all of the things that I want to say

so here's the thing. after my last post about not being totally hedonistic and then thinking about how all parents seem to worry, i realized that the best thing i can give my parents is peace of mind so that even if im in a crappy stage of life, i can't make them worry. i need to suck it up and make it seem like i'm okay, even if i feel like my life is falling apart. that's what they need so they can live for them.

dumb, why do emotions have to affect other people so darn much? couldn't i just cry and not make another person witnessing it feel bad? ah hah, if i start crying, i must leave the room. but that doesn't help either. argh...

just aren't coming out right

everybody here, get it out of control

i'm a very stubborn person and if i get an idea in my mind, i am quite persistent about it. sort of how i have to finish something i start, even if it is to my detriment. ill keep trucking forward, with that idea in my mind, unless someone knocks me over the head and tells me that it aint gonna work. even then, i might not listen. i have to know in my heart that it won't work.

my mom told me that she can't be happy because i always seem sad. my brother told me that i need to do what will make me happy. and sure, happiness is nice. but i'm not totally hedonistic. and i'm not afraid to hurt or be upset or be afraid or sad. it's gonna happen. i richly feel every emotion that comes my way and i won't stop something because it might hurt. the only real criteria i have for deciding whether something is worthwhile is whether or not i will grow from the experience and learn something.

and speaking of richly feeling, i have realized that love makes everything deeper, more intense. it makes sadness sadner and happiness so much happier. it makes the colors in the world more vivid. so if you're not into that deep stuff, maybe it's not for you...

get your backs off the wall

hold up

tonight was a night of firsts -- oh how i love those! i had dindin with the fellas, my first time at the fullerton souplantation. [clap] then i had my first taste of apple cobbler. [clap clap]. lastly, i watched my first sort-of episode of "sex in the city".

[sigh]

for such a sheltered child, i love my firsts!

i gotta get this off of my mind

you'll always be mine

now that i don't have school to keep me distracted, i have to face myself more or i find other distractions. sort of like in "as good as it gets" when carol's son is finally healthy and she doesn't have to worry about watching his fever or dust intake; she has to face her own problems and she doesn't want that reality.

cupid only misses sometimes

[sigh]

no one else will know these lonely dreams

i think my subconscious loves me; it keeps feeding me what i want but can't have when i'm conscious. like a hug. or the opportunity to say what i wouldn't normally say in a real-life situation but which makes the point i really want to say.

no one else will know that part of me

i went to get a trim and the stylist used a straightening iron, on my straight-as-straw hair!

the first fall rain

Now everytime I see you
I pretend I'm fine
When I wanna reach out to you
But I turn and I walk and I let it ride
Baby I must confess
We were bigger than anything
Remember us at our best
And don't forget about

Late nights, playin' in the dark
And wakin' up inside my arms
Boy, you'll always be in my heart
So don't forget about us

I'm just speaking from experience
Nothing can compare to your first true love
So I hope this will remind you
When it's for real, it's forever
So don't forget about us

Nothing comes close to
What we had, it perseveres
That we both can't forget it
How good we used to get it

There's only one me and you
And how we used to shine
No matter what you go through
We are one, that's a fact
That you can't deny
So baby we just can't let
The fire pass us by
Forever we'd both regret

Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go
No baby, no baby, no baby no
Don't baby, don't baby, don't let it go

When it's for real, it's forever
So don't forget about us.

i lose my way

so "everwood," the show, taught me that i musn't lie/keep the truth from those i love.

andy helped me realize that no one really knows what capstone is. and he showed me that bonds remain even though you haven't seen someone in a while.

communication is so difficult but essential. if i had communicated differently, if she had communicated differently, if he had, we might be better off.

sometimes a dream is covered up with obstacles and distractions, but if it's really a dream you believe in, you must keep striving until you find it realized.

and its not too long before you point it out

missy, missy, you do read this too chica. i am honored that we shall be having lunch tomorrow. i can't wait. "freedom's all around, dancing as we paint the town..."

to the new new yorker, thanks for listening to old anaheim problems. =) don't worry, you don't have to be like julia. and perhaps you will find that like pain, happiness has deep roots too.

baby i need your loving

every night that i floss before bed is truly a tribute to the best suitie i ever had. thank you for keeping my gums healthy. i miss your laugh but most of all i miss you!

bear hugs always remind me of the coolest 06er out there! we really must have that sleepover at lisa's soon, kay? within the month? are you done with midterms?

whenever i look at craigslist, i think of the girl who found the job before me. now all i am is motivated to get off my little behind, even if i end up severing my relationship with target to do it. i am proud of you, even if you throw in the towel by friday. =) a job is better than no job, right?

i talked to an old high school buddy and when i heard she was engaged, i thought of our little, engaged greytailily. aw, keep the magic alive and keep us posted on dates. ps: if those silly tie-wearing, old grumps didn't call you back, you don't need them! they don't deserve you.

japan this, japan that... i have 2 friends who are actually there so [sticks out tongue] whose cooler than all those pseudo-Japanese lovers? muhahha...hang in there and keep breaking the barriers.

do you read this thing too? why didn't you tell me? if i knew, i would have given you a shout-out too!

