okay, i promise, this'll be my last blog today. but the more i search, the more i can't believe i didn't go to the concert on friday. apparently, silversun pickups opened for incubus???

although i totally had the tickets to go watch this show, i might have died if i heard this song live. seriously. perhaps my karma was protecting me again. i remember when i went to the july 2007 show at the greek, i knew i would have bawled if i heard it then. i don't know if i could have survived it now. hope you enjoyed it, hawai'i!

i think they did a really good job on this one. foo fighters' - "everlong".

this songs reminds me of my carefree days of 2001...but with associations to what i'm going through now. i tried to find a NFG version, but his voice is pretty gross live. this video is much better than the other ones i went through.



Sonny

I'm sorry
I heard about the bad news today
A crowd of people around you
Telling you it's okay
And everything happens for a reason

When you lose a part of your self
To somebody you know
It takes a lot to let go
Every breath that you remember
Pictures fade away but memory is forever

An empty chair at all the tables
And I'll be seeing you when all my days boil down
But it's better where you're going anyway

I'm sorry
I heard about the bad news today
It's really hard to get through
Tough times and long days
But it really just depends on the season

For now we'll say goodbye
We know it's not the last time
I've lost the best part of my day
But it's better where you're going anyway

This is the last thing
I will remember
It's better where you're going anyway

i know it is super cheezy. but hearing the song reminds me of watching the movie last october. [sigh] but somehow it is making for new moments too...



[Mandy] Ninety miles outside Chicago
Can’t stop driving I don’t know why
So many questions, I need an answer
Two years later you're still on my mind

[Jonathan] Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky?
Is true love just once in a lifetime?

[Both] Did the captain of the Titanic cry?

Oh, Someday we’ll know
[Mandy] If love can move a mountain
[Both] Someday we’ll know
[Jonathan] Why the sky is blue
[Both] Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t meant for you...

[Mandy] Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
[Jonathan] Or what the wind says when she cries?
[Mandy] I’m speeding by the place that I met you

[Both] For the ninety-seventh time...Tonight

Someday we’ll know
[Mandy] If love can move a mountain
[Both] Someday we’ll know
[Jonathan] Why the sky is blue
[Both] Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t meant for you...
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Someday we’ll know
[Jonathan] Why Samson loved Dalilah?
[Both] One day I'll go
[Mandy] Dancing on the moon
[Both] Someday you’ll know
That I was the one for you....

[Both] Open up the world

[Mandy] I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow

[Jonathan] Watched the stars crash in the sea

[Mandy] If I can ask God just one question

[Both] Why aren’t you here with me tonight?

Oh, Someday we’ll know
[Jonathan] If love can move a mountain
[Both] Someday we’ll know
[Mandy] Why the sky is blue
[Both] Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t meant for you...
Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

Someday we’ll know
[Jonathan] Why Samson loved Dalilah
[Both] One day I'll go
[Mandy] Dancing on the moon
[Both] Someday you’ll know
That I was the one for you....

attachments are hard to break from. they are deeply embedded. you become conditioned. to a certain routine, a certain comfort, a certain belief that something is there with or for you. so when you are cut off, it is like you are getting pummeled by a wave. gasping for the air that you grew so used to. something that you needed. flailing your arms in hopes of finding something to hold onto. because you thought that it would always be there, like a lifesaver in an ocean of changing tides.

but that is the lesson to learn. no matter how important or fulfilling something becomes in my life, i have to always be aware that it is not permanent. it is not for always. nothing is. nothing ever will be.

it is so strange because when i was younger, i never believed in "forever." never invested too much. did not believe in anything that had no tangibility, no proof. i was ready for the impermanence of the world. then, i grew up and started collecting cushions to break my fall from loneliness, heartache, the "real world," stress, etc. and all of these justifications that i accepted for my human existence has only set me up for more pain.

i just wanted to believe that life could be more than fleeting moments; more than the suffering that comes with desire, aversion, and ignorance; more than the loneliness that accompanies a single soul; more than sadness.

i was wrong.

i am buying a one-way ticket to square one after the grieving is done with and the healing is fully underway.

