vocabulary. and have an easier time letting others come out of my mouth. i guess i moved passed my self-induced regulation of words.

  • becoming myself
    im letting go. of the perfection. of the seriousness (kinda). of the discomfort. i feel refreshed, relieved, and stronger. im realizing who i am and who ive always been but who i want to become. im learning what i need and trying to implement. im tired of being afraid to be myself.

    goodbye 2004. thank you for everything.

    thank god i found you

  • Thursday, December 30, 2004

    so mothers be good to your daughters too

    four days of minivan driving, great food eating, and crazy shopping are now over. i am worn out from my first roadtrip. but 700+ miles later, i am quite happy.

    there was something so perfect about how the world felt when i was behind the wheel. and something striking about the serenity within me when we spent our 3rd day in berkeley, walking down telegraph, shopping at urban, and buying top dog.

    i loved hearing from v, the grand storyteller, about the person my brother is and the adventures they go through nowadays. i laughed at how my brother was cargo in bruce's truck driving back from san francicso. i pranced when z and i were skating in the rain.

    i will remember the minivan sandwich caravan with l's s10 in the middle. i will not forget the fish burrito from the sinaloa taco truck in fruitvale. i will cherish the long goodbye that we shared before going to sanjo. i will always appreciate my brother's hospitality and love. i will fondly remember this roadtrip with my best friend.

  • dum guy.
  • why mess with the rest when you can have the best?
  • the difference between boys and men is...
  • [old raspy voice] piece of...
  • [robot arms] hi, my name is...
  • do-e
  • interesTING
  • nina/rider
  • don't be jealous. get surgery.

    what part of no dont you understand?

  • Monday, December 27, 2004

    i need a soldier

    well not really. but that song is repeating in my head. doh!

    our drive up to oakland went well. a bit slow. but nice. considering the dust storm and the rain. it was classic though because when it was my turn to drive, "Breakaway" started playing and i felt ready to fly.

    it was hard leaving. like it always is when i travel. i always get this nagging feeling telling me "don't go. you're leaving so much behind. you're gonna miss your bed and your comforts and everything you know." but right before falling asleep, i just had a thought. about how some people are not attached to anything. so i thought, "well if they dont get attached, i wont be attached."

    i guess most of the time, im just about the most negative person you'll meet. but hopefully, you'd love me the same. because im really only negative when it comes to myself. not you. ill support you the best i can and encourage you to do the greatest job!

    so, anyway, i lost my coolness factor. we rented a minivan for the trip. but hey, its cool. cuz it has all these cool functions. keeps me playing and tinkling. i will master that vehicle by the time we part.

    i gets no love and i thought you knew it.

    Sunday, December 26, 2004

    can you keep up?

    today is christmas. and i was so afraid of it. because i thought that i would spend it alone because things have changed. i thought that everything associated with xmas would break my heart. and it did for a while. until i opened up and just let it do what it usually does to me: fill me with mirth and peace. i walked with the spirit when i shopped for my loved ones. i sat with open arms when we opened up presents. and i basked in the love that i was surrounded with...

    i know sometimes we have rules in our mind. and we try to stick to them. we try to build these walls that show that we're doing the right thing in logical terms. but rules arent always the right way to go. well, at least for me now. i could have listened to my mind and the ways in which it wants me to behave. but if i did, i wouldnt really be uyen. because i operate through my heart and all that is illogical, the beautiful chaos and mess that it is. but within that disaster, i find strength to live and when i follow my heart, i am at the most peace.

    so i didnt stay away. we exchanged presents. and i know that the chase may be gone. but doesnt the comfort, the home-feeling come when you dont have to figure out where you stand with someone? [btw, im not attacking, z] ah, who knows? but if things fall apart after all this, its all good. no regrets cause i followed my heart.

    i wanna know what you're all about it.

    Thursday, December 23, 2004

    we'll all float on

    i just let myself go, getting washed up in the waves of my own emotions. and i lose grasp of everything and everyone for those seconds of pure living, those moments when i cry my heart out. although it sounds painful, it is refreshing and empowering. it is the closest thing i have to heaven. or what i think of as heaven: somewhere you can just be whatever the hell you are.

    i hope you dance.

    Wednesday, December 22, 2004

    when the sun is up in a clear blue sky, you will act like a lover


    when the sky is gray and the rain comes down, you will run for cover

    Tuesday, December 21, 2004

    es que me gusta tu risa

    i found these a while ago but lost them:

    * "don't cry because it ended; smile because it happened."
    * "a broken heart still beats."

    thought they were empowering, although they are trying. so let's empower ourselves together.

    someday, somehow, im gonna make it all right but not right now.

