It appears that most of my relationships with males are unfulfilling. If it isn't discomfort physically, then it's mentally or emotionally or psychologically. Many of the relationships I have have recently been analyzed to determine what in the nature of the relationship is unsatisfying. I believe that many of my relationships with men have gone wrong because of my initial relationship with a male: my father. Our relationship is ravaged with discomfort and coldness, along with a vast gap between dialogue and discussion. I've been trying to work things out. But it's been extremely hard. He doesn't seem to want to work it out. But I still have to keep going at it. If I don't, I'll never be happy. Back to my other relationships, I seem to look for my ideal father in them. Because I wasn't able to get that from my own father. But they can never live up to that. Because they just aren't my father. And they can never be.

And I have to admit that I feel an emotional disparity between him and myself. I wish it was okay for me to feel and for him to feel and for us to feel together. But I don't think he can handle that. He's revealed that he is uncomfortable with it. I wish I could just say to him, "I want you to be okay with emotions. And I know it's hard. But are you willing to work on it?" I want him to be willing to change, unlike my father. I want him to be all that I want.

But I'm just being selfish. If he doesn't want to change or be what I want, I should accept him or leave him. But that is not what I want; I don't want to leave. I wonder why...why I feel that I want to only be with him? Why I feel like he's the one? Like I say, he is just who I need in my life right now. It is up to me to figure out why and to learn from it.