im tired of this distance

i can feel the stress weighing me down these days, as i pull my heavy feet along in the last leg of this college race. i think i have a heavy heart too. but i can't even tell anymore. the blur of jpsp articles, capstone proposals, attachment theory notes, paper products in the supply room at work, and liters upon liters of water has me so disoriented that im not even trying to clarify anymore. like ive given up once more.

the other day, while standing in line at the voting polls, i looked around and realized how much ive grown up and how close i am to adulthood: career path, marriage, car payments, children? i thought of how close it all is but how i do not want to reach it yet. i think im trying to avoid it for as long as possible but i dont know why. perhaps that annoying fear of the unknown bit? yes, it is scary to imagine me married or working 40 hours a week.

in honor of vienna teng, here are some lyrics.

"she says 'I need not to need
or else a love with intuition
someone who reaches out to my weakness and won't let go'
...
reach out
but hold back.
where is safety?"

feeling someone's hand around my neck