i don't drink coffee. i don't like the taste or the way the aroma lulls me to sleep. so even when i wake up and i'm falling back asleep, i don't drink coffee.

but lately, i've stumbled upon vitamin water. some days are tough and i need to focus. or other days i don't have enough energy to make it through all the student drama. or my body needs to revive itself in order to throw myself all over the volleyball courts. this week, my body's defense system is down so i'm inhaling the vitamin c and zinc. i feel like it helps me. i wonder if it's just the placebo effect.

funny what honesty and clear, open communication can do for you and any relationship you are in. of course, i had to learn the hard way.

you all know what a cryptic person i am. out of some primordial need to belong and be liked, i've built up these unusually high walls that only allow certain bits of information out that i deem worthy or right for a situation. it is me working to figure out what could help make an interaction better. but what i've learned is you can't know what's "right." and you don't have to. it's so much extra work playing out a situation and what repercussions your choices will have. in addition to not wanting any conflict to arise, i become this bumbling mess who retreats to allow the feelings and concerns to simmer, hoping that the issue will never come up again.

but what use is that?

i know when someone's interaction with me is slightly different, i wonder what happpened and what i did wrong. i figure it must have been me that made them treat me differently. and this isn't even after an exchange of nasty words. it's just my interpretation of behavior.

so if i'm that bad without conflict, you can imagine how intense my worry and concerns are when there is an issue.

i know. stop living inside my head. i see it. but it's difficult to break a behavior. i'm not saying i'm not going to try. but it has to start with the root: why do i feel like sweeping an issue under the rug is better than leaving it out to be? i used to think it spared feelings, and in my head, spared feelings = good. but what i've learned lately is avoiding conflict shows low concern for self and others. and i don't want to be the kind of person who makes things worse.

so, thanks for listening to me rant.