Tuesday, November 26, 2002

Nope. I feel like crying. Do not come in. I cannot handle any guests right now. As soon as my presentation is over, maybe. At least I will be able to unwind. And do my paper. But I am sad. I am currently trying to be positive, more constructive, and supportive of myself. But it is difficult.

I thought that I could sleep and it would be okay. But I woke up feeling worse. Apparently when I was busy sleeping, I could not think about all the things I ended up thinking about when I was awake. So what now? Where does that leave me? I feel like it is over. I feel that it has to end. That it has only been holding me back, holding everyone back. And although I do not want to let go, I feel as though I have no choice. I have been trying to let go, but I have forgotten to breathe again. Some unconscious desire to drown in decadence. To be safe in my comfort.

Did I ever tell you that I do not believe in afterlife? So whenever I talk about death, I speak of it as though it is final. That there will only be decomposition of my body and then that is it. I know that could completely negate the presence of a soul. But what if that really does not exist?

Friday, November 22, 2002

Tonight I feel like crying. Something hurts inside. But I do not know what. So I do not cry. I should have read today for my paper. But I still had a good day and a good night. Maybe I should be asleep by now.

I hope he is not mad at me. I do not know why he would be but I just thought that.

I should not have had that burger. But it was In N Out. For free. Ah, I am playing tennis tomorrow. It will go away, I hope.

Look, here I am. Why am I here the way I am feeling in so much physical pain? Maybe I should take myself to a doctor. Why have I stopped trying in Spanish? Why did I let myself get so behind in sociology. I wish I was strong enough tonight to be as overcoming as I was last night. Let me try.

The stars shine down for me tonight, guiding me and trying to lead me to my path. I am nervous, but they solace me, whispering softly in the wind that the life I live can only be lived each day when I choose it. Quietly, the pain in my heart and body ease away as the comforting voices lull me into a sweet slumber.

Perhaps this night will save me from falling into the depths. Perhaps I will catch myself from falling, in order to save my life from wasting away.

Amazing how sweet you sound.

Tuesday, November 19, 2002

I do not know what I am doing anymore. Lost. I should sit down and figure out what I want out of my life. Wandering without a focus, there I go with the randomness again.

Maybe you need me. Maybe you do not. Did you ever tell me honestly to my face? Maybe it should not matter if you do or not. Because such information could hinder me. But maybe the interdependent webs are one of the most crucial parts of society. However, there is only some extent that that need is healthy. It cannot be overbearing and dangerous. Causing someone to fear losing their life. Or the other's.

Well I've been afraid of changing cuz I've built my life around you. But time makes you bolder and children get older. And I'm getting older too.

What is next for me to ravage?

It is about that time to start the shopping for others. It is about that time. Who?
> Elizabeth > Zerlina > Andrew > UG > Lilly > Joann > Doni > Jenny > Raymond > Allison > Jessica > Sammi > Cassie > Thien > Bob > Mom > Dad

Positive. Constructive. Supportive.

Monday, November 11, 2002

To this day, I've never found someone with eyes as wide as yours...

Maybe if you were taking all this medication, you would be upset. For one thing, you would have to take it 4 times a day! Second, you would be exhausted by the lack of results. Sighness... I need more water.

The food made me happy. Extremely. I got my burrito. I got my egg roll. I got my salad and fruit. I got my potato. And I got my cookie. Hehehehe...I am glad that I did not get more.

Remember non-connecting boy that finally talked to me but stopped? He took my salad and my fruit. And I tied his tie once, with a double Windsor knot. Strange.

Did you notice that I was afraid? I thought I'd run out of things to say.

Raymond wants to hang out. Perhaps that will happen this weekend. Funness. He is fun. I must tell him the story. Like I do to Pilipino (who is going to help me be more creative). Maybe Raymond will want to meet UG too...HAHA!

No sbustance. I know. But environmental was fun.

So I did not have Veteran's Day off; it's expected. However, that affects my interaction with the normal world. When I took Elle to the bank, we realized it was closed and we freaked out. Only to remember that public institutions are closed. Ha!

I need to go study now. Where is my music?

And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet...

Friday, November 08, 2002

They keep telling him how stupid he was for breaking up with me. He is getting sick of hearing it now.

Funny how peer groups can completely affect your attitudes or behaviors or both.

I spoke up in Sociology and Psychology. I was on a role. I wonder why.

I would be there everytime you need me.

I am sleepy. All week I have deprived myself. I must go now. I must be off.

Please do not fear. Substance shall come soon. I hope.

Por el futuro...

Don't worry I'll catch you.

Monday, November 04, 2002

I would do anything for UG. And he would do anything for his one friend. He wants to take care of him and do things for him. Isn't it funny how we do not match? It's not a big deal. I just wonder what that means? I wonder if that difference would lead me astray.

Let's face it. I still feel for UG, more so than ever before. Enhanced by building his bed with him. Enhanced by sharing music together during a soft and memorable night. My feelings continue. But should they? Why do I doubt that it is a good thing? I have been reinforced to fear something so I have doubt. Even though, I am well floating in non-title world, what if he doesn't think that? What if he is merely happy that we have nothing serious even though it's serious?

He said we should go somewhere. I reminded him tonight. He said, "I don't know how to be in those situations. I can't treat you like a friend but I can't treat you like a girlfriend."

I get sad sometimes. And I do not know why. I am hungry. I am wearing his pj's. The ones he let me borrow. I know he loves me and that I love him. But love is not enough. I long for days of warmth, connection, and mutualism. I wonder if he needs me. I wonder if I need him.

So long for dreams might lessen the strain existing in my mind now.

Sunday, November 03, 2002

Whoa, trippy!

My Existing Situation

Conflict and dissatisfaction of one sort or another enforce the need for the compensations indicated by the + group

My Stress Sources

An existing situation or relationship is unsatisfactory, but she feels unable to change it to bring about the sense of belonging which she needs. Unwilling to expose her vulnerability, she therefore continues to resist this state of affairs, but feels dependent on the attachment. This not only depresses her. but makes her irritable and impatient, producing considerable restlessness and the urge to get away from the situation, either actually or, at least, mentally. Ability to concentrate may suffer.

My Strained Characteristics

Feels that she is receiving less than her share and that there is no one on whom she can rely for sympathy and understanding. Pent-up emotions and a certain egocentricity make her quick to take offense, but she realizes that she has to make the best of things as they are.
Willing to become emotionally involved and able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity, but tries to avoid conflict.

My Desired Objective

Her need to feel more causative and to have a wider sphere of influence makes her restless and she is driven by her desires and hopes. May try to spread her activities over too wide a field.

My Actual Problem

Anxiety and restless dissatisfaction, either with circumstances or with unfulfilled emotional requirements, have produced stress. She feels misunderstood, disoriented, and unsettled. This drives her into a search for new conditions or relationships, in the hope that these might offer greater contentment and peace of mind.

Want some of that?