because of you i never stray too far from the sidewalk

the big problem is that my emotions make me very selfish and self-centered (they are self-focusing). and i can't see what i'm doing, rather i see what other people are doing to me. so i do that thing where you blame external things...(sorry, allison, i know you always tried to teach me to internalize).

*sometimes i'm afraid of these moments of clarity 'cause maybe things are going to end soon. but i must continue...

without a purpose, you feel lost and sometimes worthless. and then you roam around looking for a purpose. but you can't just stumble upon a purpose without doing anything. which is a double-edged sword. like confidence. so then you feel more lost and more worthless, and it's more than likely that you take it out on those you feel closest too.

turns out that i am the thing that i was afraid of being: ungrateful towards my parents. i didn't really see everything they've done for me and given me as a sign of love because it wasn't what i saw as love. herein lies the problem: when you can't see what another person sees. i don't really understand my parents and they don't really understand me so we haven't been able to decipher love and its many forms. how do you start? where do you begin? how do you establish a connection after knowing nothing but disconnection?

so what is it i need, because i obviously have everything i want and more? is there a way to ensure not feeling lonely? as a child, i fought the loneliness of not having play pals by following my mom around or listening to music or pretending i was interacting with people (i used to play store and library by myself). i also didn't worry at night because i slept in the same room as my mom for like 8 years. as i got older, i busied myself with homework so that i didn't have time to think of loneliness. when i went to college, i slept better knowing that there was always someone who i could go find, even if i hardly did. but now, all the luxuries are gone and im left with the internet and a few local friends for solace. every day i battle this big, looming enemy. sometimes i am stronger and more distracted. other days, i am buried in loneliness's wrath. but i know that unloneliness is a lot to ask for.

when i'm hurting, i'm not nice.

can't you just be here?

because of you i learned to stay on the safe side so i don't get hurt