a lady is stuck in rhode island rain and dreariness and all my socal heart wants to do is run there and share my umbrella with her. don't fear, the sun has to peak out and when it does, you will be the first one jumping and screaming (in your own way, of course) to the sight of sun.

this lady who had meds and red bull tonight does a great job supporting me through my over-analyses and weak moments. so i loved the chance to be there for her tonight! although maybe the substances helped more than i did...hehe, just playing!

there's this fellow who is feeling bleh now but he has a good heart and a funny sense of humor and great personality! he just has to believe in him more and put himself out there...but no more lmao unless you start "ni-hao-ma"-ing me! capiche?

who else reads this thing?

oh yes, a friend from 7th/8th grade who recently turned either 22 or 23, i'm still confused! your yearbook message really touched me. im glad we are still friends and that we can call each other after a few months, and still get together and try some new food! remember our weekend eatings last year? =)

got to have all your loving

Courtesy of Melchior's Journal (Sadric)...

10 years ago-- Twelve, seventh grade. I wanted to fit in with the "Asian crew" but I didn't belong.

5 years ago-- Seventeen, 12th grade. I cut my hair short, wore pjs to school, and wanted to get out of high school.

1 year ago-- Twenty-one. I loved Garden State and its soundtrack, I had to sort out a break, and figure out something called Capstone (our senior thesis).

Tomorrow-- Work out at some point.

5 snacks I enjoy-- Cookies, ice cream, tortilla chips, pita chips, and Corn Pops without milk.

5 bands I know the lyrics to-- Save Ferris, Dashboard Confessional, Jimmy Eat World, Saves the Day, No Doubt

5 things I would do with 100 million dollars--

5 locations I would like to run away to-- Providence (RI), Hawaii, Italy, Japan, Tahiti.

5 bad habits-- Complaining out loud, not sticking to my guns, using Chapstick too much, thinking too much,

5 things I like doing-- getting caught up in book i like, eating out with friends, conversating, writing out the yuckies inside, being moved by a song

5 things I will probably never wear-- leg warmers, hobo skirt, fur coat, v-string, sweater dress

5 TV shows I like-- buffy the vampire slayer, felicity, whose line is it anyway, i love lucy, --

5 biggest joys-- falling asleep within 15 minutes of lying down, hearing mc's new song on the radio, having someone to talk to, my new piercing, warming up after being cold

5 favorite toys-- radio, cd player, laptop, quarter, phone

you know...

wild and wreckless post graduation days

because of you i never stray too far from the sidewalk

the big problem is that my emotions make me very selfish and self-centered (they are self-focusing). and i can't see what i'm doing, rather i see what other people are doing to me. so i do that thing where you blame external things...(sorry, allison, i know you always tried to teach me to internalize).

*sometimes i'm afraid of these moments of clarity 'cause maybe things are going to end soon. but i must continue...

without a purpose, you feel lost and sometimes worthless. and then you roam around looking for a purpose. but you can't just stumble upon a purpose without doing anything. which is a double-edged sword. like confidence. so then you feel more lost and more worthless, and it's more than likely that you take it out on those you feel closest too.

turns out that i am the thing that i was afraid of being: ungrateful towards my parents. i didn't really see everything they've done for me and given me as a sign of love because it wasn't what i saw as love. herein lies the problem: when you can't see what another person sees. i don't really understand my parents and they don't really understand me so we haven't been able to decipher love and its many forms. how do you start? where do you begin? how do you establish a connection after knowing nothing but disconnection?

so what is it i need, because i obviously have everything i want and more? is there a way to ensure not feeling lonely? as a child, i fought the loneliness of not having play pals by following my mom around or listening to music or pretending i was interacting with people (i used to play store and library by myself). i also didn't worry at night because i slept in the same room as my mom for like 8 years. as i got older, i busied myself with homework so that i didn't have time to think of loneliness. when i went to college, i slept better knowing that there was always someone who i could go find, even if i hardly did. but now, all the luxuries are gone and im left with the internet and a few local friends for solace. every day i battle this big, looming enemy. sometimes i am stronger and more distracted. other days, i am buried in loneliness's wrath. but i know that unloneliness is a lot to ask for.

when i'm hurting, i'm not nice.

can't you just be here?

because of you i learned to stay on the safe side so i don't get hurt

there's gotta be more to life

so the mom asks me who i'm going to hang out with today. first she asks if its mindy. and i'm like no, she's busy. then she says, you said you were going with a friend but you don't have any.

ouch. haha...

than chasing at every temporary high to satisfy me

but everything means nothing

alicia keys is an awesome performer. i hope she stays around for a long while...

if i ain't got you

im here and now im ready

do you have many acquaintances and friends or a smaller close circle of friends?

i've been thinking a lot and one of the things that has crossed my mind is friendship. like john legend said, "friends may come and they may go" and that's how i know who is a true friend -- those who are around during and after storms. i also know that there are different kinds of friends, friends that you go to for different reasons and activities.

while looking at my high school yearbook, i could tell who i had affected, who touched me, who were my friends, and who remain my friends. but i wonder if there's anything left of my yearbook but a residue of company and comfort. i'm afraid to believe that maybe i was never these people's friends in the first place because they could not be themselves around me; they were not comfortable enough to consider themselves in the company of a friend.

who knows? i can't stop the thoughts so i figured i'd put them somewhere outside of my brain.

holding on tight