    Monday, December 20, 2004

    one half wants me to go, one half wants me to stay

    faves of 2004

  • resolution: try new things.
    in fact, i think i like it so much, ill keep it as a resolution. im very happy that i went to my first club, swung at the batting cages, went back into the ocean after an 11 year hiatus, drove around getting lost, and so much more!
  • hangout spot: beach
    this year, the beach and i got closer, especially because of my daytime excursions and swims/wadings.
  • movie in theatre: garden state
    i thoroughly enjoyed the main message: everything is apart of life and its better to be living through all the crap and joy than to be numb. besides, the soundtrack was amazing.
  • album: transatlanticism by death cab for cutie
    this album described how i felt this year. musically it was compelling. lyrically it was powerful.
  • movie on dvd: eternal sunshine of the spotless mind
    what can i say? i am a sucker for vulnerability and this movie was pouring with fragility and frailty. dizzily enthralling.
  • adventure: lisa k's birthday surprise
    wouldn't you love getting lost on the 91 only to wind up somewhere for a few minutes in death silence just to rush back to a carl's jr to change for a surprise dinner? exactly.
  • purchase: white jack purcell's for $5.99.
  • book: dont sweat the small stuff
    reminds me to be simple. flexible.
  • vacation/trip: to the bay area in may
    it was the only trip i completed. doh!
  • drink: slurpee/fruity breezy thing at d&B's
    slurpees make me happy because they remind me of the joys of childhood. and that drink was tasty from d&b's. if only i could remember what it was.
  • eat: tiramisu from steamer's cafe
    yummy. best ive ever had.
  • holiday: valentine's day/memorial day weekend
    vday: i was surprised out of my backpack after my spanish class. mday: it was interesting. and scary. and sweet.
  • class: conflict resolution
    so applicable to life. so helpful.
  • lesson learned: communication takes courage
    a lot of it!

    ill be back later. i have a date with a sassy girl!

    this fire is out of control

  • Sunday, December 19, 2004

    if its wrong to love you, then my heart just wont let me be right

    the holiday season is everywhere. and as the purchases and presents increase towards the 25th, i seek some meaning beyond the material. it feels like my golden birthday, when i sought to find some meaning beyond the desire to hear people say "happy birthday" or to receive presents. then, i found my meaning in celebrating life. now, i think ill find christmas to mean surrounding myself with loved ones. and hopefully that will be enough. more than enough.

    id give my all for your love tonight.

    Saturday, December 18, 2004

    get out, right now

    these past 2 weeks i have not taken care of myself. slept too late. didn't drink enough water. too much stress. so here's to 3 weeks of care.

    get home safe, y'all.

    happy holidays to you

    Tuesday, December 14, 2004

    i cant do everything. but i'd do anything for you.

    I am who I am and cannot change this.

    Friday, December 10, 2004

    don't know how you met me, you don't know why you cant turn around and say goodbye

    the good news is...
  • i realized beautiful late spring-like days in the middle of a cold autumn make me happy.
  • i miss wearing my flip flops
  • i like my toes now

    the bad news is...
  • i feel like im forgetting people
  • i read the lyrics to a song and felt sad
  • my feet are frozen from a walk.

    whistle while you work

  • Thursday, December 09, 2004

    i see right through you

    although the days seem dreary sometimes, it helps to think of the positive aspects. let me try for once, instead of appearing to be some chronic mild depressed person.

    today was funny because we arm wrestled at lunch. first, it was jessica and i. then it was phat and i, except he wanted to use 2 arms to pull the other towards them. huh? exactly. but still funny.

    yesterday was funny because mitzi, allison, and i randomly went to the mall to go shopping. and i totally got distracted and forgot to look for the one thing i was looking for. doh! still, fuuuunny. especially because allison had 2 papers and 1 presentation to work on. and i had a presentation and paper to work on. doh!

    excuse me, well ive been waiting in line

    to all the girls who have been screwed over by dumb boys

    who needs them anyway?

    no more telling your lies to more having to fuss or fight... no more thinking bout whatcha do

    Sunday, December 05, 2004

    once upon a time i was falling in love, now im only falling apart

    i think love, in its most agape form, is so powerful because you are in a place where you can rise above your own needs and self-interests for someone else. we all spend so much of our time walking this earth worried about watching out for our own backs and it makes the experience so lonely. we're so cautious and paranoid that someone is gonna screw us over that we end up isolating ourselves, ultimately cutting ourselves off. but with agape love, love so prevalent in most families, we never feel alone, even when we've had the hugest fight or had a traumatic experience. the peope we think of first are those who have sacrificed and loved us no matter what was happening or what we were doing.

    i give myself to thee not because i am weak but because i am strong enough to love you

    Friday, December 03, 2004

    without you here, there is less to say

    the awful truth is that i am not ready to let go. i am still holding on. shaped by my experiences and attachment. i feel like i was "unfairly" ripped away from someone so it doesnt feel like he's gone. im in denial but confused at the same time. what happened?

    but the more i hold on, the more i hurt and the more he hurts. i should let him go because he obviously had to go. i should let go so that he can fly away. and maybe one day, we'll meet again. be together once more.

    in the meantime, i can only grieve and find a way to move on with my life.

    may your soul be at peace.

    never had i imagined living without your smile

    Thursday, December 02, 2004

    how can i wake up tomorrow?

    i know now that i have wings. they are apart of me. desiring to be exercised.

    maybe life is a slow process of going mad, and when you die, it all makes sense.

    help me, rhonda