I'm currently learning this song. Easy enough. Just can't strum a clean Cadd9. I'm working on it though; conditioning my nails on my left hand. And sheesh, she sings high. I need a voice class! :D

Goodbye to You
By: Michelle Branch

Intro: Cadd9, Dadd9, G)

Cadd9 Dadd9 G (Cadd9, G)
Of all the things I've believed in
Cadd9 Dadd9 G (Cadd9, G)
I just want to get it over with
Cadd9 Dadd9
Tears form behind my eyes
G G/Gb E7
But I do not cry
A7 Cadd9
Counting the days that pass me by

Cadd9 Dadd9 G (Cadd9, G)
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Cadd9 Dadd9 G (Cadd9, G)
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Cadd9 Dadd9 G G/Gb Em7
It feels like I'm starting all over again
A7 Cadd9
The last three years were just pretend
Cadd9
And I said,

G G/Gb Em7
Goodbye to you
G G/Gb Em7
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
G G/Gb Em7
You were the one I loved
A7 Cadd9
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

Cadd9 Dadd9 G
I still get lost in your eyes
Cadd9 Dadd9 G
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Cadd9 Dadd9 G G/Gb Em7
closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
A7 Cadd9
To a place where I am blinded by the light
Cadd9
But it's not right

G G/Gb Em7
Goodbye to you
G G/Gb Em7
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
G G/Gb Em7
You were the one I loved
A7 Cadd9
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

(G(high) Cadd9 x2)
G(high) Cadd9
And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
G(high) Cadd9
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
(silence)
I want you

But I'm not giving in this time

G G/Gb Em7
Goodbye to you
G G/Gb Em7
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
G G/Gb Em7
You were the one I loved
A7 Cadd9
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
A7 Cadd9
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

(intro)
Cadd9 Dadd9
And when the stars fall
G
I will lie awake
Cadd9 Em(normal)
You're my shooting star

did you see how long he spun on his head??? that's wicked!

Au makemake noho me ka hauʻoli.

love his voice.

Make a free ecard - it's easy!

i will love you when you're blue

in two hours, my friend will have been born 25 years ago. and i will have known her for 14 years. though our conversations are months apart and our hangouts are years in pending, i still love her to death. i know nothing about her except what she blogs, and if she reads mine, she may have some fuzzy clue of what life state i am in. such is the nature of our friendship. but i know if i have some question or if i am in dying need for her opinion, i could leave her a message and she would respond back when she can. i hope she knows that this holds true for her too.

we used to plot against boys who liked too many girls at a time, write entertaining screenplays for class, share lunches, keep each other updated with letters (even in the summertime, when we couldn't see each other!), smile at each other from across the room. it was always very comforting to know she was there. and i was always inspired by her creativity and spirit; she was contagious! :)

most importantly, our souls and/or hearts were "made out of the same stuff." that explained our connection. something about how we related (though i was not aware of my own soul when we walked the same path) was too familiar to be coincidental. this i believe whole-heartedly. and i realize now, she was the first instance of me finding part of my cookie.

we are currently walking different paths and we cannot see each other across the distance. but she is still very much a part of me and who i am.

happy birthday, josephine joann. may this year bring you all the beauty and joy that you deserve, along with the wisdom and courage to follow your goals and dreams.

l.y.l.a.s. coKoPebblez637.

Big Girls Don't Cry
By: Fergie

Tuning: Standard


Intro
e|-------------------------------------- / \
B|--3T-3T-3T-----3T-3T-3T--------------- / \
G|---A--A--A-----0A--A--A--| \ Repeat- / x2
D|---P--P--P------P--P--P--| ---------- /
A|--2--3--0----2----3--0---| ----------- /
E|-------------------------|------------ /

Da Da Da Da


Verse 1:
e|-------------------------------------- / \
B|--3T-3T-3T-----3T-3T-3T--------------- / \
G|---A--A--A-----0A--A--A--| \ Repeat- / x8
D|---P--P--P------P--P--P--| ---------- /
A|--2--3--0----2----3--0---| ----------- /
E|-------------------------|------------ /

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
Your probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself instead of calamity

e|-----| \
B|--3--| \
G|-----| \ Let it ring
D|-----| /
A|--0--| /
E|-----| /

Peace, Serenity


Chorus:
C9 Em7 D
I hope you know, I hope you know
D
That this has nothing to do with you
C9 Em7 D
It's personal, Myself and I
Am
We've got some straightenin' out to do
Em7 G D
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
Em7
But I've got to get a move on with my life
C9 G D (let it ring)
It's time to be a big girl now
(Mute)
And big girls don't cry

e|-------------------------------------- / \
B|--3T-3T-3T-----3T-3T-3T--------------- / \
G|---A--A--A-----0A--A--A--| \ Repeat- / x2
D|---P--P--P------P--P--P--| ---------- /
A|--2--3--0----2----3--0---| ----------- /
E|-------------------------|------------ /
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry


Verse 2:
e|-------------------------------------- / \
B|--3T-3T-3T-----3T-3T-3T--------------- / \
G|---A--A--A-----0A--A--A--| \ Repeat- / x8
D|---P--P--P------P--P--P--| ---------- /
A|--2--3--0----2----3--0---| ----------- /
E|-------------------------|------------ /

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps until I'm full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay


(Repeat Chorus)


