Nope. I feel like crying. Do not come in. I cannot handle any guests right now. As soon as my presentation is over, maybe. At least I will be able to unwind. And do my paper. But I am sad. I am currently trying to be positive, more constructive, and supportive of myself. But it is difficult.

I thought that I could sleep and it would be okay. But I woke up feeling worse. Apparently when I was busy sleeping, I could not think about all the things I ended up thinking about when I was awake. So what now? Where does that leave me? I feel like it is over. I feel that it has to end. That it has only been holding me back, holding everyone back. And although I do not want to let go, I feel as though I have no choice. I have been trying to let go, but I have forgotten to breathe again. Some unconscious desire to drown in decadence. To be safe in my comfort.

Did I ever tell you that I do not believe in afterlife? So whenever I talk about death, I speak of it as though it is final. That there will only be decomposition of my body and then that is it. I know that could completely negate the presence of a soul. But what if that really does not exist?