oops! i forgot my mom's birthday! BIG oops! :/ so i'm going to take her out tomorrow, uyensday, for fun and joy! and i'm going to be the happy daughter she hasn't had so far. that should be more than sufficient! good food doesn't hurt either!

we talked about ecology today. in preparation for next week's final lecture on population ecology and conservation. i am looking forward to what my professor has to say then. but after class i talked to him. and he was saying that plane travel will change drastically in the decades to come because there will not be enough petroleum. and then it got me worried about the future. when i was going to ask him what he thought about the 2% initiative, he said that things aren't going to change until we see real problems and by then, "it'll be too late." so i left class feeling hopeless and scared. so much needs to be done but there is not enough support. after this past weekend's record temperatures, i don't want to know what it'll be like with a global temperature increase of 2 degrees. it doesn't sound like a lot but it'll be gross. [sigh]

speaking of records, one of the things i am trying to do is shorten my shower times. here are the times for the past days: sunday: 7 minutes. monday: 6 minutes. tuesday: 5 minutes. yay! i also have one of those shower heads that has a low-water setting!

5 ways to be a greener consumer

i went to tonight's angels game versus the oakland a's. strange how i wound up there. especially because i was wearing green, hoping NOT to see the oakland a's fans in the stadium. [shrugs shoulders] while walking to the stadium, we passed by some tail-gaters and one of the men offered my friend and me a drink. and we waited around as the losers of some drinking game had to do a shotgun. interesting!

this heat is turning me into a sloth. i have no energy. i don't want to go outside. [sigh] summer is coming way too early. the world is heating up. poor polar bears and narwhals.

five ways to get your hands dirty for earth
great gifts for the eco-friendly

i have been lacking passion, motivation, purpose for quite some time. it doesn't help to be unemployed. but i want to help. and i'm going to start with human time on the earth.



here are cool things i've stumbled across!

podcast!

greenfeet!

green blog!

if you live in fullerton, ca!

"But despite our very best efforts, some things aren’t meant to be. While things that are meant to be, they seem to find a way." - Samantha Who?

everything is nothing
but emptiness is filling.

hey, all, i'm still alive. just staying away from the computer except for outlook and other vital information. so hopefully you know how to find me. while i am on, here is a song that struck me today, so here are the lyrics. aloha!

The Brilliant Dance
By: Dashboard Confessional

So this is odd
The painful realization
That all has gone wrong
And nobody cares at all
(Nobody cares at all)

So you've buried all your lover's clothes
And burned the letters Lover wrote
But it doesn't make it any better
(Doesn't make it any better)

And the plaster dented from your fist
In the hall where you had your first kiss
Reminds you that the memories will fade

So this is strange
A side-stepping has come to be
A brilliant dance
Where nobody leads at all
(Nobody leads at all)

And the picture frames are facing down
And the ringing from this empty sound
Is deafening and keeping you from sleep

And breathing is a foreign task
And thinking's just too much to ask
And you're measuring your minutes
By a clock that's blinking eights.

This is incredible, starving, insatiable
Yes, this is love for the first time
You'd like to think that you were invincible
Yeah, weren't we all once
Before we felt lost for the first time?
This is the last time
This is the last time
This is the last time

Bleeding Love
Leona Lewis

Closed off from love
I didn't need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you're frozen

But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melts into the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking round
Thinking I'm going crazy

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

But nothing's greater
Than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness
I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I'm going crazy, maybe, maybe

But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open

And it's draining all of me
Oh they find it hard to believe
I'll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth
My heart's crippled by the vein
That I keep on closing
You cut me open and I

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
I keep bleeding
I keep, keep bleeding love
Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love
You cut me open and I

Blue Light
Bloc Party

You'll find it hiding in shadows
You'll find it hiding in cupboards
It will walk you home safe every night
It will help you remember

If that's way it is
Then that's the way it is

I still feel you and the taste of cigarettes
What could I ever run to
Just tell me it's tearing you apart
Just tell me you cannot sleep

And you didn't even notice
When the sky turned blue
And you couldn't tell the difference
Between me and you
And I nearly didn't notice
The gentlest feeling

You are the bluest light

have faith.

when i took a shower tonight and took off my ankle brace, i noticed that the bottom of my ankle was bruised! ay ya! too much pressure? i wish resting was easier to do. i'll just elevate like crazy. it doesn't hurt so much anymore. just pretty swollen.

