Death

Yes, death is the exact word that I'd like to use right now.

I just got home. From a lonely night. Everywhere I went, I felt alone. Even when people were surrounding me. That is the worse feeling. I would rather have been all by myself and lonely, than with people around me. That just goes to show me that I was unable to connect with people all night.

The bit of excitement I did have came from my obsession. I went again and looked at some more magazines. For those brief moments flipping through the pages, imagining my own wedding successfully ending, I felt that comfort and security I have been waiting for for all of my life. The sweet taste of its purity and life on my tongue, penetrating my sense of taste to heightened levels of delight. Yes, that is what my hidden obsession gives me.

After discussing marriage with a few friends of mine, I came to the realization that when a partner or the partners are somehow dependent on the other, then the marriage tends to last. There was a consensus that love alone cannot fuel a marriage. But I did not want to believe that economic reasons could. I wanted to believe that it was a combination of both and much more, like sacrifice and communication and trust. And that discussion made me think, maybe that is why couples who are only dating in high school do not last that long. Perhaps they are only based on feelings, which run away quickly without the cultivation of other aspects.

I would like to believe that I have the potential to have a lasting marriage some day, but I do not think that it is possible anymore. My dreams are being crushed by the observations that I have made about men, about my boyfriend, and about myself. I can feel my dreams slowly decaying into the bitter taste of cynicism and skepticism and despair. That which can "ravage" me. Which will leave me bitter and resentful. Of everything that will ever remind me of marriage and two people sharing their lives together legally, something that binds them further into staying together. Is that what love is supposed to be? A contract of two bodies that have assets and egos that clash endlessly? Maybe if love was never found in marriages it would be better for the world. Love could then preserve its true power.

I am powerless. I am without love. Incapable of feeling it. Incapable of sharing it. But forever yearning for it.

Death. Need we say more?