Status Report for 19 August:

I feel yucky inside.

At school tonight, there was a talent show. And our Hawaiian Club performed. And I was talking to someone about one of the dancers: how he has grown up and matured so much since his relationship with his girlfriend. Once the performance finished, he kissed her on the head.

And I just felt sad.

To watch such an act made my heart long. For sweet little moments.

And the more my heart longs, the more I realize what I truly want. And the more I hurt inside, knowing that I cannot get such things from the source I want it to come from. And the more my heart longs alone, the more it feels alone in this world. I worry because I am not sure how I feel anymore. I have not been able to hold on. And it feels like it is slipping away from me.

Maybe that will affect me and in turn affect him.

But ultimately, if he knew what I wanted and he was not in a position to give it to me, he would let me go so I could find it. Because that is what he would do. He would not make it work. He would let me find happiness somewhere else. Because he does not know how much I long to have it from him. He would never understand that. And I could never tell him that. It is not one of those things that you speak of. It just sits inside of you. Consuming your heart and ravishing it.

And I don't feel that I have the right connections with people at school that allow me to feel truly apart of them. What I want or need from them feels like an obligation so I hold back. I do not allow myself to let them be here for me. And if I do, it is the same people I turn to. After awhile, I feel that I am wasting too much of their time. So I stop going to them.

But I fear that my heart is also running away from its abode. I feel like all my friendships are slipping out of my hands. And it has only been a bit over a week since I have last had contact with someone. I think this year is going to be quite hard.

I do not feel like I am a part of any place, any home, or any heart.