Wednesday, December 31, 2003

the decision to make this blog known to people was a quick decision, although it took a long time to make. i always felt like it was easier to write in this blogspot because i knew who was looking at it. so i knew what i could and should say. but im so detached from the stuff i use to disclose that when i wondered whether or not i should continue writing in spanish on a blog, i figured it made sense to have two. so here i am. you who never really knew this blog existed. it did and it has. i may switch this one to spanish. but for now, itll be english.

wishes for 2004
  • be more positive.
  • try many, new things.
  • listen to happier music.
  • have my family as a solid foundation in my life.
  • write. more.
  • keep in touch with mexico.
  • finish my scrapbook.
  • pick up a sport, old or new.
  • hang out with jennyp more
  • balance words and actions in my relationships.
  • call zerlinaw regularly.
  • be in control of my emotions.

    there is a lot ahead of me. i know if i dont stop being so unconfident, i will get really messed up. i already am. my lack of confidence is at the root of many of my problems and flaws. but i cant just wake up and be confident.

    some people in the world i just have a connection with on some level: emotional, mental, physical. and it makes me smile and laugh to think about how amazing it is to find people in your life who you become sibling-tight with in a matter of days, people with which you dont have any crap to dig through or plow over in order to be close with. and i know that the people who i still feel connected to after thousands of miles and months of absence are my friends. straight up.

    big ups to, in alphabetical order, allisonr, andrewr, bobn, donik, elizabethd, jessicaw, joanny, kevenw, lillyc, lisak, mindyl, minhn, thienn and zerlinaw. you rock!

  • Tuesday, December 30, 2003

    okay. here goes. putting aside all the crack and puff. words that spew directly and honestly.

    i complain a lot. i am quite pessimistic. when i get emotional, i cant see any logic. im a sheltered person, who is tapping on her egg shell. i like to write and have been for quite some time.

    someone once told me, recently, that i should be an actress; i dont know why. i try to get to know someone when i first meet them, unless there are language barriers or situational factors against me. i ask a lot of favorite-type questions; maybe i wonder what they are passionate about, the way i used to get when someone asked me who my favorite band was and i used to animatedly describe save ferris. i like to feel wanted; i always used to butt into my brothers' lives, desperately trying to mean something. deep conversations make most of my relationships, but i miss action and initiative; i wouldnt mind spicing it up every so often. i am human and flawed, with my hypocrisy and tendency to bottle up feelings, but i am also the most me kind of person you will ever meet. dont be surprised if you find yourself acting a bit more nice around me than normal; it happens to the best of them. i just started trying new things, like different menu choices at old restaurants. i think im a cat person, unless you are boris, the best dog in the world. politics puzzle me and i am still surprised when i think of how corrupt it all is. music is probably the best and most loyal friend ive had my entire life, but that doesnt mean that it has been completely beneficial. when people try to convert me, inadvertently showing me that they believe their religion is better, i feel weird and become unable to become good friends with them. sometimes, i spend a significant amount of time online, wondering what else i could have done with my time. time makes me nervous, especially when i feel like vacation time is almost over, even 8 weeks ahead of the end. i need fundamentals to be the same in order to get along with someone. i dont think i could ever date unless i had more confidence or if guys werent so good at disappearing. i dont feel natural in front of a camera but fall into some preconceived role of how i should be or look. every time i walk into a craft store, i want to make everything but dont because i dont know how and dont really want to put aside the time and effort to learn it. i get really happy when lizp and i have conversations online because they are in straight up spanish.

    i am cynical and bitter. i yell only at kids who make me angry or perhaps only at people who arent listening. i wash between my toes every time i shower and dislike not washing my hair everyday. earlier tonight, my belly was the size of winnie the pooh's; i was quite disappointed in myself and my cookie conduct.

    mis rosas para mi

    Monday, December 29, 2003

    its weird how we change slightly even though we hardly change at all. and how noticeable it is when you pass a considerable amount of time without seeing another person before you see them again.

    and you know its a true friendship when things are okay. and because of the fact that you did spend time together. that in itself says a great deal.

    how i am grateful for that.

    happy music. creative writing class. exercise. trying new things.

    careful not to break you. fearing conversation. its better just to hold you and keep your pacified.

    Tuesday, December 23, 2003

    i change and so do things around me.

    its ben almost 7 years since i last saw that girl, one who was a fly in my cake. for all that time, i had no interest in seeing her and being reminded of what she represented: a manipulative, bad friend. but now, after coming back from being infected by boredom and a bit of adventure, i am ready and willing to cross paths with her again. i dont have intentions of spending time with her and becoming friends again, but i want to let go of whatever resentment i have against her and move on.

    i just want to move on and stop caring about the things i used to care about.

    there's gotta be more to life than chasing out every temporary high to satisfy me.