i really like "samantha who." i stayed up late last night catching up on two new episodes, watching the last one twice because it was so cute! i want a prince. well not really! but if you don't watch too much television or if you are interested in picking up a new show, give it a try! watching the show in bed reminded me of when i first stumbled upon it in hawai'i. good times.

i studied today! that was great! and with moca! after being such good students, we got a free joe-latti! pineapple in the warm california sun.

i hope i rest my ankle this weekend. i'm going to try to do the "turn off your tv week" including the computer, which will be the hard part. usually i use the computer to chat and have company, but without it, what will i do? i'll have to try to phone or set up dates.

good night! diviertanse el fin de semana!

i've been reading and listening to my life horoscopes that certain clairvoyant people diagrammed for me. here's what i recall.

* time spent away from my parents in my 20s will be good, especially because my element clashes with my father's.
* i would fend well in business, technology, or pharmacy. but whatever i do, i'll do it well if i want to do it.
* ages 22-31 will be my best. i should be married no later than 32.
* if i find a husband's whose sign and element are compatible with mine, we will have two children. if my husband's stuff is incompatible with mine, i will have no children or stop after one.
* ages 42-51, if my husband was incompatible with me, we may get divorced. i will grieve someone's passing. but my career will still be fruitful.
* from age 74, i will become to get sick.
* i could live well passed 80, even to 85.

of course karma factors into all this stuff. ay ya. karma. i suppose now i will soon accept why things worked out the way they did. my mom even gave me a reading, which she's never able to do.

* the next three years i will establish my career and start saving money.
* i will find someone worthy of being a life partner at 29.
* it will not be with my first love.
* someone is pursuing who and who is deciding on that person.

dun dun dun. i'm going to RICE now.

tonight, i felt the most physical pain that i can recall ever having. and that makes me feel very blessed.

it was another uyensday night of volleyball. playing had already begun when rafa and i arrived. and with the low number of females present, i was asked to play on a team with players who had never come before. it was okay, getting into the groove. but the fellas were young. and not experienced. anyhow, a load of people came so that we had to set up the second net and reconfigure teams.

by the third game on the losers' court, our team didn't need to be reminded that we hadn't gone anywhere. but the other team kept pushing our buttons. and we upped our level of playing. we put on our game face and were determined to regain some dignity. we were charged and play went well.

it was exciting and peter, one of the new guys, and i were at the net. we had a little run-in earlier, a near-collision with legs in the air but it was okay and we played on.

on the particular play in question, he was in the center and i was on the right side. i had either gone up for a hit or a block and peter had come up to. but on my descent, my right foot found one of his and my ankle spun out of control, rolling to the side on an already weakened ankle. i fell to the floor, wincing in pain as the tears streamed out of my eyes. i was worried that i really messed up my ankle this time. and the shock and pain left me unable to do much but cry. the humdrum of playing had quieted and i heard voices talking about what they should do with me. they asked me to lie on my back and i did. they started asking me questions and i answered. with gary's training, they got it right: leave my shoe on, get me off the court, and rest my ankle. wendy held my hand and rafa supported my ankle. i moved over to the stage because it was closest. someone had retrieved ice and we were trying to figure out what it should rest on. shaun helped to get me on stage. sihad let me use his backpack for elevation.

i could move my toes. and i could walk with some pain when my ankle moved forward and back.

i have to wait another hour before taking more ibuprofen to reduce any swelling. i have an icepack around my elelvated ankle.

i am very fortunate. that it wasn't more serious. and for all the support i had around me.

let's hope my mom doesn't see me limping tomorrow! she warned me not to go. but did i listen?

"but you're so busy changing the world
just one smile can change all of mine." - jack johnson



"you're not that easy to forget
i'm not over" - carolina liar



we share the same soul.

they'll be girls across the nation that will eat this up

i am happy that i was able to celebrate andy's birthday with him! three cheers to 24: hip hip...HOORAY! hip hip...HOORAY! hip hip...HOORAY! :D and yay for trying to new things out together! to a most fantastic roller coaster ride of a year! you deserve the best! siempre!

i was dying today after a long night of volleyball, but i would not have it any other way! it is one of the areas of my life where i can flow, but it's true: it could very easily become addictive. luckily, it is only once a week. ;) yeah, i had some good digs but man, were they painful! bruised! my arms! it's been so long since that's happened! and thank goodness for NOT having 25 people come out! it just gets tooo crazy!

but maybe that tough night led to my rather OFF day!

