you see everything

i get attached quickly. i tend to have a lot of friendships that are close in the very beginning but over time, they gradually fade. i dont know what happens. i think i crave physical proximity because it makes me feel safe and loved, maybe. but when that is cut off, the emotional proximity that built up slowly distances itself too. so in the end, i feel lonely. or maybe, i just feel lonely all the time, masked by busy days and nights.

i think ive given up on happiness. its too high maintenance. too hard to maintain. too fleeting. i think im gonna try peace.

i realized that even though my brother and i arent what i wished we could be, im glad he's my brother because we dont hate each other (knock on wood) and he doesnt purposely try to screw my life up. so im grateful. for both of my brothers, even though i always give them a hard time for not letting me hang out with them when we were kids. we're family. there will always be that invisible bond, you know?

so seriously, i have all these expectations for my "the boy" and im not even conscious of them. so i feel unsatisfied a lot. what's wrong with me? argh... they say marriage takes compromise and im starting to agree. i think if my husband compromises, i might be able to accept him for everything he is and is not. but unfortunately (or fortunately), im not married. haha. haha. i dont get it either. i still dont get the relationship thing and im not good at it. man...experience doesnt help cuz every relationship is so different and particular. you can't master them. you can only master yourself. but that is something beyond my abilities now...

maybe ill just play mixed doubles and smile prettily. maybe i cant do anything else but stand and look nice. ::sigh::

this post is a downer. sorry.

my passive-aggressiveness can be devastating.