i used to believe in something. i thought it was sure. i thought it was solid. but right now, this burning cavern is taking up its permanence in my heart and i don't know what to believe anymore. maybe it's a mental blind to keep me from treading back where i came from. i've come so far. or maybe it's lifting the covers that blinded me.

buffy scared me so much last night. i totally wanted to cry at every moment. i think it's because i figured out the parallel between buffy and i. so somehow, i have to believe inside that i can continue fighting, even when i have no answers, even when i am beyond exhaustion, and the scales seem in favor of the other. i need to find the courage to keep myself in battle. i fell last night (and yesterday for that matter). but i must garner the strength to get up and keep fighting. armed with my weapons, i am no sitting duck. i have my heart, i have my ears, i have my mind. i can do this. i'm gonna find each one of them and rip out each and every heart. there is only one thing stronger than them and that's me.

they want an apocolypse? i'll give them one.