* i broke the bouquet of flowers i was going to give to k! it just fell of the counter and totally ruined the petals!
* i lost my new ring!
* i couldn't find my pencil when i was leaving for class, so i went back in to get one intending to also pick up my flats. but i forgot those!
* after class, i went to a bar with andy and the peeps and forgot my wallet in my backpack in my car parked at the restaurant!
* i left my cell phone in the car when i came into the house!

whatevs.

11 de abril.
i used to want to be serenaded. but now i'm learning to serenade myself.
i used to want my partner to read my mind, but now i want to speak my mind.
i used to think i'd get married, but now i'm questioning marriage.
i used to think he could become right for me, but i've realized he has to be right for me.

i never thought i'd keep my nails this short,
or drive on cruise control on the freeway.
never thought about being single,
or being okay with being late.

i lost my ring today
and a chunk of my finger!
i drank chocolate cake
and aloe vera juice.

maybe i had addictions last year or maybe i found the best things for me.
maybe i learned some lessons or maybe i learned to deal better.
perhaps i've convinced myself that my life is better this way
or perhaps i've realized that everything is nothing.

shorty is a killa

last week, i reached out to more people. and i felt connected and disconnected at the same time. mostly because things change but there is still history.

uyensday i got dole whip and had lunch at the rainforest cafe at downtown disney with melvin. we practiced some salsa dancing to burn off the burger right before parting later that night. then i played volleyball and almost 25 people showed up! the most we've ever had! so that we put up two nets for the first time ever! :D i put too much pressure on myself to do well and it took away from my ability to flow. oh, well, better luck next time!

thursday, i got a last minute text message to stop by my old site because a former student had returned and wanted to see me. so i rescheduled with mama and after filing my taxes (i get 4 returns this year!), i headed on over. i was able to help a former student study for the spelling bee as chaotic exchanges occurred. and it was nice to interact with her for longer than 2 minutes. :D i felt her little bump and felt really warm inside because she was still open to me. i sat through a parenting class, which really made me think of what it could be like. frightening thought though. haha. then a caught up with my teacher friend and a couple of students who i used to work with came by and visited also! it was so coincidental! go, universe! i grabbed lunch with my teacher friend and we chatted about how the breakdown of communication really makes you want to throw in the towel with a marriage. then i left. after class, i really missed a friend that i hadn't talked to in a few months, so i gave her a call thinking that i would just leave her a voicemail. but she picked up! and we chatted! and it was nice!

friday, i practiced salsa dance for my midterm and received a text for happy hour. so i made sure to learn my steps, and afterwards, one of my classmates asked me about what happened between violin and me. i curtly answered (because he's a guy and i don't want anything to happen there) and then headed out to south coast for claimjumper's. i listened to everyone talk story and vent and it was like old times, except i wasn't a part of any of the action. and that's okay. i listened without any pangs in my heart. and someone asked me, "do you miss this?" i replied truthfully, "yes and no."

saturday, i danced and everyone passed the midterm who was there! :D then i met up with charlie for dinner at noodle world (yuummy chilis!) and we went back to watch "high fidelity." yay! my first movie since "definitely, maybe." and it was a good eye-opener! :D

so is a relationship's success based on how people are like or what people like?

w00t w00t!

i haven't been playing as much guitar as i want. or studying at all. but, i'll take a nap first and see how i feel.

i hope the MCAT was destroyed!

<3

so last night, i was having boba with miss amy and she was telling me how she's not worried about me at all. and how good it is that i can enjoy being single. so that today, when i was sitting in class, wondering about how self-conscious people felt in there, i had this feeling come over me. of being okay. and enjoying this singleness. and wanting to dance around. but not, because we were taking a test. ;) i'm sure today was just a better day, amongst all the not-so-better days that i have been having. but tomorrow is uyensday! and another trip to disneyland for dole whip is in the works! and it's volleyball! what more can i ask for?

i <3 uyensdays!

and i'm realllllly missing hawai'i but not for the beaches or anything peripheral but for my family. i miss my iwashitas and my takahashis...! hmph! [hands on waist] but perhaps there is a reason why i don't yet have a job...

here's to healing faster so i can move on!