thebff and i had been wanting to rewatch "the notebook" to see if it was as bad as we thought. and though it was pretty sappy and cheesy and i could live without the last bed scene, it had a surprising lesson for me that was summed up in noah's last letter to allie. here it is:

"My Dearest Allie. I couldn't sleep last night because I know that it's over between us. I'm not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. That's what I hope to give to you forever. I love you. I'll be seeing you. Noah"

i knew i had to move on and let go of everything. but i felt torn between continuing to look back the way i had been and traveling down a new path with potentially happier or sadder moments. but a friend said it best when she told me: "he's obviously a huge part of your life still, but the fact is, he's not there anymore."

i really want to get to the point where i can stop being bitter: at him, at me, at timing, at the world. i want forgiveness to fill me so i can stop carrying around the pain and the hurt. i want to stop hoping for an opportunity to know if it was real or not. i want to be truly happy if i ever saw him again.