Verse 3:
C9 Em7 G
Like the little schoolmate in the school yard
G
We'll play jacks and uno cards
C9 Em7 G
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine
G
Valentine
C9 Em7 G
Yes, you can hold my hand if you want to
G C9
'Cause I want to hold yours too
Em7 G
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
Am Em7 D
But it's time for me to go home
Am Em7
It's getting late, dark outside
D Em7 C9
I need to be with myself instead of calamity
D
Peace, Serenity


(Repeat Chorus)


e|-------------------------|
B|--3T-3T-3T-----3T-3T-3T--|
G|---A--A--A-----0A--A--A--|
D|---P--P--P------P--P--P--|
A|--2--3--0----2----3--0---|
E|-------------------------|

La Da Da Da Da Da

e|------------|
B|--3T-3T-3T--|
G|---A--A--A--|
D|---P--P--P--|
A|--2--3--0---|
E|------------|

I Miss You
By: Incubus

To see you when I wake up
Is a gift I didn't think could be real.
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three-fold, Utopian dream.

You do something to me that I can't explain.
So would I be out of line if I said "I miss you"?

I see your picture.
I smell your skin on
The empty pillow next to mine.
You have only been gone ten days,
But already I'm wasting away.
I know I'll see you again
Whether far or soon.
But I need you to know that I care,
And I miss you.

Mood: :*(


Stable Song
By: Death Cab for Cutie

(intro)
G C D2
G C D2
G2 D2 Em C2


G2 C2 D2
Time for the final bout,
G2 C2 D2
Rows of deserted houses,
G2 D2 Em C2
All our stable mates highway bound.

G2 C2 D2
Give us our measly sum,
G2 C2 D2 G2 D2
Getting the air inside my lungs is heavenly,
Em C2 G2 D2 Em C2
Starting out, with nothing but crippling doubt.

(bridge)
C2 D2 Em C2 D2 G2
C2 D2 Em C2 D2 G2
We'll rest easy justified.

G2 C2 D2
Suffered a swift defeat,
G2 C2 D2
I’ll endure countless repeats,
G2 D2 Em C2
The gift of memory's an awful curse,
G2 D2 Em C2
With age it just gets much worse,

D2 C2 G2
But I won't mind,
D2 C2 G2
I won't mind,
D2 C2 G2
I won't mind,
D2 C2 G2
I won't mind.

(out)
C2 D2 G2

grr! anger is strange but at least it is not a self-focusing emotion! well, two down. none left! w00t w00t!

dejenme en paz!

song for the final bout...

i have human biology, spanish, and dance classes. i have my parents. i have good interactions with selective friends. i have guitar. i have volleyball. i have chatting.

but i'm just coasting. there aren't low lows or high highs. very moderate. everything is. and everything i feel. even though i'm "sad" now, it's not very sad at all. this is all very new to me. i'm going to feel it out for a bit longer before i decide if i like it or not.

but it is interesting.

tender scrawls.
43.

tear-stained pillowcases soak my cheeks
as i rest my head and close my eyes.
the darkness burns my eyelids
and i force them open for relief.
i stare at the blackness that falls
around me, near me, in me...
a deep feeling of sadness joins in
and widens the chasm growing in my heart.
the thoughts pulsate within,
with no clear shape or identity,
taking over with vigor
and leaving my defenses ravaged.
i am starving for some comfort
but am too emaciated to give in.
as the gnawing inside me grows,
i blink and succumb to the night
that takes me away.

once, i told someone, "i get controlling when i don't get it." and at the time, i had a little bit of doubt that i made my point clearly. and months later, the doubt has grown. so if i could, i would clarify that i get controlling when i don't understand, that i try to get answers so that it can make sense in my head. and maybe because i didn't make that point, i was and still am confused.

i've been crying as i try to fall asleep lately. and the thing that helps right now is to blog out the gunk that is poisoning my engine. that way, no one gets any late night phone calls. and my mind isn't overwhelmed. i wish i had a pensieve...


Living In Your Letters
By: Dashboard Confessional

I'm always assuming the worst,
but you're going on nonetheless
and there's nothing to cushion your heart led fall.
Letters from further away
keep pulling me close to home.
And there's something to cushion my callous sighs.
And I know that you hope for
longer good-byes
embracing for forever
and falling in your eyes.

Pouring over photographs.
I'm living in your letters.
Breathe deeply from this envelope
it smells like you and I can't be
without that scent. It's filling me
with all you mean to me.

Continually failing these trials
but you stand by me nonetheless
and you won't let me sink
though I'm beggin you, I'm begging you
Phone calls from further away
and messages on my machine,
but I don't ever tell you this distance
seems terrible.
There is no need to test my heart,
with useless space.
These roads go on forever,
there will always be a place, for you.. in my heart

So I'll hit the pavement
it's gotta be better than waiting
and pushing you far away
cause I'm scared.
So I'll take my chances
and head on my way up there.
'Cause turning to you is like falling in love when you're ten.

fun with polaroid last night! too bad they are discontinuing it. if i was getting married, i'd want it at my wedding.


