i know that bigger things are happening in the world right now: 22,000 people found dead in Myanmar after a deadly cyclone, at least 10,000 dead in the aftermath of a 7.8 earthquake in China...the list goes on!

but something burns inside of me tonight, a deep desire to reach out to you and make you feel exactly what i am feeling. somehow opening up and finding the right words. that will evoke the precise sentiments beating in my chest.

yet, a huge wall restricts me: a fear of being honest. i remember the last time i tried to express myself and how it backfired on me. and i ran far and away, hiding under my covers from the humiliation that would not leave me alone. and i vowed not to expose myself again.

that's the tricky thing though. creating and writing are subject to criticism and misinterpretation, and although i have written for a huge part of my life, i have hardly let my writing be judged; i hardly had an audience. so maybe i'll dedicate myself to working on "tender scrawls" so i can reach my 2009 deadline and finally open myself and my writing up. it'll be good for my ego. hopefully, i'll learn to take criticism.

so i bid you adieu, as i attempt one last time tonight to "study" for bio.

what was the feeling that i so desperately wanted you to feel?

tonight, i am sad.

can you feel it?