some of my recent scans.

family portrait.









1997. shs volleyball banquet.









tina.

i got my first paycheck! and as is custom, i'm going to take my parents out to dinner! what's on the menu? roy's! i want butterfish. and i want to be reminded of hawai'i.

i just made it through my first 3 days at my new job at girls incorporated. this is the first time that i have worked in 9 months so it has been a bit of an interesting transition. i am trying to remember how to relate with youth, particularly an all female group, in addition to getting used to a structured day, meeting new people, and learning new rules and ways. i am actually super rusty; it has been difficult to communicate what i need to get across, figure out what i need to do, and motivate the students. i hope i can get it together soon.

but on the positive side, i have my own e-mail address and there are business cards being printed for me, though the business cards seem a bit much for me. we also spent this afternoon at adventure playground where we sailed down water slides and rolled around in mud. yes, mud! when we returned, my fellow cohort was surprised for her birthday and then there was a surprise bridal shower for another co-worker. lots to celebrate!

and the other day while driving to work, a butterfly came out from underneath the car in front and flew around my car. i hope that is a sign! :)

"i loved him. but sometimes two people who really love each other have, well...they have an uncanny knack of making each other miserable." -
- conversations with other women

another night, another trip to the beach. but this evening included leaps and cartwheels, giggling and listening to stories, and getting a great deal of exercise for one day!

during a long evening of crying last night, a good friend helped me gain some perspective. mostly on letting myself be where i am at and feel what i feel. instead of, for example, feeling bad about being sad and forcing myself to be happy. or wanting one thing but doing another. so that when i awoke this morning and had the house to myself and my puffed up eyes, i only focused on that. no pressure to "get it together" or to "snap out of it." or hide the evidence of my crying from my mom.

before i knew it, i was immersed in 1.8 episodes of buffy when thebff called and asked if i still wanted to go to dance class. and i went. and it was good! and then the endorphins were floating and mixing with the caffeine from cha. and dinner was light and loving. and a walk on the sand was a must!

my new strategy: more doing, less analyzing. more processing, less avoiding.

i sat on the sand underneath the half moon watching the waves sparkle and glow as they rose and fell in the ocean. the stars were scattered all around me as the wind blew from the southwest.

on a normal night, i would have been dressed more warmly in addition to having my blanket for extra protection. but tonight, i was wearing summer shorts and a thin zip-up, a sign of the spontaneity of my trip. it did not matter too much; my mind was focused on something, unable to notice anything else. while the zephyr numbed my senses, my memory exploded.

...once upon a time, my soul was awakened, like a sunflower springing into full bloom. it was fully nourished and thus strong and magnanimous. music sounded from its core and happiness seeped from its petals. but one day, the sun went away and did not come back. left without its life source, my soul began to weaken, wither, and wilt. like a sunflower shriveling up into itself...

i have been trying to figure out the source of my recent sadness. and as i held myself against the onshore breeze, the darkness that swam around me held little answers. but i realized, maybe the blackness was actually emanating from within me projected onto my surroundings. and that was why i could not see.

when my tears dried up and my nose was stuffed beyond breathing, i gathered my thoughts and stepped into the warmth of the summer sea. the water soothed me and though i was nowhere closer to finding any answers, the shrinking of my soul was no longer painful. just a dull sort of annoying that would sit in the back burner till another episode came on. till then, i bid good night to the pacific.