Kruezberg
By: Bloc Party

There is a wall that runs right through me
Just like the city, I will never be joined
What is this love? Why can I never hold it?
Did it really run out in the strangers' bedrooms?

I
I have decided
At twenty-five
Something must change

Saturday night in East Berlin
We took the U-Bahn to the East Side Gallery
I was sure I'd found love with this one lying with me
Crying again in the old bahnhof

I
I have decided
At twenty-five
That something must change

After sex
The bitter taste
Been fooled again
The search continues

MistakenBy: Save Ferris

There's no joy without the pain
It's the pain that makes us strong
But sometimes it's just so hard to carry on
When you said that you don't care
When you say that you'll be there
Well, I wonder just how did things go so wrong
With everything we've had
(Oh please tell me)
And you know it's just so sad
But who's to blame?

So who were you?
I thought I knew?
I guess I was mistaken
But I only wanted you
So say goodbye
Don't tell me why
I guess I was mistaken

I know I can't run to you again
'Cause you would only run away
I guess there's nothing I can do to make you stay
You said that you would never leave
A lie you told and I believed
And now you want to go and throw this all away
So what is happening here?
(Oh please tell me)
It's exactly as I feared
You're just the same, and

So who were you?
I thought I knew?
I guess I was mistaken
But I only wanted you
So say goodbye
Don't tell me why
I guess I was mistaken

As I blame myself again
Wondering what I did
You tell me that you still might care for me
You say you're just confused
But that's really no excuse
You don't get sympathy
'Cause I don't need this mindtrip,
I must be myself
Must free myself from you
And all you put me through

So who were you?
I thought I knew?
I guess I was mistaken
But I only wanted you
So say goodbye
Don't tell me why
I guess I was mistaken

i have a lot of heart but not enough drive. so when i am in something, i am good to go. i give it my all, even if i'm not thrilled. but when i need to get in, it is very slow and challenging. i hardly try. and i wallow waiting for something to come to me. maybe i am afraid of something new, of being the new kid on the block, etc. but i should realize that once i get in, i will be okay.

i cannot believe it is march. three months... it has gone by slowly. but somehow i have made it this far. i have faith that things will continue to improve and that my life will go on. hopefully my heart too. :)

maybe it's due to circumstances, but i have felt like a kid again living with my parents. but maybe now that things are moving along and that i am going to turn 25, i should shed the dependency and get it together. i'm sure my parents had good intentions when they decided to provide and give my brothers and me what we wanted and needed. but i'm sure they didn't expect it to backfire like it has: we've turned out to be less resilient than they are.

let me try to get it together. for me and for my family.

tender scrawls
42.

one day i will write the song of you and me --
the you and me that exists together
across time and space
in our separate world
filled with enchanting songs
and soothing voices,
brimming with star-filled nights
and delicious flavors on our tongues.

i will write about
the language we spoke
that only we understood,
about the deep satisfaction
we felt in each other's company
about the familiarity
of our touch and presence.

perhaps one day i will write the song of you and me --
that is, the you and me that was.
㆕

Better In Time
By: Leona Lewis

It's been the longest winter without you.
I didn't know where to turn to.
See, somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through.

Going, coming... thought I heard a knock
Who's there -- no one.
Thinking that I deserve it...
Now I realize that I really didn't know.
If you didn't notice, you mean everything.
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'm gon' be ok.

Thought I couldn't live without you.
It's gonna hurt when it heals too.
It'll all get better in time.
And even though I really love you,
I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to.
It'll all get better in time.

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me.
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings?

If I'm dreaming, don't wanna laugh.
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in.
And I know that time will heal it.
If you didn't notice, boy, you meant everything.
Quickly I'm learning to love again.
All I know is I'm gon' be ok.

Thought I couldn't live without you.
It's gonna hurt when it heals too.
It'll all get better in time.
And even though I really love you,
I'm gonna smile 'cause I deserve to.
It'll all get better in time.

Since there's no more you and me,
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be.
No matter how hard it is, I'll be fine without you
Yes I will.

Thought I couldn't live without you.
It's gonna hurt when it heals too.
It'll all get better in time.
And even though I really love you,
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to.
It'll all get better in time.

love is crazy, pretty baby, take it real slow

i have decided that i need access to a swimming pool as much as possible. this fish feels weird out of its waters! running is not good unless it is in a pool or ocean. and anything involving running is bad too! no soccer. no basketball. i don't even know how i can handle volleyball. but perhaps it is because i have not learned how to tread water just yet. so if i can afford it, i will get me a pool! arg!

my hands are cold. it may be time to study before bedtime.

<3.