these days, when i wipe my eyes and nose with tissue, it is not for my dissatisfaction in relationships or arguments had with a close other.

these days, i cry because of my immobility, my lack of purpose, my feelings of inadequacy. i cry because i feel lame when i hear where others are going or are. i cry because there is an empty feeling inside of me for everything i have lost. i cry because i wonder "should i have left hawaii?" i cry because i am someone's last hope and i don't want to be. i cry when i look up jobs to pay the bills and cannot see anything i can do. i cry because i am afraid.

and then i go into bed. and hope that if i am meant to, i will wake up in the morning. and i will. and then i go another day lackluster and dull, making my mother sad because i am not happy and she sees it. when i run out of tissues, i throw out the empty box and whip out a new one. because i will need it.

not to say that any of this is justified. or that anyone should feel sorry for me.

it is just how i feel. right now.