i visited one of the teachers at my former site, a friend. and while we had lunch, she told me about everything that was going on. and it was crazy. as usual. but one of the things she told me about is a theme that has been plaguing my thoughts lately.

the students that i used to work with have had to deal with a lot of adversity. many times the people who were supposed to take care of them disappeared and at a young age, it was hard to deal with. so they've grown up untrusting and keeping people at bay so that they don't have to get so hurt.

but it made me remember some of my friend's situations, and how they met super cool people and really want to keep them in their lives. but it doesn't always seem to happen the way you want.

so even as adults, it's hard to lose people. the ones who make you feel human. and who you take for granted... because you think he'll be around. but then one day, he falls off your radar or ties get cut off and you're sad. lost. empty. and there's really nothing you can do, even after months when you catch him standing across the street from you. and you've dreamed of that moment. and your heart swells. with memories and hopes and possibilities. but "a breath between [you] could be miles," (sarah mclachlan, "i love you.") and then he's gone as quickly as he came into sight. and you're left with only your disappointment and an engulfing sadness that swallows you whole the way a blazing brush fire in the middle of southern california's santa ana winds claims the hills around it. your breaths shorten and as you drive away, you can't think straight. and the circles you drive are the ones that are spinning inside of your head. while the music drifts into your ears. and "the tears in [your] eyes burn," (bob marley, "waiting in vain"), sliding down your cheek. every distraction is futile. every tear a reminder of each memory you should be letting go of.

i went to the cafe that we went to last year. and ordered stracchiatella for old times sake and blood orange for new beginnings. i walked over to the fountain and found the bench we sat at. and ate my gelato. and though many would have seen it as masochistic, it was me paying my respects to something that meant a great deal to me. something i probably won't ever get over. but will find a way to live with symbiotically.

and though i was, and am, still sad, one day it will all make sense.

ur hard to get over.